That **** filled acknowledgment
Of being the *******
Knowing
That you're unable to to deny
Every lie you tell
The intentions that mirror justifications
The excuses that meant well only for personal gain
I'm not such a bad guy
I listen when others confide
Keeping secrets without though of using them as halos above my head
Or chains around others necks
My acts of villainy go as far as my glance of judgments go
Pretending to be above
As my thoughts are buried deep like roots on a rotting tree
I half heartedly tug and stay planted
Blaming the illusion of not having a choice
Staying
Stagnating
Spoiling
Others and their flaws continue to move forward
As I choose to stubbornly watch
Unable to change because I won't allow it
Denying the reality
That I ain't ****
But I want to be
Disconnected, without the guidance of words and social cues to guide me on
Friends only marked by longevity of knowing I exist at all
Too old to making any believable change that will stick
Too young to give up now
Stuck inside and between my fears and my wants
Taking the blame for once without being staked to it
Forgiving myself without keeping the guilt in my veins
Progress is not wanting to bleed them out
When that was the obvious answer many times before
How can I change?

How could I leave myself behind for another alternative?

How do I let myself go free?

Now I know the truth of myself
Theres no way to tell
If there's more pain in change
Or just hanging around

I remember all the "chosen ones"
All the ones that caught my eyes
I recall all of the villains
And the classic "nice guys"
I remember all the Romeos
The seducers and wooers alike
I knew all the "we're just friends"
And "love you like a brother" types
I remember all the gentlemen
The ones who held the door
I'm branded by the cretins though
And made of me a *****
I remember so many of the talking boys
The ones who needed to vent
They'd knew I never slept at night
And converse until the blackness was spent
I remember all the heartbreakers
And those few that never left
The randoms that came sneaking in
The ones who thought they knew best
I remember the wishful thinking
And the craving to catch your eyes
I acknowledge the reluctance of letting you go
And at times I never tried
I remember the lessons
And I repeat the mistakes
There're so many fish in the sea
And I only have a lake
Please remember that I loved you
Or I did the best that I could do
And if there's a part of you remembers me
Just know my memory is perfect too

We were sitting in his car
Going everywhere and nowhere
Such were the destinations of our lives
No longer in our teens
But too reluctant to be adults
We clung to our childhood fling
But only for the sake of safety
And as we drove
We'd reminisce
Of the flames that burnt us good
The one we loved to be crippled by
The ones who stole our spark
The ones that changed the definition of love
Into a sarcastic and morbid thought
And one evening
No more interesting than any other
The memory of this destroying love
He got caught in the feeling again
And frustratedly began to yell
"Why did I allow it? I knew she was ******* insane! Why did I let it go on for so long? I wasted that time all just to hate her in the end. Why did I do it?"
To which I replied as I passed him the bowl
And exhaled some memories of my own
"You did it cause you loved her. There's no grander explanation as to why we died by these people just to wake back up but now as not ourselves."
"That's not a good enough excuse"
He coughed
"That's not a good enough reason to go through that ****"
And I laughed at the reasoning
"It never is...but here we are, talking about them as if they're still around. We give pieces of ourselves to these strangers. They fill up our time so we have no idea how fast it's passing. And when they walk away, they never intended on giving all of it back. They keep it as trophies and we have to start from scratch with being a person who is alone now. And loving them still is what makes that loneliness worse."  
Then in silence we drove
Going everywhere and nowhere

You ever have those moments
When you have nothing else to write
But you crave to scream
Into the void
Of words and thoughts
Just to hear others screams echo back?
A blank canvas of rage
And unsaid words
Cluster into your mind
Not meant to be said
Out loud but read
Like a secret laced with poison
The more who know
The more that are at risk
Of never being completely cured
And only when it's dark
Do I begin to wait
To seeth and grit
And contemplate
How much of this life
I truly hate
But Of which I am apart
I'm a working part of it all
And to feel the line of my life
Is to simply tolerate
While others sneer
And show their hate
And to accept that I must live and die
Within the walls they desecrate
Distract, medicate, pay and ****
Saluting my allegiance to a dollar bill
Reality tv is now considered a thrill
And pop and rap overflowing past fill
The idea that rules keep us safe
Just because I told you so
Unless you're a different race
Then the laws are meant for those who can't pay
Cause criminals with money
Somehow always manage to get away
I wish I were stupid
Or brain dead at least
And be completely unaware
Than to witness times as these
It's nothing to write about
Cause you already know
The worlds going to ****
And we're letting it go
As long as we do nothing
Then they'll assume we like it
So **** change
**** hope
**** ever evolving
I'll be dead and rotting
Before they get to solving
And now my rage is echoed in black
If you're in the darkness too
Just echo back

Not a cry for help
Because simply asking never works
I coarse against the grain of my emotions
I ****** the idea of being better
However
Like most love affairs
I become petty with redemption
And trite with my promises
It's hard to keep them
When I never meant them
I may have marked you and others as mine
But that's all
A mark is not a leash
And I've allowed you all to walk away
With a smile and a wave
But a little piece of your mind
Still whispers my name
You see
I'm riddled with remorse
So humbled by experience
That the habits of mistakes
Engrained into my person
Is simply a game
Of who can fix me
Who can reach me
Who can get into my pants
Who can make me want them
I've become quite vain with these notions
That I have to be wary of my reflection
And my facade of a good name
I'm a lady after all
Choosing no one and nothing
Clutching a semblance of my own worth
While trying not to offend yours
Girls will be girls
Like a homosexual
I was born this way
If I had the choice within my control
I would not choose reality
Making myself a fantasy
Is cruel enough
But they'd rather live a lie
Than see the disgust in my eyes
We could push our tongues together
As if they were in a fight
But the friction of flesh
Doesn't always a spark ignite
So I'm not pleading for empathy
For I hardly feel for you
I feel the same
Just without refrain
And when you're gone
I'll wave and smile to you

Why should it matter what I do?
With or without those who scrutinize
My life has never been mine
And they never seem too distressed over the fact I live it for them
Why should I change?
They never do
They boast and rant how their will is strong
While they rob me of mine and my own
Why should I care for myself at all?
I tend to derive my self neglect from their constant want
And demand my constant care
That when they ponder as to why I'm lost in though
It's merely a resting place from their laundry list of praise
Why should I live?
Why should I thrive?
Why should I kneel before any truth
When lies continuously pelt my mind?
Why should I empathize?
No matter what love I find, a hidden fine print is always forgotten to be informed to me
Love me and I'll love in return
But ask for nothing as I take it all
And smile as I deny any semblance of feeling
It's not your feelings that I am enamored with
But the fact that you can listen and not reply
I fall for it everytime
And I glance from the side of my eyes
Willing for the tears to come
But now it's only a practice that becomes a ritual
And the drought of emotion pursues longer still
Let me die young
A couple of decades of good intentions
Is enough to pave my path to a well know destination
Of which I'm sure that I'm headed to
Being an angel for the sake of love could have only brought me so high
So now....I welcome the fall
No more a being with hopeful light
I wish it to be snuffed out
As to discontinue the drawing of those who see it
Like moths to a flame
And once the warmth and bright exterior is at it's lowest
They flee
Wether for good or in their minds
Because I know in their minds
I am not there
I never was, you see
And now I fight for nothing to be gained
When maybe nothing is what I truly covet
And the quiet and thick release will course me down it's waves
And I am crested on a shore
That I've belonged to all this time
Why should I wait?
The answer is still unclear