im *******
down
down
through a downward spiral
again
except this time
i dont give a ****
about what im becoming.

The sun was so good at its job.
It kept the planets in perfect orbit.
Gave light to the mirror of the moon.
Everyone admired the sun
It was just picture perfect.
Well...
Almost.
Everyone has their weaknesses.
The sun wasn't perfect, it was
inadequate.
It shone its rays, tried to tickle the shivering Earth
But no matter how hard it tried
It couldn't warm this cold being.
All of the other planets and stars
Continued to stare at it in awe
Or envy.
But the earth looked at it with
disdain.
And no matter how much effort the sun gave
No matter how flawless it performed in other areas
No matter how many people looked up to it for the things that it was god at
The sun couldn't help but feel
Inadequate.

I am the sun.

as i walk down the hallway
and array of faces
more like masks
with not even the slightest spark of recognition
i can hardly believe
that all of you forgot what we
once had.

i fell.
let us count how many tried to help me up.
none.
let us count how many asked if i was okay.
one.
let us count how many who kept on walking
like they didn't even notice
or like i deserves to be brushing off the gravel buried beneath my skin
too **** many to ever ******* count.

every single look is a knife through my heart
I bleed...
it's a beautiful crimson..
amuses everyone who bought tickets to watch the show
that's what it is right?
lets watch the toy make a fool of herself
she's just a doll
she doesn't have feelings
she'll never break
we'll never tire playing with her
of course she'll never end up under the bed with all of the other forgotten toys
well...
the land of the forgotten becomes more tempting everyday.

tired of this
no matter how hard i try
im always ******* last
no stop i dont want your **** pity
stop looking at me
laughing at me
giving me mock praise
i know this is sarcasm
should i eat my pain away
or stop eating
and become thinner and thinner...
maybe ill nearly disappear
then they wont be able to see me

remove the boulder from above my head
stop me from glancing upward to check on its position
from my stance
every passing moment
or just release your grasp
let the suspense end
let it fall and crush me
so i won't have to feel
its presence.

Was ist passiert?
Ich dachte...
Liebe sein sollte infinite.

Das Wort sollte eine Bedeutung haben
Das Wort...Liebe

Mehr als ein wort
Mehr vie hundert

Die Erfahrung ist unbezahlbar
Infinite
Für immer...

-------------------------------------------------------­----------------------

What happened?
I thought ...
Love should be infinite.

The word should have a meaning
The word love ...

More than one word
More like a hundred

The experience is priceless
Infinite
Forever ...

your absence bore a hole
in my soul and my being
sharp as a lightning bolt
clear through the heavens

let your built frame
build a mountain
over the fragile frame of my own

shield me from the demons that never cease
to penetrate the warmth

your body heat so close
i can smell your cologne

let me feel the presence of hope
make the light visible.

stress sadness anxious tired done dead
i hate you hate this hate that hate me hate everything
no friends no hopes no dreams no life no light
no anything
i want to leave i want to stay
i want help i want you to just go away
leave me to waste
away in my grave.
PLEASE!
nightmares when i sleep night mares when i wake
is there no end
i cant pinch myself awake because my life is haunting
cant get away
wont leave wont stay
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
****
**** it all to hell
why is it this way

It was mine. What I had left of me.
Belonged to me.
Identified me as much as
My skin tone
My eye color.
I kept it locked in a treasure box
Hidden deep in the dark places
Of my being
Of course Pandora had to come and open it
Release my gift
Steal it away
And use it for her own
Left me feeling exposed and empty
Worthless
It's not special anymore now that everyone can look at you
And see what made me special
Doesn't matter anymore
If you can do it
If everyone can do it
FINE
Take anything you want from me.
Just take it all.
I can't do anything about it.
Can't you see I'm powerless?
Cracked open, nothing to keep to myself?
Just take all you want from me.
I'll just let you.
Not that there's anything left.

im feeling super anxious and on the edge ohmygod
i wish it was over i wish the pain would stop
get out of my head i know i dont have any friends anymore
and whatever im lonely and sick of it i want things to be better
but it never will be i miss her so much i miss having someone to talk to
i hate this feeling being alone every second of everyday it never ends
no one cares to be that pathetic excuse of a girl that
i used to be so sorry for me but no one cares to talk about it
walking the halls daring to open my mouth everything
i say is stupid adds on to my labels that everyone knows but
no one cares to talk about it to
look me in the eye and see what's going on inside.

I'm sorry
That I can't look in a mirror and like what I see
Can't go outside without being afraid that people will come out to yell at me
Taunt me
Why not, it's happened before
Can't go shopping because
Everyone who looks at me is thinking the same ugly truth
Nothing looks good on me anyway
Why do I try?
Can't be a part of popular social networking sites
Those are for people who have worth
It's okay.
Never hear my name because all I am is a part of the background
I'm sorry that every night I'm left alone with my horrible thoughts
Can't have nightmares if I don't sleep
Doesn't matter because I'm living one
I'm sorry that all I am to this world
To you
To myself
Is a waste of space
Always and forever
I'm sorry that there's no escaping anything
I'm sorry that there's no help for me
I'm sorry that this is my life
And
I'm sorry that you don't care.

PLEASE STOP!
CAN'T YOU SEE
YOU'RE HURTING ME!
please..i just can't take it

I opened the cooler
And to the left side
Lay a knife
They encased it in rubber
And placed it in between my sandwich
That is what I call
Painful Necessity

no one understands
what it's like
to be held prisoner
by your own
thoughts

i just cant bare the moments
everyday its the same
like there's a reason
like theres a worth
i never will
its time to go
i just cant
i dont know
why do i have to do this
what other option lies
no
the words the taunting the bars im behind
i cant do this anymore
i cant bare it

The pen
is a ticket
giving you unlimited access
to an alternate universe
at your
fingertips

Each layer consists of different kinds of
pain and torture
Either weighted down by
The personal demons
Inside my tormented brain
Or resist the temptation
To fight voluntarily
Being in the chains
That are so familiar
I can't breathe
It's just suffocating
Being stuck between two
Different shades of
Blue

They pierce me like a bullet from a gun
Please help me
I can't take it anymore
The stabbing, the bleeding
The p
           a
               i
                  n
It's so hard to breathe
I need to live
But I must get away from here
But I can't escape
because
The monsters live in my
HEAD.

The worst part is that
I could disappear today
And nothing would change.

I am the leftover sand, deposited in the tracks of a wave
The wave is so powerful, it has a course
A purpose
Billions of water molecules are on it's side
They're an army
Support
While they pave the road to their destination
I'm left behind.

I am the "good" eraser
Lost in the dark depths of your school bag
I don't matter.
You don't remember ever having me
But when you have something to erase
Suddenly you start digging in the pile of junk
Where I belong
I am never noticed
until
You decide to use me for your own benefit.

Maybe I'm the sidewalk beneath your feet
You never notice how dependent you are
upon me
But if I were to disappear
You'd be stuck.

Or more likely
I'm a single strand of hair on your head
Always there
But never thought of
For there are so many others to replace me
So when I finally shed
No longer with you
Everything carries on
as usual

What is it like
Not only to be seen
but
noticed?
What is it like
Not only to be heard
but
listened to?
What is it like to
Not only to be touched
but
felt
through and through
How does it feel
to actually be a
part?

The surface is fragile
One step above
One step below
It doesn't work out
There's no
gray area
only
black
and
white
The surface is
equilibrium
Desirable
Not to high
not to low
Perfect, relaxed
The higher you go or
the lower you go
the harder it is to get to the
balance
where you need to be
One step above
or
One step below
It just never works out
for
The surface is fragile
It only tolerates perfection.

I don't feel like
I can do this anymore
How do you hide the cracks
So that they aren't visible
to the eye?
Wings can suddenly appear
But they can't lift a body
Weighted
by
confused chains
Nothing is ever set in stone
Nor is ignorance ever
bliss
But neither is awareness
So what do you do in such a situation?
When there are two roads
branching off an intersection
But both of them are
Blocked?
Where do you go?
What do you do?
Nothing.
You stay.
Sit.
Still.
Stranded.
Silent.
Waiting for help to arrive
But you forgot the most important part
When you are the most
broken
lost
and desperate
The last thing any person would do
is offer
assistance

I'm standing in my nice box
Plastic smile on my face
Permanent
My eyes unblinking
They come
They want to play
They pull my hair
Bite my head
Pull me apart
Piece by piece and try to put me back together
the pieces don't quite fit
the way
they used to
at end of the day
they put me back in the box
covered with scratches and bruises
wounds
some of them you cannot see
the next day
they expect me to still be there
for them to play with
tear apart
again and again
until I am too broken
even for a
toy

Their perfect lipstick mouths
form words that never
disappear.
Fat, ugly, stupid
They stay
They haunt you
When you are left alone with only
your thoughts

Why do they hate me?

They live to make me feel like
the awkward piece
that doesn't fit into the puzzle
Left standing
behind their backs

Why do they hate me?

Company is rare
I try to find someone to talk to
comfort
glares are returned
from perfect people
I've
never
met.

Why do they hate me?

I stare at my reflection
In the mirror
"Fat"
The words replay in my mind
"Ugly"
But it's not their voices
"Stupid"
"Worthless waste of space"
It's mine.

Now I know why they hate me
Because I hate me too.

What doesn't **** you
Makes you stronger,
they say.
When they taunted me
My confidence turned into
bitter doubt
Questioning my every move
They hate me, I know it
Everyday is a struggle
They enjoy seeing me in pain
suffering
day by day
week by week
years
always the same thing
Now
the darkness is pierced into my heart
a permanent tattoo
for everyone to see.
No.
What they say is not true
Empty promises
What doesn't **** you
makes you wish it did.

I am not accepted.
Rejected
as sand deposits
left behind
in the tracks of an ocean wave
They come to my aid
They want to help me; of course they know
what is best
for me
speaking detailed instruction to my eager ears
telling me how to be a part
how to belong
They come over quite frequently now
I've become close enough
to learn their names
They are Fat and Ugly
They often speak of their cousins
Skinny and Pretty
How much better it is for them
How to become them
They only speak of the truth
They know best
Of course they know what's best
for me

I'm floating on top of water
Hands
mysteriously emerge
from the surface
they envelope me
and try to pull me down
below
I fight them off
they disappear
but they return
time after time I fight them off
but this time is different
The hands have left scars and bruises
Battle scars
My body is sore and broken
The hands pull me under
with little effort
for I have lost
the strength
to fight

Two different men
are making their way
to their workplaces
One saunters down the street
taking time to
breathe in
his surroundings
the sun stretches its
comforting arms
over a backdrop of a
shockingly
blue sky
each smile is met by
one of his own
meanwhile
the other man
drags his feet down the rough gravel
the atmosphere dismal
bleak, dreary, dim
As a single rain drop hits the top of his head
a horrid look of disdain becomes frozen on his face
As he pushes through the fog
with other men
walking
their doleful expressions
leave a sour taste in his mouth
nevertheless
the two men are
walking down the
same street
Although one may be peering through
rose-tinted glass
and the other through clear
each view is just as
real
as the next
because
reality
is nothing but
a state of
mind

I can handle fat,
ugly, and stupid but I
Cannot take worthless.

They say fighting is worth it
But is it
worth
it when you try to
hang on
when it's so much easier to
let go?
hope is a light barely shining
at the end of the tunnel
but the tunnel has been so
long
winding
fatigue from fighting
makes it so hard
not to keep moving forward
but
to head back
in the
opposite direction

Gravity is a strong force
pulling and
pulling
yet it manages to stay upright
seems to be
I am like an apple display
stable to the eyes
fragile in reality
one false move
causes everything to tumble
down
one apple at a time
then all at
once