I can finally dream again and you’re
Walking me down the rain stained sidewalks of the city
Feeding me with your sarcasm and blood
I dream to dream again and never forget
Your soft broken heart does not faze me
I only ask that you drag that lonely heart of yours to the side
And let it bleed until the sorrow is gone

I want to live on my own, by my own person
I am ready to begin my life without the pain
I am fighting to keep my head above water
I am trying to delete you from my life
Throw out the pictures and drawings and poetry
But I can’t throw out the mental pictures
The emotional memories
The verbal poetry that reverberates in my ears

I can delete you from my computer
I can throw away the pictures and poems and paintings
But when I close my eyes, you’re there
When I go to sleep you’re still there
When I walk around my cold lonely apartment, you’re there
You are still all around me and I don’t know what to do with it
I don’t know how to let it go, even though I have tried

I have tried seeing other people
I have tried dating other people
But no one feels right
It doesn’t feel right
They are not my best friend, there is no connection
They are not right, nothing in my life right now is right

I’ve been thinking all day, thinking too much
I am not thinking logically!
I am still searching for a reason to stay in this dumb ****** up city!
What am I waiting for? Another chance with a man who doesn’t love me?
I can’t sit around and wait for him to figure things out
I need to do something for me now
I need to follow my dreams and stop letting things hold me back
I found an open window to climb through
So I’m going to climb through it
Alex will not hold me back
Benji will not hold me back
Betty will not hold me back
I need to climb through the window and not look back

My heart may not make it
My brain works, my arms work, my legs work
My heart may not come back to life
I waited too long to tell you how I really feel
And now you may not come back either
Without you I may never recover
Not in the way that is suitable for love

I miss my little piece of sunshine
My heart doesn’t beat now
It didn’t beat with you either
But that’s because you took my breath away
I my heart will never be the same
I will never be the same

Just being you, you leave me breathless
Looking at your picture makes me smile
Holding your hand walking next to you
Makes my heart skip and sing
You make me sing and dance

Lying next to you makes me feel complete
Everything about you makes me happy
The wave in your hair
The way your little nose comes to a point
Your beautiful powder blue eyes
The goofy smirk you make when you’re drunk

I love how even in our distant silence
Your heart still speaks to mine
You’re still crying out for me
Still hanging on, Holding out
I only want to make you as happy as you make me

Your prose greatly outweigh your cons, you said
I adore you so much that I can’t even begin to make a list of cons
Because they are things that I can see past
Or that will change with healing and time

I feel like my life is an open book all of a sudden
Everyone knows who I am, what I am
Where I’m going and who I’m going with
This city is too small to hide in
And it makes me want to *****
Makes me want to cry, scream, throw things against the wall
But I know I have to be strong for everyone else
I feel like I can’t let anyone down
I can’t show my weaknesses
Not now, not yet
I’m not ready for that

I’ve exposed too much as it is
I’ve allowed people to know too much
I trust that they won’t exploit me
But I do not trust myself

God help me!
I need your guidance; I need your strength to be who you created me to be
I need your love and happiness to keep me going
I see my world being turned upside down!
Everything is changing so quickly!
So rapid and so unfair
I need to breathe, I need a break, I need escape
Bring me peace and confidence
Bring back the joy that once filled this empty heart

We share this life, one heart, this house, one body
We share this infection, this disease and all the anger
Personal thoughts and dreams, finger-tip touches and looks
We shared more than we thought we would
More than we really wanted to
And even miles away…you still continue to share more with me than I bargained for

I am not used to blocking out the sounds of the world anymore
I'm so used to having you by my side
Always smiling hand in hand
Freely going anywhere we wish
As dreamers will

I washed the smell of you off my hand yesterday at work
After holding your hand I could smell your body wash
I am not trying to get rid of memories of you
I am trying to let you go for the time being
I cannot even remember who I was before we dated
I don't want to remember
But I love you with my whole heart
As a dreamer would

You just keep pulling me back under the stars
Keep asking me to loan you my scars
You drag me kicking and screaming back to the city
Back to the water front, back to the beginning

You keep pulling, tugging at my soul
I feel you, I know you’re there
But I’m going to dance through that burning house
I’m going to risk it all
I need some motivation
I’m sitting on this park bench waiting
Waiting for your call

Dear, __
This is a story I’ve been longing to write to you
A story of truth and heart break
Nearly a year I have been lying to you
And for nearly a year it has been eating at me
Gnawing at me from the inside out
Like a pack of wolves feasting on a hot summers day

Dear, __
I dare not reveal your true name
Lights flicker around me in anger
As I still suppress my feelings and anguish
I keep quiet to prevent drama and demise
I keep quiet so I won’t hurt you
I keep quiet, I keep quiet
But this monster longs to break free

Dear, __
I’ll keep this empty space for you
And many others will try to fill it
Feeling their name meets protocol
Just because the space is bigger than your name
Doesn’t mean it is where they belong

Dear, __
I would breathe the air you breathe
Give you my breath if you asked
Gauze you wounds and stay with you till you’re better
In sickness and in health, I would not leave your side
Give you my pulse, my heart, my being

Dear, __
I am still looking for a way to tell you

I can’t take you anywhere, It’s too bad I carry you where ever I go
I have never once doubted you, only ever doubted myself in loving you
Tried making myself comfortable enough to tell you
Tried screaming it in my head to tell you
Tried writing you a love letter to tell you
You blow smoke in my face to tell me to back off
Talk cheaply to make me feel how I make you feel
But how else should I talk to you?
How else should I respond when trying to hide from you?
Just keep me in your circle and I will attempt to keep my heart silent
You’re secrets are safe with me
I won’t tell anyone
The one person I would die for and you’re huddled in a corner
Keeping your distance unsure of what I will do or say next
Just talk to me, I’ll be OK
Just tell me the truth, I’ll be OK
Yell at me, scream at me until you’re blue in the face!
I’ll be OK
I won’t tell anyone how you really feel, it’ll be OK

I’m sorry you feel the way you do
And I hope you suffer greatly
More rather, I hope your friends suffer
For what they did to us, what they did to me
And I only wish this upon you
So you and your friends will understand
The pain I have to deal with and conceal everyday

You are such a victimizer,
But you are not the victim here; I am
Stop trying to say you are
It’s not all about you
This time, it’s all about me
And how poorly I was treated and the damage that can’t be undone
How the loose lying mouths of your friends
Influenced you into becoming something you’re not

Easily influenced means you have a weak WILL
Weak WILL means weak mind
Weak mind means poor impulse control
And you my friend, have all of the above
But I love you anyway

I’m not writing the dreams down anymore
I don’t feel the need to, not since you’re with her
The dreams no longer reflect anything important to me
They are only dreams, things that I wish would happen
Things I wish you would say to me
I do not keep track of them anymore
I hardly keep track of you
I love you, but I can’t sit here and watch you ruin your life
Watching you ruin your life ruins my life
I have a life to live, I want to go live it
And I will
While you stay here in Seattle wallowing
I will be traveling the world at the top of my game
I will live our dream for you

I’ve been so consumed in my pain
I didn’t even notice the leaves had changed
Looked out my window to find the leaves yellow and orange
In the blink of an eye spring turned to fall
It’s time for a new season

I just want to breathe again
I don’t know how I’ll get by
But I’ll somehow pull myself together
I can’t escape you right now, but I will eventually
I will fill the space you left behind
The light will go on and I will figure it out

Right now I’m in another world
My mind has left Seattle and I am somewhere else
Nothing is like it was and I am waiting for grace
I’ve lost everything
I just want to hear your voice again
Feel your embrace
If I want to breathe again
I have to wake up!