i shared my secrets, flaws,
insecurities, and vulnerabilities with you
tenderly drawing hearts along your
back and spine with my finger
hearing you whisper
"don't ever leave me"
in my ear, sending chills down my spine
thinking that this love would last forever

four years later and
you are using those secrets
and insecurities against me
throwing vile, cruel words toward me
i am no longer of use to you
and you say i won't be in your life
despite leaving me on all of your
social media

so i have taken the first step
removing you bit by bit
from my life,
someone that can surgically remove me
from their life and replace me a few months later
is not someone that i want
in my life.

blocked from my life now
the only avenue left for you
is by phone, and
deep down i am dreading the day
i see your name pop up on my phone again.

sometimes i wonder when you
started the process of devaluing me
it was subtle, starting with little things
"you don't touch me enough"
so i start to touch you more,
show you more that i care
then it evolved into
"you're not goth enough,
not funny enough,
you don't do enough for me,
you don't go out enough"
more and more it continued
"you don't tease me enough"
and i realized that this was
never a relationship
i was something safe,
that would give you attention,
love, and a place away from your
sisters to stay.
in the beginning you were so charming,
considerate, taking time to learn about me
as i did the same
going on trips and being told
that i was the first person that you said you loved
in three years
but then i remember little conversations
you told your ex best friend before you met me
that you love them.
i wonder now, if anything you said
was real
or was it all a ploy to get something you wanted
easy access to a supply of love and *** and attention.
i remember feeling like i
was going crazy because you would
tell me things didn't happen that way
or tell me i said something when i knew
i didn't. i thought it was my fault
that i was somehow gaslighting you
and didn't realize it.
but now i see the truth of the matter,
and why you didn't want to work on the relationship.
i was given an ultimatum of having to get
therapy or you will leave, but when i asked if you would ever go back
you said you didn't need it.
after four years of trying so hard
to be there for you, to help you
thinking that you would do the same for me
i know now that you didn't have a connection with me.
already you're with someone new,
just a few months after leaving me.
i saw you without your mask for the first time
clearly i could see you for who you are
scared, insecure, pushing people away before
they realize what you're doing.
i still have so much compassion for you despite it all.
after everything i love you unconditionally,
and i believe it is what you have wanted from me all along.
to be wanted in the background, so that when you
grow bored of new people
you can come back to me as if nothing happened.
i only wish the best for you,
to live a life with ease and to be happy
but i feel like you will continue this pattern
with so many after me
just like you did before me.

thinking back to the time
we had reconciled
i remember how you wanted me
to touch you, and i said no
and you kept asking
asking if you could touch me instead
i kept saying no
but felt guilty, feeling like
i had to please you
to make you stay
remembering this, i wonder to myself
if all of this has been
transactional to you
and i try to check the facts as
i sift through more memories
of the times where love was withheld
and yet i still love you
because i've learned two things
can be true at one time
i can be disappointed,
and still be in love

i have learned how
to be alone
since i was a kid
i know how to entertain myself
and find appreciation
in whatever i have
i don't have to fill my time
with things that
don't mean anything to me
just to pass the time
i don't need to fill
the whole inside me
with someone else's
arms
the connections i create
are ones that i want
to nurture
because i wouldn't spend my time
on something
that didn't matter to me
the quiet in my life
is comforting
something i have
always had
and will have for
the rest of my days

you're doomed
once you've realized.

growing up you had told me
that i wouldn’t amount to anything
just a lazy *******
my existence meant nothing more
as inconsequential as a lonely ant

ive looked for validation from you
in the forms of other people
a boss, a lover, a friend, a hook up
ive traveled the globe
and even signed away my freedom
to find it

and finally after ten long years
i think ive figured it out
you can go to hell you
******* *******
i don’t need your *******
validation anymore

letting people in is such a scary thing
my mind becomes occupied with the thought
that i might be too much of
whatever i am
all of the
“what if im too talkative?”
and all of the
“is it okay for me to feel this way?”
and then the thought if it’s okay
to ask for validation that
i truly am loved for what i am

it turns out
all i needed to do
was ask aloud