Happiness seems to be elusive to me
I used to chase after it, feeling that's something I wanted
But as I get older, I feel like it's just death that's taunting.

I feel like I'm on the inside looking out
No longer the one who I used to be
But my screams are no longer heard
I used to write one way, I don't write like that anymore
My life has changed so drastically, I don't recognize myself anymore.

I open up tubs to see collections of things that I use to enjoy
As I send a thought back into my brain, It returns empty
I can't recall what made me like those hobbies

I look at those things now, and they are things I don't understand
It's like that part of my brain, will forever be destroyed

I once got told that when you go through stressful things in life
Your brain will rewire in order to protect itself
I've had days when I've woken up, and I didn't recognize the man I was yesterday.

My past is hanging by a thread
What's below it is a black hole

Lots of things have fallen in
I have no idea where they all will go.

Everywhere we turn, Death exists.
Never thought much about it as a young man
But as I get older I'm watching people die more often
I don't mean celebrities I mean people I've had contact with over the years.

My ex and I split in 2017, she moved out in 2019.
We briefly would keep in contact, nothing much
Early 2024 she sent me a message about her mom, they found breast cancer.
Almost monthly emails after that, chronicling how things were going.
I won't get into deep details, not my story to tell.
But lets just say she said goodbye to her Mom in late December, just before Christmas.

We talked briefly then, then things went silent.
I wanted to give her space
Let her heal, I've been in that position of losing a parent.
But she knew I was here if she wanted to talk.

Not even a week ago, woke up one morning email from the ex
Subject "Life *****" now her Dad isn't doing good, they think it's cancer.

She briefly told me she's losing her mind with everything going on
I don't doubt it, I would be to.
Sadly I see myself in that same position at some point in the future of losing my Mom.

Death is all around us
It doesn't care who you are
Young or old
The names of people who I've known who have died over the years, for a while it was a yearly thing.
To the point where I became numb at funerals
They don't phase me like they once did

They affected my brain though
Things used to be neatly stored, I would send a question deep into it about where a certain person is (living or dead) and I would get an answer
Now my mind looks like a hurricane went through
Memories everywhere, not full memories either
Fragments, almost like when I replay them they have static and glitches

Now certain things feel heavy in my brain
Things that may not be directly linked with death
Perhaps they are deep down and I haven't fully linked them yet

I now sit in silence
My thoughts echo louder than I can imagine
Almost like voices screaming at me
Not the good voices either, the negative ones.

I look outside, it's raining.
Everything looks dark and gloomy
Everything looks depressing.

Look at the failures that occupy this site

It's okay I'm no different from anyone of you, I fail too.

If you want to make art, you have to fail

If you don't want to fail, then don't make art

To be a successful artist, you have to fail better



How ****** up is that?

In order for you to get better, you have to fail better

As if failure isn't bad enough, you have to take failure to a whole new level.



I don't care if you've written one page

I don't care if you've written one thousand pages

You, me, him, her... EVERYBODY on this site is a failure

We all have that in common



We all come here to express our thoughts

To let out our inner emotions or inner dreams that we can only do in writing



In writing, you can win over the love of your life

You can stand up to your bully

You can have that "S" on your chest and be ******* Superman



Let us continue to fail together.

Every day it's something new with this *******
Who would put that idiot in charge of a country
He's no businessman, he only cares for himself.

But yet now the world is sinking under the weight of his *******
Wonder what's going to be next

Not that the country I'm in is any different
It's almost like this is the new wild west
But none of it makes sense

Being on the outside looking in
Being on the outside looking in

None of it really does make any sense
It's similar to a movie where people are live fed lines
No matter if it makes sense or not

Being on the outside looking in
Being on the outside looking in

I personally think this entire world is doomed
I personally think
The entire world
Is doomed.

It's weird how the internet changes you
I started out as this quiet kid keeping to myself
When this social media came around I wanted to be social cause that's what I thought people did.

But then I started to retract
I started to subtract

I just disabled my last social platform (twitch)
I don't need to be judged by people who don't know me
By people who would never tell me I'm doing a good job

I went from the social version of me
To the "all about me" version of me
Sure I still write, I still share it
I still put emotion into it

But at the end of the day
It's what one is comfortable with

So someone talks with a stutter and you have a speech impediment, so you think that's okay
But I'm guessing the life you want to live is that of a stowaway
I guess two wrongs make you right, but wait a minute when someone questions it your best action is to block them
Fragile life, some that you keep in and others you keep from
Guess that bubble you live in and you hide yourself away from the world with is fragile
Sooner than later your life will hit a wall and you'll once again be in trouble
It's either everyone must agree with you or you have no room for them.
Thinking your the one who feels like you should be praised for what you've overcome

I've watched your pattern for years, sooner or later you'll be crying wolf because someone did you wrong
When I signed up to be your friend, thinking I was one who never got the script and told to play along
Not exactly a world that I choose to be apart of, was happy when I found you unfriended me
Felt like the last little while I was suffocating, so I was happy to finally be set free
Best decision of your life, was debating about doing the exact same thing
Thought you would have been more understanding considering everything

The fragile structure that you live in I guess makes everything okay
Friendship with some people isn't so, it's more like a cult when all you can do is obey
Since you will quickly justify yourself with everything that you do
Don't worry, life isn't done with you yet sooner than later you'll have more ******* to go through
How many lies do you have to tell yourself before you believe the truth
The same song and dance is getting old, similar to a telephone booth
Doesn't matter anymore, thinking your at the top of the heap
You always sang the lines of being a black sheep, just shut the **** up and goto sleep
But we all know what kind of mountain your standing on
You squaking everything is conspiracy with you it's not a jog, but a marathon
Can smell it from miles away
With you it certainly seems like it happens everyday

Certainly life has you running from something
I'm sure no matter what it is, would no doubt be a dumb thing
But thats the life you chose, guess it's easier for you to run
To the public you self sabotage, but truly in your mind your number one
You barely took  your running shoes off
Just a simple question is all it took, to start nothing more than a standoff
Bet sooner than later you'll be running again
You haven't finished unpacking before your life turns back into a hurricane

Seems like things that are easy have became more difficult
I'm watching my body having more issues from the inside
Not much I can do about it, it's what happens when you get older

You know the ordeal, if you don't, you'll see it soon.
Back, hips, knees, eyes...
They maybe your friends now, but be thankful for them
Once they start going, its a very icy drop
Some say its a slippery *****
Fact is, its not a ***** its just an icy drop
They drop off fast

Oh and lets not forget, your brain
That will drop too, and I don't mean drop like sag
Like various body parts that can and no doubt will
Your brain maybe at 100% right now, but that will change
Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, sometimes it's a mix

While all that is going wrong, other things will too
Job hunting, seems easy, right?
Yeah, you're young
As you get older you'll drop twenty plus resumes, get maybe one call if your lucky, that call won't pan out.
They won't tell you why, chances are "your too old"

You never think about this sort of thing until you are in that bracket
It's just unreal and sad, I can't believe that I'm in this part of life.
Everything seems like a struggle
Being alone feels like a huge mental struggle
I used to enjoy sometime to myself
As I've gotten older, that's not the case