three girls
high-heal stumble
onto the street
casting
blue & red
strobing shadows

I'm sure your eyes
caught their
*******
facade
from behind those cop car windows
.     .     .     .
where you're going
its cold
and
smells like
sterile nothing
and you'll just sit there
with your arms
tucked in your shirt
     make up tip toeing
     down your cheeks

you'll be getting processed
judged
and prodded
by the long sticky fingers
of the law
and we'll be at home
drunk
sleeping

When I die
I don't care what happens to my body
throw ashes in the air, scatter 'em in East River
bury an urn in Elizabeth New Jersey, B'nai Israel Cemetery
But l want a big funeral
St. Patrick's Cathedral, St. Mark's Church, the largest synagogue in
        Manhattan
First, there's family, brother, nephews, spry aged Edith stepmother
        96, Aunt Honey from old Newark,
Doctor Joel, cousin Mindy, brother Gene one eyed one ear'd, sister-
        in-law blonde Connie, five nephews, stepbrothers & sisters
        their grandchildren,
companion Peter Orlovsky, caretakers Rosenthal & Hale, Bill Morgan--
Next, teacher Trungpa Vajracharya's ghost mind, Gelek Rinpoche,
        there Sakyong Mipham, Dalai Lama alert, chance visiting
        America, Satchitananda Swami
Shivananda, Dehorahava Baba, Karmapa XVI, Dudjom Rinpoche,
        Katagiri & Suzuki Roshi's phantoms
Baker, Whalen, Daido Loorie, Qwong, Frail White-haired Kapleau
        Roshis, Lama Tarchen --
Then, most important, lovers over half-century
Dozens, a hundred, more, older fellows bald & rich
young boys met naked recently in bed, crowds surprised to see each
        other, innumerable, intimate, exchanging memories
"He taught me to meditate, now I'm an old veteran of the thousand
        day retreat --"
"I played music on subway platforms, I'm straight but loved him he
        loved me"
"I felt more love from him at 19 than ever from anyone"
"We'd lie under covers gossip, read my poetry, hug & kiss belly to belly
        arms round each other"
"I'd always get into his bed with underwear on & by morning my
        skivvies would be on the floor"
"Japanese, always wanted take it up my *** with a master"
"We'd talk all night about Kerouac & Cassady sit Buddhalike then
        sleep in his captain's bed."
"He seemed to need so much affection, a shame not to make him happy"
"I was lonely never in bed **** with anyone before, he was so gentle my
        stomach
shuddered when he traced his finger along my abdomen ****** to hips-- "
"All I did was lay back eyes closed, he'd bring me to come with mouth
        & fingers along my waist"
"He gave great head"
So there be gossip from loves of 1948, ghost of Neal Cassady commin-
        gling with flesh and youthful blood of 1997
and surprise -- "You too? But I thought you were straight!"
"I am but Ginsberg an exception, for some reason he pleased me."
"I forgot whether I was straight gay queer or funny, was myself, tender
        and affectionate to be kissed on the top of my head,
my forehead throat heart & solar plexus, mid-belly. on my *****,
        tickled with his tongue my behind"
"I loved the way he'd recite 'But at my back allways hear/ time's winged
        chariot hurrying near,' heads together, eye to eye, on a
        pillow --"
Among lovers one handsome youth straggling the rear
"I studied his poetry class, 17 year-old kid, ran some errands to his
        walk-up flat,
seduced me didn't want to, made me come, went home, never saw him
        again never wanted to... "
"He couldn't get it up but loved me," "A clean old man." "He made
        sure I came first"
This the crowd most surprised proud at ceremonial place of honor--
Then poets & musicians -- college boys' grunge bands -- age-old rock
        star Beatles, faithful guitar accompanists, gay classical con-
        ductors, unknown high Jazz music composers, funky trum-
        peters, bowed bass & french horn black geniuses, folksinger
        fiddlers with dobro tamborine harmonica mandolin auto-
        harp pennywhistles & kazoos
Next, artist Italian romantic realists schooled in mystic 60's India,
        Late fauve Tuscan painter-poets, Classic draftsman *****-
        chusets surreal jackanapes with continental wives, poverty
        sketchbook gesso oil watercolor masters from American
        provinces
Then highschool teachers, lonely Irish librarians, delicate biblio-
        philes, *** liberation troops nay armies, ladies of either ***
"I met him dozens of times he never remembered my name I loved
        him anyway, true artist"
"Nervous breakdown after menopause, his poetry humor saved me
        from suicide hospitals"
"Charmant, genius with modest manners, washed sink, dishes my
        studio guest a week in Budapest"
Thousands of readers, "Howl changed my life in Libertyville Illinois"
"I saw him read Montclair State Teachers College decided be a poet-- "
"He turned me on, I started with garage rock sang my songs in Kansas
        City"
"Kaddish made me weep for myself & father alive in Nevada City"
"Father Death comforted me when my sister died Boston l982"
"I read what he said in a newsmagazine, blew my mind, realized
        others like me out there"
Deaf & Dumb bards with hand signing quick brilliant gestures
Then Journalists, editors's secretaries, agents, portraitists & photo-
        graphy aficionados, rock critics, cultured laborors, cultural
        historians come to witness the historic funeral
Super-fans, poetasters, aging Beatnicks & Deadheads, autograph-
        hunters, distinguished paparazzi, intelligent gawkers
Everyone knew they were part of 'History" except the deceased
who never knew exactly what was happening even when I was alive

                                                February 22, 1997

Butte Magic of Ignorance
Butte Magic
Is the same as no-Butte
All one light
Old Rough Roads
One High Iron
Mainway

Denver is the same
'The guy I was with his uncle was
the govornor of Wyoming'
'Course he paid me back'
Ten Days
Two Weeks
Stock and Joint

'Was an old crook anyway'

The same voice on the same ship
The Supreme Vehicle
S.S. Excalibur
Maynard
Mainline
Mountain
Merudvhaga
Mersion of Missy

I want to sleep, but I can't.
I've always been told that life is short and that we use a third of it sleeping,
so I make mine longer,

I go days,
hallucinating,
wondering whether or not that hand waving from around the corner was real,
my brother's like to play games,

I hear screams sometimes,
they sound terrible,
suffering that I've never imagined before enters me and my mind,

only after a few days does the suffering come,
only after a few days does it tears me apart,
it's instant,
euphoria floats over me,

I can feel it preparing,
gotta stop it,
can't let a second go to waste,


I sit and twiddle with my fingers,
breath faster,
I try to stay aleart until my next wind,

raaaaaaawrg,
yelling helps sometimes,
not always though,

I didn't have to close my eyes,
it started happening while I was alert,
I didn't even realize it,

the worlds mesh together sometimes with no warning,

jolts go through me,
I can't remember what I was doing,
am I driving?

it's hard,
I can't keep my thoughts focused,
everything wanders,
time slows,

this is the good part,
I start to see the intent that everything has,
I believe I can see into the future,
I see the mistakes I'll make,

It's a game sometimes,
Lets see how long I can go,
my body tires after the first few days,
I keep going,
sometimes weeks pass,

I never remember what's going on,
my speech is rushed,
I twitch,
keep going,
eventually sleep takes over,
it always does.

on the fringes
the outer extremes
a vision of myself
standing next to me

is this a future destination
or a song from the past?

is that my final countenance
I view in a dark mirror
and ask?

where I am now
and where I want to be
I detect hidden clues
in my aching spleen

a foreboding of
what ill winds may blow

a toxic brew
of electric jazz
jizzing in a ***** bottle
aging in formaldehyde
splits a mind in two
poetic visions

running watercolors
of empty houses
with more hidden clues

words to songs
written by me
now sound funny
and patently absurd

loving the history
form seems desirable
content too
but it doesn’t come together

something is missing

stories are embellished
an ego grows larger then a house
bursting open the doors
exploding the roof
sending the heavy slates flying
in all directions
flinging them
into ponds of regret

and lonesome longings
of art offered up
to a critical God
ignorant of history
as I see it

so I lie to myself
and proclaim
delusional truths to others
hoping they’ll listen
to my ***** tales
of higher knowledge
intimate loves
and this weeks episode of
my life’s action adventure series

am I an empty box
or a clanging bell?

ringing something of a warning
about me and my emptiness
as I stumble along in my cluttered apartment

Music Selection:
Ornette Coleman,  
Dancing in Your Head

Oakland
1/31/99