Nightly calls,
Daily emails,
Long, sweet texts
Must not be enough.
His flight gets in tonight,
And we're both on top of the world.

A problem doesn't dissipate
Unless it has been solved.
You might forget the details
But your heart feels all the holes.

God has an amazing way of tearing down every racist and hypocritical pillar of my legalistic mind.

I’m not sure what God is deriving of my present secrets and future sins, but although evangelicals would tell me otherwise,
I’ve never felt God this close before.

I should be running away from you.
I'm trying to stop caring and wanting
To know more,
Say more,
Listen.
You've been through a lot,
And maybe your mystery is what's sustaining these feelings--
How you've remained happy
After losing so much,
So many.

The door swung open,
And the wind blew through,
Hair flew out of tightly bound buns.
The priest knew not what to do.

Papers escaped the podium,
Leapt out of hands,
Fell to close-toed shoes,
And the truth became plain to you.

Follow the pages,
Backtrack those steps.
You're needed elsewhere.
Stop turning your back.

Many times I kiss you quickly,
My lips darting to and from yours like lightning,
Like a child sneaking a sweet,
Immediately retreating.

I want to kiss you,
Not like I’m taking,
But as I’m giving
All of my love,
Leaving everything to you,
Taking nothing for myself
Except for the few seconds my lips linger on yours.

I want to stare deeply into your fickle-colored eyes,
Kissing you,
Loving you,
Because when I’m giving you myself,
I have everything.

I'm skipping and laughing,
Twirling and throwing back my head.
Your arm is around my waist
And lips against my smiling teeth,
So healthy.

It starts with a cough,
And I'm crying and shivering.
You're cold and distant.
How could I welcome your touch?
We're ailing.

I swallow the mucous
And clear my throat.
We're fine--everything we want the other to be.
Hug me and hold me.
We're still in love;
This feeling is fleeting.

Then I'm heaving
And weeping.
I'm tired of waiting,
Believing you'll grow up.
Can you take care of yourself?
Then me? A family?

We made plans,
And you became the center of my dreams.
But maybe he wasn't you,
Only who I wanted you to be.
We're dying.

Run after me again.
Sweep me off my feet.
Kiss my forehead,
Reach my mind,
Put your head on my chest
To get to my heart.
We shouldn't feel secure in being apart.

Laughter,
Chuckles,
Spinning rooms,
Controlled words
Mixed with loosened tunes.

Spin me,
Kiss me,
Ignite my night.
I'm studying
Yet fun arrives.

I'm shivering,
Listening,
Singing softly.
My voice projects.
I'm breathing deeply.
Words leave my lips
Like ghosts,
Only visible when their clouds
Condense on the windshield,
Expanding then dissipating.

Alone at last,
I make sense apart from busyness,
Singing,
"From time to time I'll pass on by,
But I will never stay."
Because everyone is singing about California,
So certain that their happiness resides in a place,
And chilled to the bone that night,
I'm happy in my sadness,
In my inability to settle where I'm busy
Nor while I'm sitting there
Singing and idling.

I turn the key
For perfect silence
And enjoy the steep drop,
Departing just before freeze.

I'd give up my hopes,
I'd give up my dreams,
Because you're the only one
I love down deep.
Deeper than my reputation,
Deeper than my pride.
You teach me,
You love me,
Everything seems outside.
I don't give up on these,
And keep reaching toward my goals,
Because I know you support them,
You support me.
But it kills me to be kept from you.
I hate how missing you hurts so badly.
But we're working for these,
And we're working for us.

Today,
I'm regretting what is behind us
Or making plans for our beyond--
Beyond today.
I live in the past or the future.
Hold me and encourage me
To live today with you.

I can't enjoy this life
Rewinding or fast-forwarding in my mind.
Let's just press play.

Pray for me.
Beg on my behalf.
Because God favors you
And won't bother with this heathen.
Be sure to be short with me,
While revealing your heart--
One puffed up with righteous pride
And pouring the salt.

My greatest flaw
Is that I expect a lot from people.
I give and take.
I think and do.
I lay back and live.
I am every extreme,
And I believed you to be the same.

My greatest lesson learned
Is that I am so vulnerable
And overlook hard truths.

I made excuses for you,
As I do for myself.
I need to find myself apart from you,
Apart from everyone else.
But I can do this while giving my time
To all of those I love,
To all of those I've neglected.
I can be sorry for nothing
In making up with those who have been patiently waiting
For me to find myself
And who have graciously allowed me to do so.

Heart-broken,
Down-trodden.
He's a thief,
She's a liar,
I'm a heretic,
But it still hurts.

I'm torn between love and disappointment.
Wanting solitude
And finally granted it.

Overwhelmed in a new city.
Dim street lights brushing the balcony.
I'm sitting with a friend and temporary roomies--
One German who is giggly and tipsy,
The other rapping--a mixture of English and Portugese.
Our eyes are twinkling as the hours are passing.

I can't stop the laughter.
The topics start serious, becoming lighter,
From the origin of man to experiencing higher--
Politics, stories, our different cultures.
Age is nothing but a number,
And I'm getting louder.

To get away from home
Is to truly become,
To be undefined by where you've come from.
Chicago has a uniquely special hum
And connected me to people who share this same blood.

Money is meant to be earned then spent,
Love is meant to be given then received,
Time is meant to be used to its fullest,
And God is meant to make sense of it all.
Believe.

I wish I had a magic mirror
To show me your peaceful slumber,
I could watch you there sleeping,
Instead I’m awake here dreaming.

One day long ago
I ripped up a journal,
Ashamed of what I wrote.
Sometimes I wished I could erase the past.
I'd despair and self-criticize.

I knew nothing of grace
Until my mistakes were put into perspective.
I try the best I can
Yet I sin,
Pray,
Again and again.

I'm always good intentioned
And have legitimate reasons for it all.
I don't think I've hurt anyone,
Continuing to fall.

I loved you once,
And I'll love him when I'm done with you.
This time his grace will match mine
When I tell him what I thought we had.
I'll forgive him for the things he shared with her,
And we'll take our lessons and our pasts
Uniting them in our future.

I won't rip up my memories
Or trash the broken pieces.
My body and spirit were never damaged
But living a phenomenal story.

Just let me be.
Let me finish this cup.
Watch me spin around the room
With my girls
And laugh it up.

Steal no more kisses.
I'm human not lonely.
Stop trying and prying.
I'm a woman
Who knows what I've wanted.

My plans change
'Cause I'm thinking beyond today.
Life gets better and better,
But when I've said a firm "No",
I don't switch like the weather.

My eyes crinkle
On their own accord.
My lips curl
Forming every word.
I promise that they mean no more.

I found our letters.
Every word stung,
And I am so sorry for the promises
We didn't keep.

But I'm not sorry for who we are now,
How our current lives have to be.
I loved you,
But Love is more dear to me,
And God is directing me differently.

I was wrong about you,
And you were wrong about me.
I will never know you,
And you will never know me,
But let's think the best of each other,
Remembering the good times we had.
We couldn't figure each other out,
But we had a little fun trying.

As soon as I knew I was losing someone I loved--
Knew that things would never be the same--
I numbered the days
And made every one count.
I was there,
Laughing more,
Listening more,
Loving deeper than the time we had before.
Because making the most of the time you have
Makes the time afterward more bearable.

I'm not sorry
For most of my apologies
You see, I'm sorry for inevitably hurting others
But if I was everything they wanted me to be
We wouldn't be happy.

Laying in bed,
Starting to pray,
Trying to find the perfect words to say,
I stopped and felt God here suddenly,
Knowing exactly how I'm feeling,
And it's suddenly not irrational.
It all makes sense
And doesn't.
It's like He knows I'm missing you,
He respects it
And loves it.
He created me to miss you this way.

Sing me to a different place
Smooth phonation,
Give me space.

There's not enough room here for my thoughts and me.
Will I ever be content in this reality?

I control our conversations,
If I can call them that at all.
I phone to hear your voice,
But with short sentences,
My heart falls.

Everything you see
Must remind you of me.
I'm sorry that you struggle,
But I've moved past our troubles.
You're trying to rid every memory of me,
While I remember it all and regret nothing.

I remember our good times.
I miss thinking you were in love with me,
Even if it was a lie.