Take me away from here.
I don't care where we go.
I just want your hand in mine,
As we explore the "more" I'm searching for.

Let me dance among tulips,
But keep me in your sight.
Watch me run toward the ocean,
But meet me on the shore.

Open your mind and heart with me.
Take all this newness in.
Savor these flavors 'fore they disappear.
Capture scenes with your mind's eyes.

One foot in front of the other.
Bring our bodies to new heights.
See the world from high above,
Then join me down below.

In a field,
Along the shore,
At the table,
Atop a mountain,
Under covers--
Take me.

I'll go anywhere with you.

I go back in time
When I look at a picture
And feel as I did even clearer.

Look at how happy
But shaking with fear.
Let's flip pages to now, to here.

The happenings behind his eyes
Are in the open and real,
In his actions, words--so surreal.

He's teaching me to drop my worries,
To embrace all valid emotions.
His logic completely discourages confusion.

"Can I love again?"
Yes, in fact, stronger than before.
It's spiritual, humbling--I'm unconditionally adored.

He's fearless and giddy,
Can't see my reservations.
He blindly removes them, my liberation.

Nightly calls,
Daily emails,
Long, sweet texts
Must not be enough.
His flight gets in tonight,
And we're both on top of the world.

I've felt stress
Daily.
But the load has never this bad, baby
My head is pounding
My stomach is twisting and burning
I want to wake up in your arms
I want to be reminded every morning that you're there to save me
From myself
But I can't save the world in bed with you

I'm getting everything I want
But I can't have it all together
My head is cloudy
Worries flying to the forefront of my consciousness
Each stressor fighting for my attention
My shoulders aren't broad enough to carry the load
It's spilling from my eyes
And landing on the corners of your perfect mouth
I try to localize the pain within my arms' reach
So nobody else gets hurt
But you've stepped into my arms
And I'm letting you taste it from my lips

What do I want?
Without the factors?
I want to come home to you every day
Starting right now
But I can't...without changing your well-established life
And I don’t expect you to follow me
But I pray to God that you wait for me
As I pack my schedule
Work tens of states away
Study with hundreds of miles in between us
I hate feeling like I'm choosing this over you
Truth is, I want to stay with you more than any of this.
When I’m with you
There’s no way to fail and nobody to disappoint
You’re safe and I WANT TO STAY HERE
My heart is telling my head, stomach--every part of me
That I want you this summer and always
But I'm working and studying for more than myself and even for you—my favorite part of life
In Maine I truly feel like I'm contributing to science, toward a cure for glaucoma
As an optometrist, I'll be able to help thousands of patients see the world
I can't possibly be in this for the money, either
I'm taking so many hits in the process of trying to make the biggest impact I can on this world
I’m a bundle of insecurities with a bizarre responsibility to use what little I have to make lives after mine better
It’s why I pick so many battles
Care so much about politics
Organize all of these committees
Kiss babies and stare off into their futures
Decide to uncomfortably go out and softly tell my truths
It’s why I chose to be a scientist and a doctor.
But it’s costing us—and it kills me that it’s costing you, too.
You’re a main character in this crazy, transitional chapter of my life
And I hope you’ll stay for the rest of my book.

An hour-twenty away
Yet I can't find the time or day
Between work, school, and responsibilities
To burn oil all the way to your place.

I'm constantly on the go.
The time I have is spent hating this flow,
Wrapped up in insecurities,
Feeling like I'm failing at everything

But your arms offer complete release,
Lounging around and being me--
A me I don't have time to be,
Anywhere else but on my knees.

How am I supposed to be happy away from you?
Send me a text and Snapchat a few?
The only idea that softens my brow,
Is a picture of our life together years from now.

A problem doesn't dissipate
Unless it has been solved.
You might forget the details
But your heart feels all the holes.

A surprise competition.
Why do I decide to lose?
I remove myself from the situation
And see she's who he should choose.

She's beautiful,
Good,
The same age;
Shared childhoods.

She's the one Mom loves
The girl to keep her son at home
I'd be fine with the above
Except his heart also sings her hum.

What a story they'd retell
With me a minor character,
A rising action,
An unintentional match-maker.

My life about to fork.
From a hopeful, "Come with me."
To a plot-twisting,
"Go pursue her."

I'm grappling with insecurities
Wanting all of him to love me.
His mother and his memories
Are pulling at his strings.

But he's not budging.
He's here holding me.
Tell me this isn't temporary.
I need him to choose me--
Over and over
I can't share him with her.

I'm not sorry
For most of my apologies
You see, I'm sorry for inevitably hurting others
But if I was everything they wanted me to be
We wouldn't be happy.

Anchormen every morning
Famed KC's three-sided hub.
Traffic northbound,
Southbound,
Eastbound,
Westbound.
Honks and blinkers all resound
In one ear and out the other,
Distant memories of highways
I'd never traveled nor cared about.

Now you've brought them meaning
I've passed over every road
Racing to you
Then cruising and dreading visits' endings.

Your finger through my belt loop
A smirk across your face
Your shared not stolen sorry
A deep, inviting gaze
A cord wrapped 'round your doorknob
Quick then deeper kiss
Your country songs
My hipster hums
A wide smile spans your face.

"Don't get in your own way."
My eyebrows furrowed
Then raised as I nodded,
Mouth curled,
"Do you know what I'm trying to say?"
Heavy lids,
Eyes wet with understanding,
"Yes, absolutely."
I sighed,
Smiled,
And let my heart soar.

My head on his chest
Fingers drawing circles around his navel,
"You know how if the moon were any closer
Or any farther away,
Our tides would be outrageous?"
A smile creeps along his lips,
"Mmm-hmm."
"And if this earth were any closer
Or any farther way
From our sun,
We wouldn't have life?"
His "yes" trails off.
"Well, that's like you and I--
If you were any smaller
Or any bigger
We couldn't fit together perfectly like this."
He kisses my forehead
And pulls me closer.

The door swung open,
And the wind blew through,
Hair flew out of tightly bound buns.
The priest knew not what to do.

Papers escaped the podium,
Leapt out of hands,
Fell to close-toed shoes,
And the truth became plain to you.

Follow the pages,
Backtrack those steps.
You're needed elsewhere.
Stop turning your back.

Sing me to a different place
Smooth phonation,
Give me space.

There's not enough room here for my thoughts and me.
Will I ever be content in this reality?

Growing up being told you're smart,
Making straight A's,
Hitting those marks;
You started to believe you were something great.

The truth is,
Tens of thousands of valedictorians graduate every year.
Most don't change the world
In the way you wanted to.
Some become parents,
Work those 9 to 5 jobs;
Too busy living a typical life,
Not studying or traveling abroad.

You thought you were different.
Now can't you see?
To **** the marrow out of life
Is to live privately,
And the attention you seek
Will come from friends and lovers locally.

I find the perfect pair of shoes,
Work hard,
Earn the money
To buy them,
So I can run around in them
And fall on my face.

I'm running,
Panting,
Arms pumping hard.
I don't know where I'm sprinting to,
But I know what I'm running from.

You're the most complicated problem
I've ever tried to solve.
You're the best at hide-and-seek
And somehow I've hidden you
Under piles of rhetoric
Religiosity,
Philosophy,
Science,
Shame.

Tell me I'm Yours.
Help me feel like I don't have to be sorry,
Like you've already forgiven me
Before my heart begins to sink.

I can't love the way I want to love You
Until I accept the love You have for me.
I'm tired of pushing it away,
Of pushing You away.

Laughter,
Chuckles,
Spinning rooms,
Controlled words
Mixed with loosened tunes.

Spin me,
Kiss me,
Ignite my night.
I'm studying
Yet fun arrives.

I found our letters.
Every word stung,
And I am so sorry for the promises
We didn't keep.

But I'm not sorry for who we are now,
How our current lives have to be.
I loved you,
But Love is more dear to me,
And God is directing me differently.

I'm running through the door
To your meadow.
Tall grass of green
Sprinkled with yellow.
My feet sink in soil so soft.

I'm crossing over the white picket fence
To your ocean.
Oysters with life.
My tears add to salt water.

Just let me be.
Let me finish this cup.
Watch me spin around the room
With my girls
And laugh it up.

Steal no more kisses.
I'm human not lonely.
Stop trying and prying.
I'm a woman
Who knows what I've wanted.

My plans change
'Cause I'm thinking beyond today.
Life gets better and better,
But when I've said a firm "No",
I don't switch like the weather.

My eyes crinkle
On their own accord.
My lips curl
Forming every word.
I promise that they mean no more.

My heart is at the origin,
Yearning to follow the radius,
To pass the arc
On the circle of exploited feelings,
The circle in which he can't be found.

Heart-broken,
Down-trodden.
He's a thief,
She's a liar,
I'm a heretic,
But it still hurts.

I'm torn between love and disappointment.
Wanting solitude
And finally granted it.

Warm and sunny now
But still frigid in mountains
Choosing swim or ski.

Writing in pencil
Fear of mistakes and blunders
Finally scribbling in ballpoint.

Words in confidence
Met with silence or brief sounds
Noise of a listener.

Destination mind
Frustrated by journeying
Time to live positively.

Tennis scholarship
Mix of love of game with coin
Passion lost in season.

Summer sweat and laughs
Racket in hand, ball bouncing
Serving to future.

The point, comma, dot
Separating, ending, stop
Punctuation--final.

Useless helping hand
Without smiles, kind words, or love
Generosity.

As soon as I knew I was losing someone I loved--
Knew that things would never be the same--
I numbered the days
And made every one count.
I was there,
Laughing more,
Listening more,
Loving deeper than the time we had before.
Because making the most of the time you have
Makes the time afterward more bearable.

I should be running away from you.
I'm trying to stop caring and wanting
To know more,
Say more,
Listen.
You've been through a lot,
And maybe your mystery is what's sustaining these feelings--
How you've remained happy
After losing so much,
So many.

Everything you see
Must remind you of me.
I'm sorry that you struggle,
But I've moved past our troubles.
You're trying to rid every memory of me,
While I remember it all and regret nothing.

My lips are sore.
I didn't see what you had in store.
I'm standing up and heading toward the door,
But you pull me back for more.
I'm doing what's right but being ignored,
So you must not be the one I'm destined for.

I'm shivering,
Listening,
Singing softly.
My voice projects.
I'm breathing deeply.
Words leave my lips
Like ghosts,
Only visible when their clouds
Condense on the windshield,
Expanding then dissipating.

Alone at last,
I make sense apart from busyness,
Singing,
"From time to time I'll pass on by,
But I will never stay."
Because everyone is singing about California,
So certain that their happiness resides in a place,
And chilled to the bone that night,
I'm happy in my sadness,
In my inability to settle where I'm busy
Nor while I'm sitting there
Singing and idling.

I turn the key
For perfect silence
And enjoy the steep drop,
Departing just before freeze.

God has an amazing way of tearing down every racist and hypocritical pillar of my legalistic mind.

I’m not sure what God is deriving of my present secrets and future sins, but although evangelicals would tell me otherwise,
I’ve never felt God this close before.

One day long ago
I ripped up a journal,
Ashamed of what I wrote.
Sometimes I wished I could erase the past.
I'd despair and self-criticize.

I knew nothing of grace
Until my mistakes were put into perspective.
I try the best I can
Yet I sin,
Pray,
Again and again.

I'm always good intentioned
And have legitimate reasons for it all.
I don't think I've hurt anyone,
Continuing to fall.

I loved you once,
And I'll love him when I'm done with you.
This time his grace will match mine
When I tell him what I thought we had.
I'll forgive him for the things he shared with her,
And we'll take our lessons and our pasts
Uniting them in our future.

I won't rip up my memories
Or trash the broken pieces.
My body and spirit were never damaged
But living a phenomenal story.

I'm dancing with my Muslim friend,
Tutoring with a lesbian,
Sharing quotes with the physics kid,
Night-running through campus lit,
Dreaming of journeys from deep within,
And nothing at all feels alien.

I remember our good times.
I miss thinking you were in love with me,
Even if it was a lie.

Pray for me.
Beg on my behalf.
Because God favors you
And won't bother with this heathen.
Be sure to be short with me,
While revealing your heart--
One puffed up with righteous pride
And pouring the salt.

Overwhelmed in a new city.
Dim street lights brushing the balcony.
I'm sitting with a friend and temporary roomies--
One German who is giggly and tipsy,
The other rapping--a mixture of English and Portugese.
Our eyes are twinkling as the hours are passing.

I can't stop the laughter.
The topics start serious, becoming lighter,
From the origin of man to experiencing higher--
Politics, stories, our different cultures.
Age is nothing but a number,
And I'm getting louder.

To get away from home
Is to truly become,
To be undefined by where you've come from.
Chicago has a uniquely special hum
And connected me to people who share this same blood.

My greatest flaw
Is that I expect a lot from people.
I give and take.
I think and do.
I lay back and live.
I am every extreme,
And I believed you to be the same.

My greatest lesson learned
Is that I am so vulnerable
And overlook hard truths.

I made excuses for you,
As I do for myself.
I need to find myself apart from you,
Apart from everyone else.
But I can do this while giving my time
To all of those I love,
To all of those I've neglected.
I can be sorry for nothing
In making up with those who have been patiently waiting
For me to find myself
And who have graciously allowed me to do so.

Money is meant to be earned then spent,
Love is meant to be given then received,
Time is meant to be used to its fullest,
And God is meant to make sense of it all.
Believe.

I left a city of comfortable people
To experience God away from your steeple.
God is as vast as the clear, South Dakota sky,
Bigger than the sins of nonbelievers and their lies--
Petty problems tearing everyone apart.

He is greater than misquoted scripture,
Emotional phrases by judgmental hypocrites.
Yes, hallelujah to the Christ!
Go ahead and sing Kumbaya with all you've got.
You're trying to bring yourself closer to a God
Who is all around you.
Please stop to listen to yourself and your crew,
The truth is that you're limiting Him.

He's more than your facade and your two-dimensionality.
I'd rather believe in a God of mystery--
A God of gray.
I'm glad to have left your City of Black and White.
My God isn't boring,
He's infinite.

I don't disappear when life gets hard
Or push those I love away.
Christ didn't hide from the cross
Or shun men who went astray.

I was wrong about you,
And you were wrong about me.
I will never know you,
And you will never know me,
But let's think the best of each other,
Remembering the good times we had.
We couldn't figure each other out,
But we had a little fun trying.

I control our conversations,
If I can call them that at all.
I phone to hear your voice,
But with short sentences,
My heart falls.

I'm skipping and laughing,
Twirling and throwing back my head.
Your arm is around my waist
And lips against my smiling teeth,
So healthy.

It starts with a cough,
And I'm crying and shivering.
You're cold and distant.
How could I welcome your touch?
We're ailing.

I swallow the mucous
And clear my throat.
We're fine--everything we want the other to be.
Hug me and hold me.
We're still in love;
This feeling is fleeting.

Then I'm heaving
And weeping.
I'm tired of waiting,
Believing you'll grow up.
Can you take care of yourself?
Then me? A family?

We made plans,
And you became the center of my dreams.
But maybe he wasn't you,
Only who I wanted you to be.
We're dying.

Run after me again.
Sweep me off my feet.
Kiss my forehead,
Reach my mind,
Put your head on my chest
To get to my heart.
We shouldn't feel secure in being apart.

Mixtures of green, brown, and blue,
Different in the morning and afternoon.
Look into my steady, aqua eyes.
Don't dart away; show me your mind.

Give me what you're feeling.
My brain is spinning and reeling.
As soon as I register your color,
It switches madly to another.

Keep those wild eyes open,
So I can see the aura you've chosen.
I’d rather you scream at me,
Than keep me here wondering.

The other night
I fell asleep slowly then suddenly,
Day-dreams of you molding into my slumber.
In between light and deep sleep,
Just after my eyes flutter closed,
I see you approaching me,
Your eyes steadfast on mine,
Your smile unending,
I feel your hands on my waist,
Your arms embracing,
More vivid than the blankets enveloping me.
You spend all day with me,
And you follow me home
To play with me in my dreams.
With you miles away,
We fell asleep.

Today,
I'm regretting what is behind us
Or making plans for our beyond--
Beyond today.
I live in the past or the future.
Hold me and encourage me
To live today with you.

I can't enjoy this life
Rewinding or fast-forwarding in my mind.
Let's just press play.

We make love
The way it should be.
I love you,
And you love me.
In asking for nothing
We're gaining everything,
My selfless lover.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did that day
When I looked into your eyes
And let your giggles fall to the kitchen floor
And surround me,
With the realization that my life would lack everything
Without you there beside me.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did that day
When you threw all caution out the window.
I had washed the strep from my clothes and sheets
And made clear to you the boundaries for your safety,
But you kissed me stubbornly,
Full and passionately,
Risked your health just to be there with me.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did that day
When I cried on your shoulder
And told you all of my shameful secrets,
Not expecting you to forgive me or think of me the same,
But you wiped away my tears with a soft stroke of your hand
And told me you love who I was and who I am.

I didn't think I could love you more
Than I did today
When my family grew with the addition of yours.
I laughed until I cried with your cousin,
Held you close as we flew through the fields,
And I met your many morning wake-up calls and kisses
With dreams of our love-filled future.

I won't think I can love you more
Than I will that day
When we're all gathered together.
I'll watch you place the ring on my finger.
I'll tell you 'I do'
And I'll continue to love you more and more every day,
Although I'll never think it possible.

I'd give up my hopes,
I'd give up my dreams,
Because you're the only one
I love down deep.
Deeper than my reputation,
Deeper than my pride.
You teach me,
You love me,
Everything seems outside.
I don't give up on these,
And keep reaching toward my goals,
Because I know you support them,
You support me.
But it kills me to be kept from you.
I hate how missing you hurts so badly.
But we're working for these,
And we're working for us.

My man likes to giggle—
Mr. Optimism,
His smile unmistakable and broad,
With a contagious look on the bright side.

He completes what is required
And lays back to enjoy the rest of the ride,
While life has got me on edge.
I work long past his bedtime.

He sees life behind a lens
That supersedes his passion for pictures.
My man simply admires me
As I spend time analyzing him.

This doctor fell for an artist.
I thought he’d be a lawyer-type.
But what I thought I wanted
I’d now be dreading.

Because I love driving home
To embracing arms and long kisses,
An eager ear and nodding face,
No negativity, demands, or competition.

I’d rather my man love me enough
To laugh at jokes not understood
Than to talk over me
And criticize me for being different.

When he and I started dating,
Our similarities stood blatant,
But now our differences are evident,
And I love him all the more for them.

Toe to toe,
Grasping, caressing.
Chest to chest,
Stretching, curling.
Waist to waist,
Yearning, pleasuring.
Lips to lips,
Inhaling, exhaling.
Mind to mind,
Learning, loving.