im surrounded by so much light
yet i pray for some to seep into me.
a father looks into his daughter's eyes
on the screen of my tv.
i lean forward
yet i feel nothing

sullen
black
darkness
im crazy
im not sure.
laugh alot.
pretend its okay
soak up the sun
soak up the tears.
make it winter
drown in tears.
while in the streets.
they sing festive cheers.
sanity.
sanity.
sanity silence.
   vanity violence.


i m still confused.
since when.
everyday.
i dress my wounds
a little more.
a little more fancier.
i hide the scars.
where no one can find them.
maybe only me.
deleting words i type.
why? out of shame?
what is right. what is wrong.
painted
images come in my mind.
is this a cry for help.
i wonder.
am i going crazy.
what is crazy.
maybe i'll try to explain me.
and maybe you'll be the judge.
fast
incredibly fast.
is there a therapist in the house.
i dont trust them.
they are boring.


are girls really illogical.
that makes me angry!
i dont want to be illogical.
i hate myself.
im scared of worms.
i like dark colours.
i think alot about accquiring stuff.
distracting myself from actually thinking.
by thinking of other stuff.
like how to be pretty.
have dreams and ambitions.
but im just building stuff up.
inside, im confused.
cos this dreams and ambitions are shallow.

and nothing makes enough sense.

tell myself repeatedly,
wash the clothes. wash the clothes.
it sits there. 4 days i think.
soaking in the water.
why do i never do that.

touching water. i rather be sleeping.
i rather be writing.
i rather be doing anything but cleaning.

but it keeps bothering me.

clean the room. clean the room.

why?

for whom?

i like it this way.

nobody visits me.
im a mess.
my room is in a mess.
keeping it clean will be pretentious.

should i put on a front.
people will like me better that way.

stop nagging me i say to myself.
and i start nagging myself to stop nagging myself.

so many different thoughts.
**** yourself.
laugh harder.
jump off the building.

magic dont exist.
im a non-believer.

funny amazing.

why do i like so much
to laugh.
why.
why.

why do i almost cry when i laugh.

why do i secretly wish i could cry my feelings out.

and stab myself.

pull my hair.
scream.
lean back. stare at the ceiling.
silently.
i get tired.
shhhh...

sit on a rocking chair.
to and fro.

make creepy voices and laugh.
why is that funny.
laugh very hard.
refuse to think hard.
im just writing whatever.
i need some help.
i want some help.

does normal exist.

i hear you.
i just heard you.

laughing.
ice cream over your face and hair.
how come i remembered.
i wasnt telling myself to.
i wasnt saying oh this is fun. i had fun.
i just do.
i didnt write then.
i didnt need to.

you smiled at me. i smiled back.
we were kids.
we were free.

and slowly time eradicated your smile.
or mine.
it holds too many secrets inside.
my mind.
and weird how time is.
it feels like a drag yet looking back, its all gone
in a puff.

now your smile is tainted.
complicated you know.
one does not always smile cos one is happy.
there could be alternate reasons.
its not straightforward.
how are you? a question asked one too many.
can we really know?
ask and you shall receive?
receive the deception?
they say they are fine.

if that seems enough questioning to convince you.
you must be a fool.
either from choice or not.

i dont like people.
i like them.
but maybe not always.

my friends are great but i keep secrets from them.
so it tortures me to be with them.

its a self-inflicted torture.

its a tainted smile on my face.
its the lonely night like this that
im writing this.

its the out loud wondering.

what's going on.

its a need for some explanation.

what am i doing.

im losing my mind.

there is no coherence.

im not losing my mind.

i still make sense.

complexities.

like a bee to honey.

i wrap myself around them.

like they keep an illusion around me.

an illusion of depth.

whereas,

lies in me a masked reality

denied so many times.

i keep doubting the presence of it.

the presence of the absence.

i say my life is not empty.

i say it is over-flowing.

i believe it.

but is this my one true belief.

or a self-inflicted one.

a choice i made just to be happier.

out of convenience.

but really deeply questioning myself.

i dont know why i think my life is great.

am i giving up.

am i slowly eroding.

and i think alot of myself.

narcissitic.

i cant get enough of myself.

and i want attention.

and i want to control people.

why?

i do things to get desired outcomes from people.

follow ur heart they say sometimes.

i dont have a heart.

i follow my sins.

my greed.

i torture people.

the ones in my head.

im scared to hurt people in real life.

i want to see them happy.

i want them far away from me.

and my evil intentions.

its something i fight everyday.

i do what i think is right.

but sometimes

i go against my very own principles.

this confuses me.

do i not like my principles?

then why do i make them my principles?

do i try too much not to fit in to my own boundaries.

that i run to and fro from one conclusion to another.

do i throw away all my life just for a moment of peace.

ants in my screen for real.

my life is a mess.

im buried.

deep in the chaos around me.

and im helpless against my own.

she needs to change.

something has to give.

and im afraid of a life without her.

the me i want to change.

and by change i mean get rid of.

will i still be me if i change.

will i still be me.

me.

i am.

confused.

"do you suppose there is a moonflower
who faces the moon
just like the sunflower does to the sun?"

"you are the moon"
he said looking at me
"and I am your moonflower."

stay a little longer,
edward scissorhands.
a cold shoulder to lean on,
my prickly little cactus.

seems like we have something in common.
i like hurting myself
and so do you.

precious time we own

both yours and mine.

indeed,

such wealth seems worth wanting to keep

but we must remember

in taking yours,

i’m losing mine.

precious time we own.

Somewhere
hidden
in her
soul,

beneath her
veiled words
and the glances she stole,
was a story left to unfold.
A desire to be noticed,
A desire to be admired.
As if her presence
was dripping in
molten gold.

high on the plant
that grows out of the soil
reaching far against the turmoil
the turmoil called life
the turmoil called death
fist to fist on an endless fight

her laughter is as
precious as diamonds.
her smile,
rare to find.
the sound of her laugh
like someone had suddenly
burst open a bag of pearls
and it is tumbling everywhere.
when she sparkles with joy
you'll know
she's truly a gem.

Please dont break this perfect illusion
And tell me you love me.
A illusion that feels
Closest thing to real.
Exactly what I need to heal
Sensations of metallic tasting wounds.
Surrounding me.
I need your love.
Wanting is not even an option for me.
Stay with me.
Until I want to leave.

the love you have to give
may it sprout.
and blossom
wild and free.

the words you have to share
may it spread
with kindness
to touch and heal.

may your presence
be the gift
that remains even
long after you leave.

Where are all the answers?
Look within.
It's a muddle inside.
Which way leads to home?
Which way leads to you.
If I take one,
Where will I be departing to?
Everyday, it seems
I'm throwing all that I am
My principles, my past,
My identity.

if these are fake worries and fears
why don't i shed fake tears.
why does it really hurt.

Soft like a dandelion
Blown away by the wind.
Which carries your cries for help.
Crushed by the hands that feed.
Heaven had mercy finally.

where once anxiety bites
now numbness devours.
watching people take their fill
while i eat out of an empty bowl.
the price of sanity it seems
is the whole soul.

love's like oxygen,
fatal when pure.

Like mixing red with yellow
Staining her hands and feet.
Like mixing joy with sorrow
Covered knee deep.
Unsettling emotions
She feels alien to her skin.

roses are red
violets are blue
if you were a colour
you'd be my favourite hue.

run, run, run, but nowhere to go
cos in the end, only in circles and in circles.
they all find a way to catch me back.

because what goes around, around, around,
surely must come back around

snugly back to their grip
no spaces between their hands to breathe

suffocating slowly

You should write poetry
he told me.
And now when I bleed
I bleed only in poetry
Now when I cry
I cry internally
My pen,
The external vein,
The ink,
The endless dripping
dark that is in me,
Now all of my problems
Smoothens out
like the pages in my book
smoothens out
like the cold sleek demeanor I put on
no more tears to shed
Everything is beautiful
In poetry

Hooked on
to the drugs
My doctor gives me
He tells me not to skip a day

But i feel it's the meds
That's making me feel this way.

He says its my only hope
But i can't feel my heart no more
He says i got to take em twice
Before and after meals
If only i got hungry like i did before

My doctor is a very nice man
But i don't believe in his plan
he says regular walking will
Stop the talking.
but the voices follow me till bed.

my doctor says he understands
by his voice i think
he's the only one who can
So i take his pills and advice.
But I wonder does he
really know whats it like
To be undoubtedly desensitised.

pull at my heart
by the strings.
knock at the door
and i shall build a wall.
but
softly come whispering
and so easily
i come undone.

ess eye ell ell why
i feel sil-ly
really really silly.
ess eye ell ell why.

i like it
when you wear
nothing but
that necklace
made of amethyst.

My therapist likes to call it a condition
My priest calls it a curse
One tells me to take notes
The other, to gather flowers
To skip a session is unfortunate
while skipping mantras, a bad omen.
A traumatic childhood, the precusor
The stars suggest another version
A shift in neurological chemical patterns
The meeting of sun and venus, a bad combination.
Its the establishment of bad belief systems she convinces
And he swears age old wisdom is the best medicine.

escapism in the palm of your hands.
wont you join me
enter into the world of ones and zeros
soon we'll be dancing in the midst of darkness.

Summertime rolls around
Yet I am in my bed
Surfing dreams
Where I can feel my existence
Without consequences
Just imaginations.
Imagine not having to imagine
To just live.

Reverse gear.
It's noisy up in here.
Further to go.
But to where?
How much longer does it take
To lose my mind eventually.

When eyes grew out of my skin.
Every pore saw what you did.

And then they are still there.
Looking out for another one.

Every hair is sticking out.
To know the change in the air.

As I stand fully aware.
But my mind's nowhere near.

Tucked inside a shell.
So that I can't tell.

When you tear me apart.
You won't touch my heart.

It's swimming somewhere safe.
While you take your share.

Of what you can rip off.
My body is just flesh and blood.

And my eyes they all cry.
When you're done.

But I survived.

If day and night
Are only separated by light
Then you and i
Are only seperated by fate.

Pain,
Constant pain.
Oh can you feel the rain,
As it falls from the sky.
Let it wash away my sins and sanity.
For awhile i just wish to be lonely,
In my own world.
Lost in a precious trance like sleep.
The weight i carry on my shoulders is heavy,
Too many unanswered questions
My thirst for knowledge is replaced by the fear of knowing.

Different voices
Speaking at once
Who am I
Too many opinions
An entire society.

Wildflower
Stubborn roots.
Brought forth into a nest of thorns
Unashamed bloom.
Shining with vivid colours
Oblivious of doom.

To quick to make a jump
Every breath feels like the last.
Screaming its way to my chest.
Beating against my heart.
A damsel in distress

Resting on my mother's lap
I trace
The batik flowers
Swirling in a psychedelic haze.
Of rich greens and mellow reds.
Her voice humming the afternoon away,
The only place i feel safe.

touch my soul with poetry.
soothe me with words,
lace it with a rhythm
and sing it softly.

i used to have such vain thoughts
that begged to be penned
now all i have is vain feelings
that beg to be felt.

I have changed.
But I still look the same.
And I have the same name.
The same friends.
The same past.
The same judgement.
The same shame.

Did I ask to be alive.
And how do I end it.
I'm just a voice.
Without a body.
Or face to carry it.

Just thoughts seeping out
The same things that keeps possessing me.
Maybe I will just lay.
And drip my whole life away.

Never enough salt
Or never enough spice
One of them was always lacking
In her lacklustre life.
Too much sauce
Too much bhujiya,
It seemed
No one could understand her
Not even the bhaiya.

How letters should be arranged
To house a muse.
You better get used to the mess
And call it your nest.
I refuse to learn
How to shape a person
Before shading in their truth
you will fit into my desire
After all, beauty is in
the eyes of the beholder.
I refuse to greet reality
With expectations of a salutation back.
Im gone before you double check.

I'm out of rhythm
I'm tired of dancing.
Its hard to breathe.
And I got a marathon to run.
Every morning.
My legs are tired.
And I'm aching.
I wish I could let go of the heavy burden.
The load I'm carrying.
But somehow
The boulder talks back to me.
He says I need him to keep my gravity.
Because without him I will fly
So fast to the moon.
I will die from it.

Poom poom poom
Writing poems in my room.
Giving a voice to the voices in my head.
So I can fall asleep soon.
None of them are me.
At the same time.
All of them are me.

Still the same.
Still searching.
Still scrambling.
Still by the thread.
Hanging on with dread.
Still insecure.
Still anxious at the core.
Still horrible at poems.
Still unwilling to learn.

A part of me
Wants to fly.
A part of me
Is afraid of falling.

Don't look at the sun
It will burn your eyes
And melt your wings.
But im used to this things.
Melt me candle wings.
And let me fall on my knees.
I will keep flying towards the sun.
Until he burns me completely.

Let's go eat some air again,
Or sit under a lonely star,
Where the cold of the night
Numbs my nose,
Talking away the hours
You at one end of the bench
And me at the other.
But something in the distance
Is it something in the air
That the moment feels like electricity.
Just sitting with you there.

Focus
Even for a second
Feels hot on my skin.
i shy away and retreat.
It's called limelight for a reason.
glaring and sour.
Full of intensity.
Not meant for my sensitivity.
Hence in the shadows, i sway.
nobody eye's to prey.

Many many many.
Angels deserve to die.
For you to grow.
Step on the grass.
Step on the ants.
Step on people.
They deserve to die.

Nowhere to go
Nothing to do
Nobody to be.

Sings to me.
Reads to me.
Plays with me.
Sets me free.
Cares for me.
So let me be.
In my fantasy.