What changed?
          is it optimism
          or a new bed of lies

          forgiven scars
          or prophecies


What's choices without emotions
Why is that wrong
-tdf

let me remind you of how i was alone
lonely but yet i had been doing fine
before you sauntered into my life
and asked me for my name

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your smirk
that i wouldn't fall for your pride

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your conceit
that i wouldn't fall for the way you took everything for granted

i told myself no way
i told myself to stay away
and as time passed i realized
perhaps you weren't as horrible as i thought you were
i thought you were maybe even fine

still i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your smile
that i wouldn't fall for your laugh

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for the way you flicked my tears away
that i wouldn't fall for the way you tossed pebbles at my window

but i'd started being more unsure
i wasn't sure if i was right about you in fact
i thought that i was definitely wrong
so i started to fall

i started to fall for you
i fell for the trademark smirk you liked to give me
i fell for the way you are so confident about everything

i started to fall for you
i fell for the way you whispered nonsense in my ear
i fell for the way you held my hand as if you'd never let go

i started to fall for you
i fell for the way you had to have coffee in the mornings
i fell for the way you gave unexpected hugs

i completely fell for you
i fell for the way you pressed me to you as i cried
i fell for the way you ruffled my hair and flicked my forehead

but then as before time flickered by
you started to smile less or, at least not at me
you started to turn away when i waved
and i felt more alone than i had ever felt even before i met you

still i stayed in love with you
i stayed in love with your haunting lies
i stayed in love with your empty promises

but i knew that it was going to end
i knew that it wouldn't be long now
so i kept the curtains open waiting for your pebbles
i waited for the clattering of gravel on glass that never happened again

i remember the day you held my hand
your fingers felt cold and your arms were shaking
i felt as though i would crumble but i had to keep us both standing
your eyes lifted up to meet mine but i had looked away

your smile was wavering and your voice too soft
you ran your fingers down my arms and i pushed them away
i knew you had decided i wasn't the one and my heart was breaking
but i'm not about to beg because i thought i was too strong for that

i was naive
i was closing up on the world and everything else
i was closing up on myself
and i was closing up on you

your lips formed the words "i'm sorry" but i don't think i heard
you tried to hug me better but i stepped away
i suppose i was a total wreck but i was so afraid
i was afraid of how much i'd come to rely on you
i was afraid because i could no longer stand the loneliness from before

so i told myself i would get over you
that i would get over the way you dragged my name on your tongue
that i would get over the way you made me tea every day

i told myself i would get over you
that i would get over the rapidly draining fullness in my chest
that i would get over every thought of happy ever afters

so i turned around and took your hand (i think i even shook it)
i tried my best to smile but you probably didn't believe it was sincere
i thanked you
for every flower you ever put in my hair
for every tear you ever brushed away
for every kiss you ever gave me
for every time you tried so hard to make me feel not alone
for every comforting word you ever whispered to me
for every pebble you ever tossed at my window

i thanked you for giving me the best time of my life
i told you that i understand how all good things come to an end
i hoped so desperately that you wouldn't see through me
we both had tears in our eyes when we stepped towards the door and
as i returned you your sweater and closed the door

i knew, just as you knew, that we'll never see each other again

- - -

Destiny,Fate?
and how hard is it?
it winds wield pity ,
with a jungle of concrete built
why havent i found
what ive been looking for?

In big and narrow spaces
in hugs and embraces
of my own and of strangers
why am i not bound
for what im hoping for?

And i see empathy on the mask
of the faces so dark
in coherence of my non-belonging self
and with might or pelf
of my won so called pride,
my emotions divide to see
and tell me
tenderly
what is it again that im looking for?

The whiskey in your pores is drowning me, and when I come up for air the tobacco in your breath chokes.
When you lay me down, naked in front of your colleagues and peers, I’m not a man but an object.
Plastic. You look at me like a vessel.
A cheap locket you bought at a convenience store,
you crack me open at the seam to place pictures of other people.
A collage of this man’s sensitive touch,
This one’s sensual sway of the hips,
Snips, snails and puppy dog tails.
"You inspired me," are the words found in the shapes of your smoke,
But they smell of your claws digging into me in hopes you’ll find what you’ve been searching for.
I didn’t inspire you, because I am nonexistent to you, though my body isn’t.

Who am I?