Underwater we have lived for years,
Where purple, blue, and yellow coral grows,
The wondrous colors erase all our fears,
And we drift on wherever the wind blows.
Dance with jellyfish and let go of our souls,
Swim with sharks and dwell on reckless love,
Always craving to lose all control,
And never look back to the world above.
Doze on sand while snails tickle our feet,
We lose our minds in tangles of seaweed,
Forget the future when lips touch so sweet,
So sure and confident that we will never bleed.
But we have human lungs not gills instead,
And then we notice everyone is dead.

its 7 am and you're snoring,
the blinds rustling behind our heads
and the pillows fell off the sheet less bed
your arms encasing me effortlessly
dreaming about beautiful things I'm sure
last night forgotten for the moment,
you still like me while you're snoring
with arms around my stomach
you still think I'm what you want

you're not good enough.
yet again.
never have been.
never will be.

I saw our tree in the park today
Remember the one
We carved our initials into?
It must have followed me here
Taken a train or a bus
Its branches bending, cracking, snapping
Trying to squeeze into its seat,
Travelled all the way from our park
With those lilac bushes and
Saturday morning picnics.
It must have known
That I would
Miss you.

so maybe i like boys
and maybe i like girls,
or maybe we all just like people.
maybe we're all just people falling in love with other people,
looking for someone to hold hands with
to fall asleep next to
to smile about.
maybe its not about boys liking boys,
girls liking girls,
or girls and boys liking each other.
maybe its about letting people be happy,
because love doesn't chose sides.
it just is.

your beauty
is strangled
by the destruction you create.
the elegance of your figure,
the grace of your words,
massacred
by the horrors you instill.
everything you are,
everything you will ever be
is reckless
wild
and deadly.

We sat on that ledge passing cigarettes between us
breath thick with cold as white as our smoke,
we spoke into the 3am darkness about football
and how I've never seen a sunrise,
about things that i can't remember except that
they pulled giggles deep from my throat
mixing with our smoke and our breath
you told me that you think of me all the time
and don't know why, my lips craving
to tell you all i should've told you,
instead i made you give me that cigarette burn
because you had one and i wanted
our skin to sizzle simultaneously,
pain strung together by my giggles and
our smoke and our breath
thick with jealousy and lies and
always thinking about you.

i fell off
the face
of the planet
with lies
and one liners
mixed emotions
scars
slices
scratches
lines
lust
so loveless
echoing disasters down the
cavernous core
of my
blackened heart
jumping
off the edge
like reckless abandon
singing sickly
sweet notes
like
the fourth of july.

I swear the words took a million years to come out
And reach my ears,
And then a million more for my brain to unscramble them.

Years of
Utter emptiness
Searing pain
Agonizing heartbreak.

Years spent
Punching walls
Sobbing
Screaming.

Highs and lows trading places
Like they couldn't get enough of my
Self hatred
Self destruction
Self annihilation.

Years spent living on extremes,
Over confident, over achieving
Too tired, too alone
Unbelievably alive, unbelievably in love
So reckless, so dangerous.

All of it
Concluding
Culminating
Climaxing
In four words

"Manic.
Depressive.
Borderline.
Bipolar."

Let me
Take back
Every word
Every touch
Every look
Since I've
Known you
So I can
Just pretend
We never
Met and
Never fell
In love
So I can
Forget
What losing
You
Feels like.

I remember the promises we made
On the cold streets of Chicago at 2 am.
I can still see your breath,
When "I'll love you forever"
Couldn't have felt any better.
I remember throwing around a football
Acting like every day was the fourth of July,
Feeling like we were already a family.
I remember hours spent in ecstasy,
Grasping your hand in pleasure.
I remember laughing like I would never get enough,
Happiness becoming second nature.
I remember each day of those three years with you.

But is it possible to fall out of a love
So deep and suffocating?
Because I've been breaking those Chicago promises,
And pretending that I miss you.
I've been losing my mind,
And crashing towards insanity,
Thinking of the things I've done
To **** our forever love.

how do you chose?
a heart cannot be torn in two
but i swear mines split, mangled
right down the beating, blood-filled center
this irreversible love,
my karmic downfall,
my self destruction incarnate.
two loves
and three hearts
I've broken.
who do i chose?

I am in love with you in the way that
you are my insomnia at 4 in the morning,
the one keeping me awake because my
body doesn't remember how to fall asleep without
yours quietly curled around it,
and my brain doesn't understand
why I irrevocably hate you,
or how I can hate and love one person
so much it makes my stomach hurt,
every moment I'm not with you I think
that the distance might **** me
because the sleepless nights and empty beds
breeding incomprehensible hatred
are just because I am
so
*******
in love with you.

I'm sorry my words get jumbled
flailing off of my tongue as if
I've just learned to speak.
they're all so calculatedly stoic,
yet so simultaneously messy
with the secrets
that slip out of my lips.
and I'm sorry that when i say
the things I'm meant to say,
they aren't the words
you want to hear.

Now its my turn
To **** up
The feelings I have for you.
Now its my turn
To pretend looking at you
Isn't nearly impossible.
Now its my turn
To tell you that
All I care about
Is you being happy.
Now its my turn to lie.

we don't hug goodnight anymore
we don't talk about the real stuff anymore
we don't laugh as much anymore
we don't touch as much anymore
we don't look at each other anymore
we don't depend on each other anymore
we don't act the same anymore.

and thats okay,
but i miss it.

write me a story that begins with
the light blue sheets that you lay your muscled body upon,
let it travel to the first thought in your head
and the taste of your spearmint toothpaste,
let it tell me about your blueberry pancakes or sugary cereal
and the breeze off of the lake that tickles your shaggy blonde hair,
let it show me the worry lines in your forehead
and the troubles with your father,
let it tell me of the girl that made you laugh
with her freckled nose that reminded you of me,
let it tell me of your struggles and your pleasures and your pain,
let it tell me about the sun that burns your skin
the world that you see through your blue green eyes
the liquor that kisses your lips,
let it tell me of your heart and your mind and all of the everything
that exists in your being
write me this story so that i may be jealous of your sheets and your father     and the sun and blueberry pancakes,
for they are graced with the wildness of your presence
in the story of your life

it smells like rain
out tonight
and i've never loved
the stars this much

i wish that i still loved you,
that i had made a mistake
and only just realized
that it made me jealous
to see those pictures of other girls
that your smile
made me want you again
made me remember
how perfect we were.
i want to be in love with you,
you're the only one
that knows about
how i like to be kissed on the shoulder
how i can't ever sleep till its morning
how i lose track of things.
you're the only one that knows
how the fall weather scares me
and its getting cold out again
and i really
really wish
that i still loved you.

"don't miss me too much"
you tell me and i laugh
claiming "psshhh don't worry"
when i want to tell you
how could i not
miss those dimples
that voice
your every
single
movement.
how could i not
worry about us
wait to hear
wonder
about
everything.
how could i not miss you
when you look at me
like that and
whisper in my ear
and kiss me so softly.
how could i not
begin to
fall for
you?

its how you make fun of everything i do
and how you always leave your clothes behind,
the way you tickle me uncontrollably
and occasionally give me wedgies,
its how you want to be a chef and be a politician and travel the world,
how you always go cross eyed in pictures
and think you're the greatest thing thats ever happened,
how you get unbelievably jealous
and always put me in my place,
its how you've grown to trust me
or at least pretend to to make me happy,
how you dance like an idiot
singing lady gaga and katy perry
and the way you smash me to make me giggle,
its your huge dumb dimples
and your confidence and your humor and your anger,
its the way you look at me until i say what, then never give an answer,
how you call me kellzzz to make fun of me
and never let me win,
its how you hold me all night
and how you snore so ******* loudly,
the way you slap my cheeks and grab my face to kiss me,
the way you call me beautiful even in the messy morning,
its how you're almost as competitive as me
and how you're so freaking smart,
how you taught me about geography and never let me forget it,
its how you love classic movies
and look kind of like jaime lannister,
the way you pick me up till i scream
and always, always make me laugh,
its how you drunkenly told me the words
we both promised we would never say
and how every moment I'm with you
you make me want to say them too

I've never been so out of my mind
craving, twisting, clawing my way up
it feels like theres no air left in my lungs
screaming for some oxygen
they're numbing slowly so painfully
searing the edges of my sanity
elevating and escalating endlessly through
the emptiness of us

your hair feels so good running through my fingers
and her body's so perfect as its dancing on my body
like we're made to fit perfectly together
sweating and happy and in love with everything
lights in my eyes i can't see you but
**** i can feel you up on my body with my fingers
running through your blonde hair and sweat dripping
down my back and your lips on my neck
hands stroking the length of my body feels like
heaven and i'll never have enough of us and this
and the music so alive the rooms spinning
and your hair feels so freaking good
kiss me like explosions I'm on fire
and the world has never felt
so beautiful