You know I was 14 when I joined this site. I am now about to be 20, I am expecting a child and life has been crazy. I couldn't ask for a better group of people as my support system. I love this site and talk about it to this day. You all are wonderful people and I hope you are ever changing but keep your poet heart. Thank you for your words and letting me look into your privet lives. You all are amazing. Never stop writing.

At last i am alone
i can make this pain leave
the emotional level
I can make you wish
i was never
born
i can watch my blood
pour from my
legs, arms, stomach
and face
you are forced
to face the fact
i no longer belong to you
At last i am alone
to die in peace
and silence...

We sit with our
fake faces,
fake smiles,
reaviling nothing
about our hearts
we smile and laugh
at the kids with the scars
all the while making sure
ours are covered
we lean on eachother
knowing the other would never tell
our tears mix with our blood
making a dangerous drink
we down it with one shot
we don't even think

Death is such a crazy thing
3 uncles so far
the kiss of death
comes unexpected,
Alone and crying
in my room with bottle in hand

Death always takes the family
but never me
no matter how much
I scream and sob
I'm always ignored

Banging my fists on the wall
sloshing my whiskey
Tear streaked cheeks
Alone with my fears

Slashing my wrists, watching
My blood drip
and silently pray
"Maybe God will take me next."

This burning inside my chest
is to much for me to take
I can feel my heart beating
hagard
My lungs weeze
From trying to breath
through the pain
my ribs crack
under the pressure
from holding in the sobs
My throat twiches
from the effort to
hold in the words
My heart is braking from the
Absense from you

I wonder if this is what happy feels like
i have never felt this way
so light and fluffy
the butterflys you give me
the sweet things you say
i wonder if this is what all the girls
strive for
is this what all the sappy stories are about?
i dont know what it is
but i dont ever want it to end....
I love you

Fading so scared of
her future
and the lonliness she
suddenly realizes
it may hold

She is going to look back
and wonder how long
they were really pretending
and if maybe
just maybe
they still are

I thought he was the one.
He came into my life
I didn't even see it coming
Ugh
Typical story I know

He pretended to be strong
Convinced me I could lean on him
He said he was exactly what I needed...

He lied.

I've been twisted into something
I don't recognize myself
He has raked through me
His voice will forever be in my head

He is beautiful
His soul is truly breath taking
But he only pretends
He doesn't genuinely care.

Maybe he isn't capable of it
He only cares for himself
And that beat of course.
Oh but how he tries

Tries to pool the wool over your eyes
I think he wants to love
I just don't think he knows how.

Take my warning girl
He can't show you he cares.
He doesn't understand
You'll always try to tell him
It will never go well

Don't fall for him.
It will hurt.

I'm the end all he will be able to say is

"I don't know."

My hope is different
than yours
my hope is to have food on the table
yours to have that new purse
my hope is to
have somewhere to sleep tonight
yours is to have silk sheets
my hope is to feed my kids
yours is to have that boyfriend
My hope is to
have a job tomorrow
Yours is to have work called off
My hope is to be alive tomorrow
Yours is to make sure im not.

Is it bad
that i know he is using me?
I know he just wants my body
i can tell because thats all he talks about

Is it bad that i feel like
i deserve to be used and thrown away?

Its hurts so bad
but thats okay
because when it hurts
and its uncomfortable
it reminds me
that what i doing,
who i am
disgusts me.

I want a life
without this pain
I want a day
without this worry
I want someone to tell me
Its alright
Your aloud to mess up
I want my Daddy
to believe in me again
I want my mommy
to talk to me again
I want this self hatred
to leave me
I want to live
I want YOU...

Im all tangled in this mess
with you gone I bleed even more
you think you are ashamed of me?
you have no idea of
this doubt rolling inside of me
those verbal blows
you delivered has me
weeping
this hatred fills me
sweeping me away
even if you hate me
and are ashamed of me
that is okay because
that means you have not
forgotten me
for I am:
KAYLA

such little kisses
you planted
all over my face
making me giggle and smile

tickleing my sides
and making me bust out in laughter
nothing could have been better
then the aftermath
of our love

I sit and i watch
the homemade movie
play out in my mind
i see a woman with love and care
in her eyes
and tenderness in her hands
as she holds the baby me
in her arms
i see that woman transform
the dark shadows under her eyes appear
her eyes, nails and teeth yellow
her eyes become dull and lifeless
I see me growing slowly
watching my mother fall apart
as i move from in her arms
to beside her
to all the way away from her
what replaces me in her arms you ask?
A needle
a vial
of a nasty drug
that snatches my mother away from me
so why after i watch my mother **** herself slowly
do i still pick up that joint
and smoke that bowl
or drink that bottle?
because im weak and
Im always looking over my shoulder to see
if she is watching,
if she is seeing me end up just like her
but all i see
is her slowly wasting away to nothing
untill i see myself end up in that same seat
with my daughter looking back at me.

Mommy help!
Mommy I need you!
where are you?
why is it so dark
why is it so cold?
whats this wet stuff?
its smells like blood!
Mommy dont you love me?
you said you did.
I think this is my blood
(im fading)
Mommy im sleepy
promies you will come back
Mommy im scared
(im gone)

Feel the guitar
Pulse through your body
The rhythm that makes
You tap your feet
The       S
                M
                    O
                         O
                              T
                                 H
Sound of the bass is the back
Making you close your eyes and sway
The calm that music makes us feel
When we can count on nothing
But the nice slow thump
of the drums

I love this searing pain
that boars through my veins
along with this pain
comes the magical realese
of blood
nothing can cure my
loneliness, numbness and hatred
like this razor can
all i have to do is push and slice
and everything fades away
the blood pools under me
I smile at that feeling
of nothing but pain
kiss me goodbye for
this is it
im fading into
nothingness
where my words go
where my obvious screams for help
are lost
in the abyss of darkness
you caused

Sitting, staring at the wall
days go by,
minutes fly
but still this memory
plays over and over in my head
making my heart beat faster
and my throat close up
My hands start to sweat
and my eyes flutter closed
my breathing picks up
and i scream

Scream from the pain
scream to forget
I pull at my hair and
punch the wall
Until i just stop

So tired from the effort and the tears
I slowly lay my head
on the pillow and
fall into a fitful sleep

How come all the websites say that people cut themselfs because they are angry or its the only thing they can control in life? Because some people do it because they need to be punished. They need to feel the blade because they know they are dirt and their mistakes are to big to forgive.

So tell me do you still think of me as much as i think of you?
Do you still hear my voice in your dreams
And my touch on your skin

Do you understand the anguish the my heart feels
When i can no longer remember the way your eyes shined
When you would smile

I dont even think you remember what it is like to smile
Do you even know what it is like to breathe?
Or walk down the street and not panic

Tell me how bad does it hurt when you no longer know how to think
Do you feel like you're sinking in quick sand
clawing at nothing and falling deeper?
Because thats how I feel when you look at me.

You make me feel
so small
so uniportant
with the words you yell at me
always swirling inside my head
telling me how much
i do not deserve
to be alive
to live this life of love
You make me feel so weak
so powerless
but i always run back to you
because of one thing
I LOVE YOU....

The coffee to help me stay awake
afraid to sleep for the terrors that haunt my dreams
Can't force myself to eat
I will just throw it up again
I can't escape this hell
swirling in my veins
making my head spin
running from everything
punishing myself for every mistake
knowing that i am dirt
and will never be anything more
the shakes from the cold are the
only thing that can comfort me
shaking from the pain
and taking pleasure
in the discomfort

I wonder if she knows
how beautiful she really is
hiding behind all her clothes
shaming herself for who she is
if only she would listen when i
wisper in her ear
"You are so beautiful"

This smile
is fake
This smile
is forced
This smile
it hurts
This smile
is for you
do you like it?
its not really me
but for you
i put it on
for you i make up
the lies
for you
i dig deeper,
and deeper
i bleed all of you out
all the while
smiling
This smile
drenched in the red
of my blood
just to make you happy
just to see you smile
a real smile
I will smile
This smile
even though it hurts
so bad

Sometimes when i feel so weak
and i just think
"One more drink"
I look up into the mirror right when i take a swollow
and i see my mama
I see her crying for me and my lost soul
but what can i do?
Stopping isnt an option
It hurts to much to be sober
I just want that amber liquid
Running down my throat
The slow burn of all my
Worries melting away
Untill there is nothing left
The bottle empty and my heart cold
I pass out in my bed
With my pills by my side
Waiting to acompany my screaming headache
In the morning
But at least a hangover
Is the only problem i have to face
When im drunk.

"*****!" is what he screams
"Worthless!" Is what my mind tells me

Alone at last
yes we were
you kept kissing me and kissing me....
what was i supposed to do?
its not like i didnt like you
I was just so scared
and as your fingers made me bleed
i understood
that there was not greater
feeling then being alone
with you

How many times does is take
How many bruises must I make
How many smiles must I fake

You tell me, how bad does it hurt
Did you fall hard
Did you break your heart
You broke mine

Thats not fair to say
You didn't mean to
You didn't know
How bad it would hurt when I fell
Into the pit of feelings

This must not make any sense to you
but thats not the point
Dig deeper
Breathe harder

Its too much these days
With the air suffocating me
The weight pressing down
I can hear my ribs crack

But i feel nothing remember
Not a thing
Im not real
Im nothing
But nothing isn't such a bad thing to be

Im evil.
I worm my way into the heart
Trying to feel something
Something at all
But i feel nothing remember
Not a thing

I scratch at the membrane thats holding your sanity together
Tearing away a little at a time
Making my way
Into your mind
Into your soul
But i feel nothing remember
Not a thing

So pay me no mind
Drop me like im nothing
Weightless
Really its okay
I understand
I would do the same
Infact i already have

I feel nothing remember
Not a thing
Besides that awful snapping
Of my heart.
Of my soul.

I've already dropped myself
Just like you knew i would
You called it.

its bad enough you hurt me father, but to hurt my little sister? Now for that you going to pay for. Consider youself lucky you are sitting in that jail cell for being the sick bastrard you are. Funny how she is the same age i was but see i waited to tell. You told me it was normal and now that she has called you out for "licking her" you say nothing ever happened yet you dont want to take a pollygraph... that makes you guilty. I laugh when you suffer for i have suffered for so long. I have been silent and waiting for my moment but you have now put me over the edge. I will **** you like you have killed me and i will leave nothing but an empty shell. Enjoy that cell that you rot in because soon i will have you in my hands and trust me it wont "keep your fingers warm".