that bottle has an infectious effect.
from your hand, to your heart, to your ****.
why go for the girl you truly care about
when you could just take your pick?

why resort to actual intimacy
when you could just fake it?
why keep my heart perfectly in tact
when you could so easily break it?

my insides are twisted & shriveled to dust
but thats something i would never show.
i'll only cry if you will.
but if you did i would never know.

you think not, you care not, you love not.
and you see not what goes on in a heart.
your sickening desires leave you oblivious
and us greatly torn apart.

many nights,
it takes every molecule in my body
to not scream myself to sleep.

You see,
i have nightmares about the future.
i'm afraid upon awakening one morning,
i’ll discover i'm some grotesque & fat
pizza fried chicken bread bowl American
as massive layers of fat
fold around my body making it almost impossible to breathe
and lost all interest in everything
except cheap fast food & money to spend on the various brethren of the dollar menu.

I'm afraid that on the one night i sleep
with my back to the bedroom door
is the night a group of burglers,
possibly in union with supernatural shadows
from the darkest corner of my room
team up to beat me to death
like Jack Nicholson's character from Easy Rider.

I’m afraid the nightmares about my teeth falling out
will actually happen,
causing me to never find a job
to pay off all the debts i owe.  

Some nightmares are more fantastical;
like the one where i'm leading human civilization
in an Alamo last stand against a hostile alien race
only to find myself fighting alone
as the rest of the surviving nations argue
over who gets most of the credit.

My nightmares make me afraid
to step on the floor until morning—
for my anxiety tells me during this darkness
the floor is spewing with cockroaches and spiders.

As I type this,
i realize this is only delaying the inevitable
until my eyes can no longer function,
until my body forces my brain into a state of drowsiness—
then i can begin my nightmare lullabies
that always begin with an internal scream.

There are lights all around,
And yet darkness still prevails.
This artificial sun,
Cannot over power nature.
The ecstasy of that hot star,
Against my freezing skin,
I am nothing without this.
Sun, Fire, Moon,
Water, Earth, Air,
I cannot live without them,
They can **** me without care.
I want, I need, consuming.
Material things are an illusion,
Distracting us from the truth.
We do not know what is real,
Because we do not know what isn’t.
This world captures my interest,
But I cannot stay here long.

you realize
you are alone

snow falls in the sun
water runs backwards
and not all that is love is true

the moon’s dance on the mountain
is as beautiful as we have seen
but as such
we don’t believe

the biggest brown, green and blue eyes
still dance with whoever is next

the softest touch
how we wait for the touch
is still just touch

this whiskey dance
this drunken salvation
certainly

You realize
You are alone

i embrace the darkness within me
and find there is light enough to bear
no longer need to run in fear
or pretend i do not hear
the call, for it is strong,
and will commence the
silent scream within my
brain when i stubbornly
turn a deaf ear to its song

i'll find it oozes through
the pores of my skin
attacks my kith and kin
it only wants to be loved, too

i find a full on frontal address
relieves it best, no mere
handshake will do. darkness
wants to feel the love, too

SO:

darkness, my old friend
what will you share with
me today?  what juicy
news to me impart
what breaking waves
upon my heart?

sit a while, have some tea
i know you have something
good for me.  i know you were here
just last week, but i can't get
enough of your sweet embrace

so crack me open, spill me out
leave me breathless on the floor
in the morning, you'll leave my side
and me? i will have enjoyed the ride

my thoughts impressed by all you share
and i, the better for your care
morning light upon me breaks
you always leave me, but ever return
bearing gifts, so thoughtfully prepared

you always leave me,
awakened, and aware


--bruised orange