I bite my tongue
Trying my best to ignore
How empty my soul grew
The day you walked out
And how I've spent
Countless days
Weeks
Years
Attempting to live
Without your breath
Intertwined with mine
And I hate to tell you
But I'm doing an awful job
Of moving on
I can still feel your eyes
Burning through my
Rarely exposed skin
Can still trace
The outline of your hand
Tangled up with mine

An unhealthy obsession
With your ****** coated heart
******* pupils
THC blood
It seemed you were addicted
To everything but me

And I swore I could save you
I could change you
Together we could
Heal each other
And truth be told
I don't think you wanted me
To reach out to you
And truth be told
I'm still waiting
For you to turn around
And rescue me

Years later
I'm stagnant
Praying for you to finally
Wake up and realize
I am here
I always have been
And I always will be
Here.

They say true love never dies
I need you to prove them right.

I met her in December
Which at the time
Felt so typical
She was always so upset
Over nothing at all
And I just wanted to heal her soul
With my bleeding hands

She hurt to touch
Scars littered her wrists
Her thighs
Her heart.

She hurt to see
Even when she smiled
I could still sense
A deep melancholy  
Within her

If I could imagine up a way
To personify
Depression
My character
Wouldn't have been half
As tragic
As Emily Mae

And I stared at her
Staring into the mirror
Pinching her sides
Pretending that the
Elasticity of her skin
Somehow represented ugliness

Stop that you're stunning
I would whisper to her
Do you think so?

Do you want to know what I think?
I became stern
I think that it is so horrifying
To live in a society
Where if we see bones
On our pets
We automatically
Think they are being abused
Or starving to death
But if we see bones
On ourselves
We consider it

*Beauty.

Sometimes I sit and I wonder
What falling in love feels like
The slow process of
Flirtation and adoration
Cute notes to even cuter girls
Phone numbers
Written in ball point pen
In hands trying so hard
Not to sweat
The stuttering that occurs
Every time your heart
Beats too fast
The first time a butterfly
***** it's wing
Inside your stomach
And your cheeks flush red
And at first
You really can't tell
If your falling in love
Or dying
Because they feel so
**** similar
At first
You're not too sure
Why your icy veins melt
When she says your name
At first
Your hands are always
Clammy and your skin
Turns raw
At the very
Idea of her


I've never
Felt that way
About anyone.
It is so strange
How people fall
So slow.
When I meet someone
I either instantly
Want them gone
Or
I become
Utterly, irrationally, obsessed with their
Entire being
I want to know
Every inch of them
All at once
I ask question upon question
Gnawing at their minds
Until they grow
Completely sick
Of me.

Oh how lovely,
It must be,
To fall in love slowly.
A virtue I will never
Know.

If you
Ever get angry
For no reason at all
I will hold you
Tight
Until
The rage subsides

And if you
Feel sad sometimes
I promise
To bake your favorite
Chocolate chip cookies
From scratch
And I will even
Let you
Lick the spoon

And if you
Work 'til your bones
Creak with age
I will kiss your wounds
Inch by inch
Until you feel
Whole again





And if you
Tell me you
Really love me
And your words
Sound
Genuine enough

Well,
I just might
Spend the rest
Of our lives
Trying to understand

Why.

I was pretty young
When I took my first sip
I was well aware of the danger
But that didn't matter much
It's hard to fear death
When you secretly
Pray for it

So I drank a fifth
Of some street corner bottle
I was so ******* cliche
With the paper bag and everything
I guess some would say
It was a cry for help
But I didn't want help
I didn't want
Anything

I didn't want to be a functional
Part of society
I didn't want to help the wealthy
Stay wealthy
And the poor
Stay poor
I didn't want to hinder
The growth of the human experience
I didn't want the media
To consume my soul

I didn't want any of it
Any part of it at all.

They say alcohol is addictive
But I don't think
It really is all that addictive
I think people are
Hooked on the possibility
That something could finally
Erase their past
From their memories
Addicted to the way
The cells might line up
And die off
Side by side until
The pain was obliterated

So, obviously
I drank.
I drank a lot back then
Because for just a minute
Or an hour
Or a night
I could forget everything
That ached in my chest
I could muffle the demons
For just a night…

That's what I was addicted to -
The idea of a fresh start.
I'd drink anything with the side effect
Of erasing the past.

It's not the alcohol.
They're addicted to the promise
Of a new life.
One brain cell at a time.

Expand your mind
With drugs, with knowledge
Learn more about the world
Than you ever dreamed you could
Learn five languages
Travel everywhere
See it all, every crevice of the universe
Be humble
Discover all
Approach each day
Through the eyes of a newborn
Understand that beauty
Is subjective
Understand that life
Is about connections
Understand that evil
Is a human creation
This is so important
Chase enlightenment,
Not Benjamins.
Chase the stars.
Be the best
At everything.
Be the person you so openly envy.
Be humble, my child.
And if nothing else,
Love everyone.
The most important lesson of all
Love everyone.
Love them unconditionally.
Forgive them.
All of them.

Life is about connections,
My child.

I was so broken
Back then
And the really interesting thing was
I thought I was hiding it
So well
But the truth of the matter
Rested in the fact that
My friends loved me too much
To point out
The cracks in my skin

They waited patiently
For me to heal
On my own
They sat in silence for years
Watching my insides
Rot out
But they never uttered a word

But, unknowingly
I assumed they simply
Did not care
About my mental health
Or my well being
I assumed
They didn't really know me
All that well
I figured
They never asked about
My broken soul
Because they didn't
Care enough
To see it


So tell me
Who put this noose
Around my throat?
Me?
For my silence
Fueled by shame

Or them?
For pretending not to see
How damaged I was?

Sure,
They saved me the embarrassment
Of pointing out my instability.

But I would have much rather
Had them save my life instead.