Just a little snippet of a book I've been writing here and there.. on and off..
Any feedback would be just lovely =]
((Sorry that it's not an 'actual' poem.. but it's by a poet so maybe that still counts?))
There's one memory that sticks out more than most… I'm not sure why, but it does. It's a simple memory really. Nothing out of the ordinary. I think the reason I've been hanging onto it for so long is because of the emotion in her voice. I don't think she lied often, or at all, actually… But this was realest I had ever heard her voice sound. I'm not sure if my description of it makes sense, and frankly I don't care. In fact, I don't think my specific emotions could ever be felt by any other human but me. I was the only one that could ever know how it felt to see her that way, because I was the only one that actually felt it. Anyway, it went a little something like this…
"Why are you so worried about me?" She folded her arms and turned her face away from me. She could be so dramatic sometimes.
"Look at you! You're a mess! I don't understand… I hate seeing you this way because this is not the woman I want to marry!" I screamed at her for the first time in my life. I will always regret that.
"You mean I'm not allowed to be upset? Ever? Our whole lives together you want me to be little miss sunshine?" I wasn't sure what she was trying to prove, but I knew she was furious. I should have spent that time making her smile. I should have spent that time buying her flowers. I should have done a lot of things that I never did because I never realized how short our life together really was. I always thought things like 'we could do that tomorrow' or 'I'll get that for her next year.' As if I was so sure the next year would arrive. How foolish could I have possibly been back then? I hate myself for snapping at her like that. She deserved to be treated like a queen and I was kicking down her like a peasant.
"Well no! Actually you're not! I love you Charlotte. I love you more than the breath in my lungs. Hell, you are the breath in my lungs! You know that! You're my everything and I'm not ashamed to say it! I don't care how stupid it sounds! I love you like an idiot! I will always, always, always love you! I don't care if you're upset, or angry, or lost all your hair, or half way across the world, my heart will always be in your chest. It kills me to see you this way, that's why you're not allowed to be upset. You may be frowning a little, but seeing you this way completely destroys me! It rips my heart out and I'm bleeding right in front of you. Don't you see that? So tell me, what can I do? What can I do to make this better?" I sounded so utterly desperate, like someone had tore me right out of a John Green novel. I didn't like being that vulnerable, but I knew she had to hear every word of my plea.
That was when she said a sentence I never wanted to see spill out of her mouth. "I need you to leave." She was stern, honest. Charlotte stared out the window with the saddest eyes in the universe. Giant pools of liquid mercury streaming down her cheeks. Her tears were poisonous.
I didn't even argue with her. I didn't try to win her over. I knew Charlotte. I knew that she was no damsel in distress - she simply didn't want to be saved. She didn't need to be rescued, not once. If she demanded that I leave, then I left. It was as simple and as complicated as that.
Before I left, I studied her face for a handful of seconds. I didn't know how long she wanted me gone, I didn't know if our forever together was ending right before me. I didn't want to forget her angelic presence. I wanted her to haunt my dreams. She probably thought I was crazy, staring at her like that, and I kind of was.. in a way. I was completely crazy about her. That expression had never made so much sense before. She made me utterly insane. I belonged in a mental hospital because of her, and I was okay with that. It was worth it. Man, it was always worth it.
When the door shut behind me, I didn't look back. I was too afraid to see that she hadn't chased after me. It was foolish to think that she'd do something like that, but sometimes I loved to pretend that we were in some wonderful romantic comedy. We'd kiss in the rain. We'd sleep under bridges. We'd steal food from the local market. We'd ride roller coasters together. We'd have friends over for brunch. We'd sip earl grey in front of the fire. That was how I imagined our life being lived. It never worked out that way, though. People never do the things you expect them to do. Just once, I wanted us to be a couple worth remembering. I wanted other couples to judge us in pure envy. I was a monster, back then, that fed on attention. I was ugly, but I knew what Charlotte needed.
And she needed me gone.
I don't even remember where I went that day. I don't remember if I was gone for minutes or weeks. I just know that every second without her was a millennium. Our relationship was never a healthy one. I never knew that it was possible to love someone too much, and then I met her. Charlotte made my heart sick. Every thought I had when we were apart was about her. I loved her more than I had ever loved myself, and that was extremely dangerous.
I suppose she took me back at some point, found me hanging out on the corner by my job. Told me to come out of the rain and back into her arms. She could always find me; it was almost eerie how quickly she could hunt me down. I swear all women had stronger intuition than I could ever begin to fathom. If a child was hurt, a woman would come in running with bandages before the child had even begun to cry. Before someone could mention they were cold, a woman would wrap a blanket around them. I often wondered if two X chromosomes gave people the ability to read minds, or hearts. The weird thing about women was they never realized how truly powerful they were. We knew, we always knew. They were goddesses.
The cracks in her voice still ring through my ears sometimes. It bothered me a lot because she had said something to me that I could never bring myself to say to her. How could she not want me around anymore? It simply didn't make sense to me. I couldn't logically put it together.
Now I laugh at the irony of it all. Back then she wanted me gone, but she was the one that ended up leaving first.
I still plant flowers next to her headstone. The saddest part about all of this nonsense between me and Charlotte is that I've gotten her more flowers after her death than I ever did when she was alive. That broke me up.
Anyone that claims to have no regrets has lived a very boring life indeed.
These were the things I thought about when I visited her. I am so lucky to have that memory of her. I am so glad that she made me leave, because I paused time for a moment. I actually stopped and focused a hundred percent of my attention on her. I committed her smile, her laugh, her voice, her face to my eternal memory. I burned those seconds into my brain. Now I knew for sure, that I would remember her forever. The way she existed when I loved her the most. I am so fortunate that Charlotte was so clever. I'm sure it's a bit of a stretch, but I was under the impression that Charlotte always knew exactly what she was doing.
It was a stretch, but I had to believe it. She has always found a way to outsmart me. That's why I loved her dearly. She was the only one that cared enough to challenge me.
Our time together was brief, I think in the end it only added up to three years or so. Sometimes I think that it was better that way. Maybe we would have been toxic together. Maybe we would have grown old and bitter. Maybe we would have gotten a divorce. I am so grateful that we never grew old enough to make those mistakes. When I think back on our time together I will always smile. We were happy, we were so ******* happy.
Maybe it is better to burn out than to fade away.
But I'll never really know…
© Sarah Lynn