Though the microscopic details of last night
Have effortless flooded out of my mind
And into her breath
I can still see all of the scenes
That I tried like hell to forget
But it's in her lungs
Like a piece of her
That she couldn't have possibly lived without
But will still soon let go
And forget
But it's there

Those words I mouthed as I realized
So swiftly
She doesn't know.

This girl that I met and instantly
Felt connected to
Like the frayed string of my favorite crimson sweater
Locked away in my closet
Finally stitched itself up
And it's Winter
And I still look half decent in red
So it's pressed against my skin once more

I sat there with the drugs between my teeth
Like I had something to prove
To myself
And the world
I'm still here you know, I'm still here
And even though I've pinky promised
And high-fived this girl
Like we grew up together
Eating the same dirt
She still doesn't know

She doesn't know all of the tragedy in my blood
And how I make Violet, Klaus, and Sunny jealous
Of my misfortune
A story so dark it would never win an award
But it happened
And it happened to me
And ripped me in half and activated my emptiness
Like depression is just a switch that only flips one way
A back plague that can only adhere itself to hope
And it's safe to say a dementor would starve
If I was left as it's only prey

So here we are,
And we're sharing a bowl laughing bitterly at memories
We wish we didn't have
Acting like we've moved on and built a bridge
Over the heart ache by simply laying down our jackets
On top of a puddle
But it wasn't that simple
I'm sitting in a pile of rubble and bricks with upside-down blueprints
In French
Slot A and B don't exist
And there is no simple way to forget the things
That once made us hole

I want a time machine so I can go back
And erase everything I ever ****** up
I want a time machine so I can flash forward
And see where the **** all of this is leading me to
I want a time machine
Because I'm sick of taking my life day by day
Scraping by, just praying to survive
Hoping someone will ride in on a white horse
With a suit of armor big enough for both of us
And a sword sharp enough to slice up my demons

I take my hit
And I stare at the girl I barely know
Wondering if her past can measure up to mine

She doesn't know.

She doesn't know how broken my heart was
On the day I learned it wasn't really shaped like that
She doesn't know that I was beautiful once
Before the scars took over my skin
She doesn't know

And maybe that's why we're friends.

I'm gonna start this day out right
I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life
And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop a heart from breaking
All the truth that you were shaking
And just how many lies
Does it take
For you to realize
I was never yours
In the first place

So stop pretending
Deflate that ego, boy
Our friendship is pending
Our whole lives are pending

But I'm gonna start this day out right
Because I'm fine, I'm just fine
And I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life

And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop my heart from beating
Can't stop my eyes from bleeding
And I can promise you this
I've never been better
I've never felt so fine
It really is for the better
I'm glad that you're not mine

Read it through again and tell me
*Do you still think I don't know how to lie?

They don't tell you that even sunlight
Can burn
After a while

They don't tell you that money
Isn't worth
The salt in your skin

They don't tell you
That words can ****
And looks can heal

They don't tell you that monsters
Are real
But so is magic

They don't tell you
Anything worth knowing

They don't tell you what to do
When your whole world
Comes crashing down
Torn apart at the seams
With no needle
No thread

They don't tell you
How to patch up your life

They don't tell you
That innocence can be stolen
And hearts can be purchased

They don't tell you
That the universe is just a phase.

They don't tell you that the moonlight
Is the only medicine
Worth taking.




                                                     ­                They don't.
                                                          ­           They don't tell you any of this.

                                                          ­           Because they don't know.

                                                          ­           No one told them,
                                                           ­                                                 Either.

You are a ******
For happiness

You don't believe me
Do you?

You think, nah,
I'm clean.
Sober, even.

Well, you're wrong.

When you were young,
You got a taste of it.
                                                          Happiness.
And it was pure.
It was innocent.
And it was the best
You've ever ******* felt
In your whole entire life.

It came in many forms.

Sledding with your older brother,
In the mountains of magic
Glittering snow
That you would only grow
To hate
Over the years
The back breaking, black ice
*******
You had to salt and shovel
Weeks on end
Enough to wage a war
With nature

But then, back then,
You were happy with snow.
Maybe even
In love with it.

You got a taste.


Your favorite ice cream bar
Every lick.
Insatiable. Delicious.
The perfect ending
To a gorgeous summer afternoon.
Of course,
As the months peeled away
You'd learn that
Ice cream makes you fat
And sugar is a disease
Before you know any better
You're counting calories
And carbs
And pounds
And inches
And everything becomes
A ******* number
Suddenly you focus so much
On your body
That you lose your soul

But then, back then,
It simply didn't matter.
You were only a kid.
With a sweet tooth.

You got a taste.


Your mother's arms
Warm, welcoming
You could tell her any secret
And she would fight off
Every demon
Chase the closet monsters away
And craft a dream catcher
For all those nightmares
Then the days crack apart
Your calendar flips over the decades
And the woman with the title
Mother
Is nothing more than a stranger
You can't even remember her age
Anymore
Torn apart by trivial fights
Over mall money
And curfews
Mother?
What mother?
You have no mother,
Only a **** with shared DNA.

But then, back then,
It was blissful
Her kisses were the only medicine
You needed

You got a taste.


And now,
You spend your whole life
Searching for the
Glitter in the snow
And the heaven
In the ice cream
And the warmth
In your mother's arms

But
Everything is dull now
But
It's all bad for you
But
Her arms are six feet under

Happiness.
You are a ******
You are addicted

And you will never get your fix

Because all you ever got
Was a taste

Just enough to keep you searching
                                                                   But never satisfied.

                                                     ­                                                       *  You got a taste.

You are far too young for me
So they say

But still, I admire from afar
And perhaps they don't understand
How the age of your mind
Is far beyond
Your years on this planet

They don't understand
How you're the only man
                                                             ­    (Or should I say boy?
                                                            ­      I think of you as a man...
                                                          ­        Maybe that is wrong

                                                          ­        Well, I'm usually wrong
                                                           ­       About these things

                                                         ­         So why change now?)

Anyway

You're the only man
I've been able to trust
Since he stashed me away
On his dusty shelf
With a cracked spine
And frayed ends

On the darkest nights,
When sleep cannot be found
For miles on end
I dream of your lips
Pressed into mine
Wildly
Forbidden
As I dig my cougar claws
Down your shoulder blades

I shake out my fantasy
Try my best to behave
Appropriately
Knowing that I will spend
The next few years
Waiting patiently

While you fall in love
With some fragile girl
That won the birthday lottery
For she gets to hold your hand
Without the judgmental looks
From disgruntled parents

And she doesn't even exist yet,
                                                            ­      (To you anyway)
But she will one day
And I will be ravenous with jealousy
Of her mocha skin
And her savage eyes
And her luminous smile

And then the time will pass
As it always does
Before I know what to make of it,
An inevitable invitation
To your wedding with the tigress
Will plop into my dead hands

And as you stand at the alter
Opposite of an angel
You will shoot me a glance
So abrupt,
I almost won't catch it.

But it will be there
Of course
And my eyes will meet with yours
Sincerely
With regret

And even though my bones
Will ache with desire
To object
I will abide by social standards
And stay seated
And stew for all eternity
Wondering what could have been
If only…

The two most powerful words
I will even know
If only...

Because you are far too young for me
So they say..

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With my footprints scattered
Across the sea

And suddenly I hate this world
For hating me

Such a strong word,
Hate
And I wonder

Does saying a strong word
A thousand times over
Make it any weaker?

Can I disarm a language?
Dissect the letters with my tongue?

How did I get this way?
I wonder
With weights on my lungs
And smoke in my flesh

The world is rotting away
Can't they see it?
Can't they?

I've got handprints on the stars
Cut up like thanksgiving turkeys

I'm not asking you to understand
I'm not asking you to listen at all
I'm just asking you
To open your eyes.

Question everything, please.
Even this statement.

Even me.
Even you.

We are floating along
In the middle of infinite time and space
And you want me
To justify my existence
Just like that?

Just like that?

What if I can't?
What then?

What now?


Truth be told,
Most days I feel like all that I'm really doing
Is just waiting to die.