I sit and stare at your pictures
And the more I study them
The more I realize
How much they look nothing like you
At all
In my mind, you are…
Stunning
Courageous, wonderful
In my mind, you are everything
But in these photos,
The ones that have permanently
Adhered to my fingertips
You look so
Broken,
Fragile
As though I could rip you in half.

*So I did.

I hold you close in my chest
Along with the others
The ghosts of my past
I assign you a chamber
That empty hollow room
One of the many
Locked away in veins,
Sealed up in blood
And all of those I miss you's
You sputtered
As I slammed you shut against my skull
Are now replaying themselves
Rattling inside my mind

I think, my dear,
That the next world war
Will most definitely start
With the spark you left inside my heart
But you are simply a memory now
Taunting me with the horrors of yesterday
Sticking your tongue out
And tracing it along my clavicle
Don't you see dear?
I'm referencing all of our favorite songs
Not that they'll ever understand,
But you can bet your shortened dollar
It's still replaying in my mind
And I'm holding your invisible hand
Wishing for just once more
That you were still next to me
In flesh and bone
Not just wind and dust

I carry you with me every day
But it's simply not enough
So I sip, smoke, inject
Praying for the same fate
That met your lips
The day you deflated in my arms
We will be together yet,
I can promise you that
I **** away all my pennies
Praying for fate to unscramble these words
And snap me right back next to you
Where I've belonged
All along

I remember the dawns we would count
Like we were the only kids awake
In this whole ******* town

I remember the dirt in your eyes
The way you'd swear I was the only one
That ever made you cry

I remember her cut up sleeve
Her bleeding wrist, as I turned away
Weeks before, vowing to never leave

I remember the skin on your hands
Every crevice, every wound
Rougher than that of most mans

I remember the dimmest stars
As we laid in the parking lot
And you promised they were ours

I remember the pills you flushed
As you whispered in my ear
I only take them if I must

I remember her rule breaking skirts
The way you'd confide in me and say
She's pretty enough to take away the hurt

I remember smoking to dull the pain
And trying to escape myself
As the thoughts of you invaded my brain

I remember growing up together
And how you held my hand that morning
Assuring me it would last forever

I remember the days ticking by
Patiently waiting for you to show up
And finally admit you were mine

I remember you testing to see
If she would love you more
So you could just go on and forget me

I remember… every day
The nights I wish I could forget
The ****** up things you'd say

I remember moving on to another
The hypocritical jealousy in your eyes
Just let me be happy for once, you *******

This one is for the mothers
For the sisters of yesterdays husbands
For the girls I'll never know

This one is for the stranger
In the grocery store
Slamming down the apples
Hoping they bruise as much
As he bruised her
Because we're all just
Rotten produce in the long run
Anyway

This one is for the CEO of Corporate America
That cheats at the office
And at life
That skips the basketball games
Of sons that weren't really his
In the first place
To work extra hours
Triple over time
Which is really just code for
Bonking the receptionist
On the table in the lobby area
And she'll think slyly
While he pulls her hair
Enjoy the ******,
*******

This one is for those sad eyes
I pass every day
Holding out a tin can
Jingling to the beat
Of copper plated plastic
Or whatever the ****
Our money is made from,
These days
Screaming for change
And I always saunter by
With a pocket full of pennies
Thinking
I wish I could give him
The kind of change
He really needs

This one is for the alcoholic
Better known as my brother
This is for the man that still tries
To drink away his heartache
With a case of Natty Ice
For the man who can't
Hang on to a dollar
More than a minute
Because he can't take the money
With him to heaven
Or to hell, probably hell,
And tomorrow was never really
Promised to us,
Was it?

This one is for the woman
Who spent thirty years
Behind a register
Pretending it wasn't really
All that her life
Had to offer
This is for the woman
With the thinnest skin
I've ever seen
The woman who let the world
Break her
On a daily basis
This one is for
My mother

This one is for that ****** up girl
Who is beginning to think
That love and hate
Are the same emotion
With different masks
For the girl who always wanted
A drug addiction
To blame her problems on
For the girl who never gave up
On anyone
But herself
This one, this is for the girl
That writes to no one
This is for the girl with no goals
No ambition
No dreams
This one is for the girl
With a broken heart
And a broken smile
Wondering what she did
To deserve this life

This one, this poem
Is the only one
I've ever written
For me

I'm writing this out in my diary
Which could be better known as your
Personal biography
Since every ******* line
Is about you anyway
My dear
And I'm dipping my pen
Into my veins
Harvesting blood for ink
The same way you ****** the life
Out of my lungs
And called it your own

I'm splattered across these pages
Just like your name
So impermanent, so unnecessary
Well, it's just like I never said,
You always were the best
Waste
Of my time
Always were the worst ******* thing
I put myself through
And you never needed me
The way I needed you to

The binding on this book is unraveling
Even my moleskin
Has had enough of you
I'm trying to rewrite the memories
Ripping out the pages
Just more kindling for the fire
In your throat
Stuff it down and pray to the heavens
For just once
You shut the **** up
And choke

I unfold the dog-eared pages
Wondering why I marked
Them in the first place
A common theme - Hatred
For all those times you
Stuck a ******* needle in your arm
Without realizing
You were poisoning me too
And I'm still wondering
If you ever once
Thought of me
When you shoved the plunger down
Or if I was just another ghost
You didn't want to think about

I snap shut my diary
Not wanting to read any more
Not wanting to relive
What little amount of pain
I've managed to forget
Not wanting to reinfect myself
With the thought of you
I toss the scribbled out book
Into our backyard fire
Burning up everything I ever felt
For you
Vowing to never again fall
For another liar

Call me Queen Midas
Because everything I touch
Turns to ****
Which explains a lot
I suppose

I hate this town
I hate my headaches
I hate my heartaches
I hate...
******* everything aches.

I never thought I could hate
Anything
And then you happened.
And now I hate it all
Every breath, every grain,
Every molecule
Of you

But I don't really hate you
I just hate what you did
What you said
In actuality
I love you
I always have
And I hate that the most
It's a ****** up circle -
An ironic epiphany

You swore you couldn't live without me
Well, last I ******* checked
You were still breathing
And I was still gone
Maybe The Walking Dead
Is more than just a show
You watch
To eat up your time
And numb the hole in your heart
Where my name was once
Engraved

You promised me the moon
But I didn't want the ******* moon
I just wanted you
To be around

I just wanted you
To not text her
When you thought of me

I just wanted you
To grow the **** up and
I don't know
Maybe buy me roses or some lame **** like that

I just wanted you.
All of you
But you wanted
Nothing to do with me
And I would have given you the ******* world
But you didn't want the world

You wanted her.

I'm trying so hard to ignore the fact that I sleep
On the floor
Like a neglected dog

Trying to ignore that the heat's been broken
For two years now, in an apartment
I've never been able
To call home

I just want to completely forget how easily
My nails break when my hands grow
Tired of work
Because lord knows I never drank enough milk
And my bones are thinner than paper now
And I've never once brushed my teeth
Three times a day
Let's be honest, I don't even know what the ****
Floss is supposed to do

I'm trying to ignore the fact
That I consider myself lucky when I find a shirt
Of mine
Without holes or stains or burns
From the nights you left me bleeding
On fire
In the darkness of your shadows

Please, erase from my memory
That today is the anniversary
Of his death
And ours

I'm trying so very desperately to ignore
How my schooling has gone to ****
And we both know I'm lying when I say
I want to go back
Because I've never wanted to go back
To that hell
I've never wanted society to mold me
To tell me who the **** I should be
Well who the **** are you
Anyway?
And who is this "they"
That they always talk about?
And why do they decide
Who I get to be?

And to be quite honest, dead honest,
What I'm trying to ignore most
Is that I'm three months sober
Today
Every second drags on
Reality is a ******* joke
I said it,
Yeah.
I went there.
I'd rather be a ****** like you
Than a bore like them

But, really, I just want to forget
Everything that's made me who I am
Because I don't like
Who I've turned into
But I don't like
Who I was back then
Either

What I really want
Is to just start over
And hopefully,
Never be this overwhelmed
And never
Want to forget so much
About who I am

Ignorance is ******* bliss,
It really is.