You're such a
Mother *******
*****
Get out of my
Life
And don't ever
Come back

Lay next to me
Please,
You don't have to
Do anything else.
No pressure
Just lay with me
One night
One moment...
That's all I ask

I never loved
You
At all

Why won't you
Just kiss me?
You know that
I want to...

What would you
Do if I
Shot you
Right here
Right now?
...What if I shot
Myself instead?
Right in my head,
BOOM!
Would you even
******* care?

I know how
I've treated you
And I'm sorry,
Oh, God,
I'm so sorry...
I don't know why
You keep talking to me
You're too good
Too nice
Too... perfect
I don't deserve
A friend like you

I hate
You.
I hate every
Little ******* thing
About you.
I hate the way you
Laugh
I hate the way you
Smile
I hate the way you
Look at me
I hate the way you
Breathe
Just get the ****
Away from me

I don't know what
It is about you
You've always tried
To make it work
Even when
I cursed you out
You never fought back
You just got quiet
Like you understood
...Can we please
Just be friends
Again?
Is it weird if I tell you
I miss you
Everyday?

It's over.
I'm done.
I'm tired of going
In circles with you
We're never going to
Figure this out
So why the ****
Do we keep trying?
Just erase me
From your life
And make this
Easy
For the both
Of us

And the whole time
All that I could think about
Was how I wanted to
Hug you
I just wanted to
Wrap my arms around
You
So badly
I couldn't focus
On anything else

You don't get it do you?
I'd only date you if
I was on drugs the
Whole entire time
It just hurts too much
And I don't know if anything
Could ever numb me
Enough to rid
Me of you

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't tell me to
Stop saying it,
Because you know that
I mean it.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
I love you...

Sometimes,
You make me
Wish I were dead
I can't go on
Like this
Anymore
Good ******* bye*

I can't
Imagine life
Without you
You make everything
Worth while
I'll always be here
For you
No matter what
I promise



But the worst part is
Your haunting silence...

Every now and then,
When I'm sitting alone in my
Pajamas, with a cup of hot
Chai tea and a dash of honey
In the morning
I sit against the wall
I breathe in and out
Once, twice, a few more times

And then I let down the
Gate in my mind
And my thoughts
Prance in the field of
Morbid dreams

I imagine my death
And I wonder just who
Would bother to show
And I wonder if
That boy, yeah, that one,
The one I loved for
Five years,
Would anyone even
Tell him?
Or would he be too busy
Shooting up, getting drunk,
Too busy trying to attempt
Inadvertent suicide?

I picture my mother
In her pressed black pants
And her modestly sequined
Funeral blouse that I've only
Seen three times or so
She'd rip the glasses off of her
Head and scream at my father
Why was she such a *****?
Didn't she know I loved her?

Yeah, Ma, I knew
I knew you loved me when
You grounded me for an A-
I knew you loved me when
You glared at the food on my
Plate,
After I hadn't eaten in a week
And huffed,
You're going to eat that?
Do you want to be an elephant
Or something?

I knew when you read my
Diary in seventh grade
And yelled about all of the
Deep secrets I wrote to paper
I knew when you told me
How disappointed you were
When you swore you'd never
Ever
Be proud of me

Then my mind wanders over
To my father
The big teddy bear
Graying scalp, icy eyes
His suit from 1977
That always made me laugh
And I let myself wonder
If he would even
Bother to cry

I skim across my friends
Druggies
Thieves
Liars
Cheaters
They'd miss me, wouldn't they?

Last, I ponder over
Who would show up
That I wouldn't even want
To be there
The people I've crossed
And thrown away
The ones I loved
And wrote off

I'm sure there would
Be plenty of those
Spewing lies about
How I used to be

And it all swirls together
Down Tornado Alley
My ex's lack of interest
My mother's bleeding heart
My father's vacant stare
My friends' misplaced grief
My enemies' back stabbing falsehoods

And I wonder if any
Of these people
Would honestly be able to say
That they knew me at all...



Meanwhile, the Christmas music
My mother loves to blast
Flows down the hallway and
Under my door

*Fa la la la la
La la la la...

The shaky palm of my hand
Skims my left flushed cheek
Crimson
A desire swims under
My tissue paper skin
Lust

Your lips pressed to mine
A silent promise
Love
Wings burst out of shoulder blades
Black feathers spread the floor
Angel

A twisted Cheshire smile
And you're out the window
Solitude
Broken glass falls around my frame
Cut up within the sheets
Shattered

Salty hot liquid pools in my eyes
Crying is not an option
Death
Empty inside, scraping my brain
Just one moment of togetherness
Saved

Imagining your strength
Seeping into my bones
Poison
I wonder if you were
Ever really next to me
Illusions

There is a sickeningly sweet
Comfort in loneliness
Shadows
With me, or not, I will never falter,
I'm pure. I'm a thousand reflections.
Diamond

This feeling is new
And old, in a way
But I never realized until
Just now
Exactly, right now
In fact, you're still waiting
For an answer
To your question

My friend,
His name is __
(****, I already forgot)
He thinks you're
Cute, and wants
To know if you're
Single.
What do you
Say?

Oh, oh God,
What do I say?
How could I possibly
Explain that...
That until
Just now
I hadn't realized
How in love I am
With being

Forever
Alone?

That I don't
Want to coexist
With another
I don't know if
I could
If I would
If I should?

Doubts, fears
Nerves, jitters

What if he's
Ugly
(What if I'm
Shallow?)
What if he
Changes his
Mind when he
Sees me in
Life
And runs in the
Other direction?
(What if I
Run away first?)

What if my complete
Lack of self esteem
Seeps through my pores
Like the bleeding wound
Just under my
Rib cage?

What if...

Oh, oh my,
What if I never
Again
Let anyone in

After you
Barged out?

And how dare you
How dare you!
Try to play cupid
After you
Blew me apart
And smashed the
Pieces into the
Dirt

I feel betrayed
In a sick and
Twisted way

And still,
You're waiting for
An answer.

Well,
So am I...

And I like to pretend...

I like to pretend that my
Thoughts mean nothing
That my heart's beat
Is drumming to something

I like to pretend that
The school bus
Wasn't
The first place that I
Learned to trust

I like to pretend that
This technology hasn't
Completely consumed me,
That I still have a chance
At saving or being saved,
That my soul
Isn't always running on
Empty

I like to pretend that
These skies can truly
Lift me into the clouds
That my pulse has never
Thumped so loud
That every night and
Every star isn't
Praying to tumble down

I like to pretend that
I'm a girl in a dress
Instead of the girl
In my head,
The one that's always
Swimming in a
Drug induced mess

I like to pretend that
These crayons make
Some type of valuable art
That my life hasn't
Been splattered on the
Walls from the start

I like to pretend..

I like to pretend that
The air isn't what suffocates
That the death of expression
Isn't why my heart breaks
That my thoughts have
Always found a way
To halt earth quakes

I like to pretend that
I don't know how to rhyme
And that these stupid
******* words aren't
Eating up all my time
That everything I've
Ever imagined was real
Outside the brink of my mind

I like to pretend that
The lighter's flame at night
Wraps me in faux warmth
Cozy and tight
That I've never dreamed
Of dying in spite

I like to pretend
That this world is real
That no one has ever
Taken my soul to steal
Every ounce of happiness
Away,
So that I could never again
Learn how to feel

I like to pretend
Because I never let the child
Die inside my head
And I've never let mild
Attacks boil my blistering skin
And I've never done
Anything I couldn't love
After a while

I like to pretend
Because it's all that I have
Left
Because it's the only
Thing that I've
Kept
And out the door you
Stepped
So still I pretend
Because it keeps me
Well slept

These demons in my head
Are no less real than the
Pills in my hand
Laced in glossy white
And pink
A heavy dose of
Dreams

What's the diagnosis
Besides my obvious
Inability to sleep?

Maybe I am allergic
To these bright lights
Strung around the world
In little clusters

Maybe I am repulsed
By the faint smell of
Pine diffusing off
Her clothes

Maybe I am appalled
At the thought of
Sugar plums twirling
In my ****** up head
While I try to rest
On the stone cold floor

I have a case of hate
A disease completely
Impossible to escape
Jolly is not a word
To me
Anymore

December, December
The way you make my
Pale lips shiver
In the frosty air
The way you make
The green grass crunch
Under my cut up
Feet

I think I may have
Loved you once
Many moons ago
Back when that
Fat guy with the beard
Was real

But now things are
Different
You make my nose
Glow red
And my skin
Dry up in flakes

And I swear,
Miss December
You are ruining
Every second of
Every day

Because it's so much easier
To place the blame
On someone who isn't
Exactly real

Now, back to the pills
Down they go
Along with my words
Along with the poem

Goodnight,
Miss December
I pray to wake in
January's light.