Sometimes when
I walk home
In the morning
Before the sun
Is even awake
I play with little scenarios
In my head

I think it's something
Everyone does
But this specific morning
I thought of you
And that time in
Your truck
And I realized that
A part of me wished
You had just pulled
The trigger

Not because
Part of me
Is slightly suicidal
Or wants to
Die
Even though it is
Inevitable

Not because
I wanted
The school to
Shut down
And mourn for weeks
Over me

Not because
I've always wanted
To see the look on
Her face
When she threw away
My belongings
And skimmed over the
Words
I ******* hate my
Mother
In my preteen
Diary

Not because
I wondered what
People would
Say about me
And if their words would
Even be true

Not because
Deep down in my
Heart
I wasn't sure
If you
Would even bother
To show up
At my
Funeral

But I wished that
You pulled the trigger
Because then
Hopefully
You would have gone to
Jail
For my ******
And I know that sounds
Like a bad thing
Because I guess it is

But at least
You would have
A roof over your
Head
And three square meals
A day

And maybe that's
A weird way of
Thinking

But you really would be
Better off
Without me

I am not a poet
Because I don't have the
Vast vocabulary of most
And I can't tell you the
Difference
Between haikus and acrostics  
And I don't know
How many stanzas make up
A "good write"

I am not a poet
Because I'm a psychopath
And I sip my coffee
From the wrong side of the mug
And I open my banana
Upside-down
And I tangle my heart
Into knots on purpose
Despite it's resilience

I am not a poet
No, I'd like to think
That I'm the poem
But I'm not that either
I'm more of a chaperon
For life's chaos
I watch over the panic attacks
And I coddle the over doses

No, no,
I am not a poet
How can I be?
When I've been tipping
And tapping
My shoes in the hall
Just waiting for doomsday
I've just been hoping
Praying
For this to be simple
For the sky to come crashing down
Because then I can say
That the bills
The rent
The schooling
The mainstream *******
Was all meaningless

I am not a poet
Because I can't make a good
Rhyme
And I'm not as clever
As I used to be

I am not a poet
Because I often succumb to the
******* of others' words
Because I know that
They said it better
Than I ever could

And I am not a poet
Because I'd rather quote
Those before me
Than find strength in my own
Broken syllables

I am not a poet
But I am the raw
And deep
Bleeding sore on the side
Of your mouth
That you can't help but chew at
That you could never possibly
Ignore

I'm not a poet
Because these words
Really belong
To the wind
And my pulse rests
In the Earth's crust
And my emotions
Connect in the sky
And my fingertips
Are made from stardust

No,
I am not a poet


*Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.
—Lawrence M. Krauss

Sarah Lynn
And Tracey


I'm drifting away in my
Study
Thoughts of her creep
Into my mind
The scent of her skin
The life in her eyes
I can't focus on my work
These days
The loss of her
Has corrupted my soul
And my bones shatter
When I dream up
Her faint whisper
In my ear

It couldn't possibly
Be real?

I whisper into his ear
Hoping he can feel me
See me...
So much was left unsaid...
So many deeds left undone...
Time was not on my side
I scream out from the shadows
Waiting
Wanting
Someone to hear
Me this day...
To feel me that day...
I want the memory of me
To hold him in
The arms of thought
To seal this day in
Eternity's flame...

What was that?
I swear I'm losing
My sanity
It's as though she's here
Somehow
As though she knows
The truth
What really happened
That night
The guilt is torturous
My paranoid eyes
Dart around the room
No one can find out
No one can know...

Truth?
In this shell of who I am
Now...I know his truth...
I want him to feel the pain
He caused me...
I want him to sweat beads
Of fear in knowing I'm still
Here...
Watching...him...touching him...
I want him to wear a symbol
Of my pain...
A stigmata for all to see...
A warning sign...
Bleed daily from this place...
And know
I'll never let you go...
My memory will wrap
Around you like a blanket
Of pain...
Remember me...that day

She's streaming through me
Like osmosis of spirit
Short of breath
Clutching my chest
The walls spin
The lights flicker
I run to the mirror
Frantic
Her hands on my neck
Cold and clammy
My mouth falls open
At the sight
Of myself
And the bruises around
My neck
Where her memory
Found a way
To strangle me
As the first repercussion
For what I did
That day..

*I'm finding solace
In your suffering...
I see you looking at
Your reflection in the
The mirror
And seeing
Me...
Reliving when your hands
Were around my neck...
The pressure, the pain
Until my one last gurgling
Breath took place...
Cold and clammy
I'll forever be...in this
Place you've left me...
Suffer with me unsettled
Spirit...
My breath is yours...
The sensations on your skin
Are the spiders crawling on
Mine...
From six feet under...
Don't go to my grave to
Find comfort...
Because I'm not there
I'm still your reflection
In the mirror~

An addict for
Several years now
I find myself
Huffing ink
And snorting paper
Because in this
Economy
I can't afford
Those expensive highs
Anymore

So I turned to the pen
To the blue and black
Smudges on my hands
But the pen is
Just as dead as my ends

Just as dead as me

Technology has taken over
And I have friends across
The Atlantic
And I have emotions bleeding
Into pixels

This instability
Is slowly killing me
What will my next
Addiction be?

I am only human
The fact that I am fallible
Is quite inevitable

But maybe these are
Subtle excuses
For my relentless actions
And maybe there has
Been a decline
In my wits
And my brain has
Rusted over

Every addiction
Lives inside
Waiting to surface
As though they are all
Old poker buddies
Sitting around the
Heart shaped table
In my rib cage
Placing bets on
My mortality

There must
Be some way
To crawl into my
Computer screen
And flow through
Infinity

Because this reality
Can't be real

This girl with the bags
Under her eyes
With the bruises
On her arms
With the regret
In her smile

Can't possibly
Be me...

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never danced
On a Wednesday night
In the middle of the gym
I never laughed
Over math books
During lunch hour

I was too busy
Smoking behind dumpsters
With total strangers
And I was too busy
Acting like a bad ***
And lying to you, Mom
Saying the money was
For a movie I never even saw

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never held a boy's
Hand, just for the sake of
Love
I never smiled
Under the full moon
Just to feel human

I was too busy
Watching him breathe
To make sure he never OD'ed
And I was too busy
Crying as the walls
Melted from the drugs
That you inadvertently
Paid for, Mom

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never felt
An ounce of guilt
For stealing from you
I never
Had the slightest desire
To tell you the truth

I was too busy
Pretending to be
The perfect daughter
And I was too busy
Covering up my life
Trying to keep
The stories straight
As I lied to your face

I've never done
Anything
That you wanted me to do
I never wanted
To become the spitting
Image of you
I never imagined
That's exactly
What I'd do

My phalanges shake under the
Blood red sunset
My heart beats rapidly
In my throat
My nerves consume
Every inch of my flesh

I'm sitting on that bench
Our bench
Outside that little store
Our store
And I'm thinking of you
Dreaming of you
And it's Autumn
And that song you played
Our song
It's stuck in my head
Because I don't think
It ever left

If only there was a way
To avoid this whole situation
Some way to circumvent
Around life

But there's not

And suddenly
I'm distracted by an
Angel
Or the closest thing to it
That I've ever seen
On Earth

Straight purple hair
Pierced septum
Thick black eyeliner
Cuts down her arms
Oceans in her eyes

It's cold
And I'm alone
And I'm waiting for you
And she's there
And my mind is spinning
And my heart drops
And my posterior goes numb

And I swear to God
If you don't hurry up
I'm going to follow her home

Because my mind is
Skidding off the fringes
Of sanity
And my emotions are
Twisting like pretzels
In a bakery

Confused and broken
The girl
That caught my mind
And stole my time
Walks by in slow
Motion

And the reason
That I'm so easily
Obsessed
With her
Is because she did
Something
No one ever
Could

For a few moments
She actually helped me

Forget about you

I wish all this
Twisted ****
Was just something
From my wits
A way to catch the
Attention of twits

That I was
Writing every poem
In a warm
Fuzzy home
With a life
That wasn't so
Dreadfully alone

The stories are true
The characters are
Tragically real
But stop acting
Like you can relate
Like you know
How I feel

I've seen some ****
I've been some places
I've stolen bags and
Cut up faces
I've tripped
For days
Came home wasted

No wonder
My head isn't
Feeling so well
No wonder
Everyday is a
Living hell
No wonder
I have all these ****** up
Stories to tell

It's the environment
That I so easily
Put myself in
It's my associates
That turned my
Pure soul to sin

So I take the blame
I take the fall
But if I never
Experimented
With my life's call
Then I'd have nothing
To tell you at all