I'm a *****
But there's a reason why I am this way
All those times he left me
Abandoned, feeling lost and betrayed

I'm a *****
Because I let him go get high
While I sat in the cold
Alone, with a baby kicking inside

I'm a *****
For loving him the way I did
I'm a *****
For never telling him that it was his kid

I can't tell you
How many times
I've hit backspace
Trying to write
This.. this.. poem
About you

About your death
And how it sits
So uneasy
In my blood cells

The horror of it
Plays in my mind
And I wish it didn't
I wish it couldn't

I see it all
Everyday
So vividly

The violent rage
Fueled by psilocybin
That you went into
As you slammed your
Fist through glass

The faces of the
Officers as you
Bled to death
On the floor
In front of your mother

The screams that ring
Through my ears
From that night
Slice through
My unstable soul

I miss you
Plain and simple
I wish there was
Somehow more time
Or a way to
Trade

I don't think that's
Possible

But I really would
Trade

Because the thought
Of my best friend
Losing her
Brother
Of sixteen
To drugs
Simply

Haunts my bones

We met in the laundry room
No, no
Not a love interest
Or an awkward stranger
No, not this time

A little girl
Alone
Maybe seven years of age
With big bright blue eyes
That staked my heart
Long thin blond hair
And a halo floating
Just above her head

Are you lost?
I asked
Curious
Concerned

She gazed to the West
And thought for a bit
Taking her time
And she split my soul
With the words
**Isn't everyone?

I have worked
My whole life to be
Someone different from
The woman in front of me

Pierced my bottom lip
And dyed my hair blue
Oh my God, Mother
I'd do anything not to be you

Don't get me wrong
I love you in my heart
But you make me so crazy
I don't even know where to start

I've never once heard you say
That you were proud
But you had no problem
Yelling Failure! at me so loud

My heart ached and a tear shed
All I ever wanted was approval
But in my head I knew
That you just wanted my removal

You pick and **** and pry
Sorting through my stuff
And then you sit and wonder
Why I always act so tough

I can't let you get to me
I can't let you penetrate the skin
I don't know what I would do
If you ever found a way in

I love you, I really do
But this relationship is a mess
You never tell me you care
Even when I'm at my best

It hurts to write this
It hurts to watch you lie
And when they say how sweet you are
All I can do is sigh

They don't know your inner layer
The devil dancing within
Oh dear mother
How I wish we weren't kin

But the part that really gets me
The part that eats me alive
Is that I will always be half of you
No matter how hard I try

If I could take you
Home
In my pocket
You know that I would
My Great-Lake state

I'd hide you in my
Closet
And lock you inside
My mind

For if Jersey ever found
You
She just might
Kick my Mid-West loving
***

This love affair is
Growing out of
Control
I find myself day-dreaming
Of the time we
Shared

You live in my skin
Everyday I long
To be reunited
With you

Detroit
Flint
Grand Rapids
Streaming straight through my
Blood
An IV attached to my
Heart

You twist in my head
I can't sleep
At night
No amount of
Counted sheep
Can cure
This disease

The aching pain
Of my soul split
In half
Well over
Seven hundred miles

I've taken
Trains
Buses
Planes
Cars

And if I had it my way
Nothing could keep us
Apart

I pray that one day
We will be together
Once more
I will leave her for you
I will
Just not now.. No..
You see, New Jersey has a bit
Of an attitude
And if I left right now...
Well..

It's tricky, my dear
But I promise

One day
Some day
I will be yours
And you will be my
Little mitten shaped
Love

And then,
Only then
We will know what it's like
To be
Blissfully happy

Igniting my anger
Scarring my skin
Pulling my hair
Making a noose
With the
Strands

You drive me up a
Brick wall
Straight into
Insanity

Boiling blood
Red in the face
Screaming
Spitting
Rage

How can you
Justify our
"Friendship"

How can you
Say it's all been
"Forgotten"

My temperature
Rises
I glare at your
Ragged clothing
You live out of your
Piece-of-**** Jetta
Homeless and
Hopeless

Oh, how I despise you
Ex-lover
Ex-friend
Ex-human being

I shrill out in disgust
Just admit it
I mean nothing
To you
These days

That's not true
You retort
Getting off your
Makeshift stool
From fourth grade
Outside your old
Home

Your finger slams into me
Poking my soul
Just get the ****
Away from me
Already

Speechless
Full of emotion
Acting without
Thinking

I slapped your
Face
And we tussled
'Til dawn
'Til the problems
Were solved


But

I still despise you
Ex-lover
Of mine

And you still
**** me with
Every line

The sunlight hides behind
Stubborn clouds
A few squirming
Beams
Make it through

My chest sinks
As my breath escapes
No words could truly
Describe
How amazing it feels to be
In my
Homeland
Again
New Jersey

Night falls
My feet criss-crossed in the
Street
**** squished onto the
Curb
Cigarette in hand
Filthy habit
Wonderful release

And you're next to me
Again

Like how it was
When we were
Kids

My teeth are
Chattering
Your hands are
Shaking

Here we go
Again

This story plays out
In my mind
For the hundredth
Time

And to tell you the
Truth
Even I'm sick of the poems
About you

Back in town
Back in my head
Back into circles
Again

I swear it never ends

But even in the
Dead of night
You stick a lily in my
Hair

And it makes everything
Bearable
For just a moment

Until you find
A new way to
Destroy me

Again