Some people think that as an
Adult
I can be a tad rough
Rock solid skin
But as a
Child
I was exponentially
Worse

Kicked
Screamed
Cried
Teased
Scratched

A walking terror
My father deemed me
"Crab-Apple Lynn"


The neighbors would
Whisper
Of that horrid five-year-old
Girl
That would push and
Tackle
The boys down the street

And on the night
That I kicked my
Brother's friend in the
Groin
And he tumbled
Down the stairs
Word spread like
Wildfire
That Crab-Apple
Had struck again

Notorious bully
Walking with balled fists
Kicking over Lincoln Logs
Smashing Play-Doh sculptures
Sneezing purposefully
Spewing out green phlegm
And wiping the boogers
On fellow peers
Half-grinning
At their cries

Feared by all
But respect
Was the one thing
The miniature version of
Me
Could not earn

And despite my youth
Despite the over-sized chip on my shoulder
Tiny me
Found a way
To flip around
Turn a leaf
Turn a page
Turn a head

Completely change
Altogether

And suddenly
Crab-Apple disappeared
And Sarah grew in
View

It was as though
Somehow, someway
The little me knew that

Fear is worthless

Our hands frozen together
Black masks
Backpacks
Running from the flashing lights
Down the street

They'll never catch us
No
This is our time
Our night
This moment
This breath
Is us

Sneaking through bushes
Mechanical
Zombied
Black clothes
Hushed tones

Blood pumping
From the rush
A law breaking
High

Like drinking
A full *** of
Coffee
All at once

You swim through my
Veins
Like an adrenaline
Plague

Eggs
Toilet paper
Paint
Krazy glue
Peanut butter

Oh, the hell we'll
Bring

The moon is full to
Bursting
The air is stiff
Lifeless

You and I
Multitasking mischief
Together
Bonding over
Cracked shells
And pumpkin guts

Giggling through the
Stars
Almost caught
Almost lost
Almost...
In love?

No! Not that!
No emotions
No adult things
On this
Our one and only
Night of fun

The night meant for
The monster that lives

Under our skin

Together, you and I have been through,
More than I would ever like to admit to.
I haven't forgotten seventh grade, the gun,
Held to my head as some type of "fun,"
The look of horror in my youthful eyes,
As you swore it was just a sickening surprise.
I wish that was the only time you had,
Almost ended my life, without feeling bad.
But no, let's not forget the hood of your car,
As you sped down the road towards the bar,
And as I screamed, you slammed on the breaks,
I flew off, later having to patch up the scrapes.

And now people wonder if I'm blind, deaf, or dumb.
There are no answers to give, I'm simply numb.
How can we still be friends? They ask.
Well I have to tell you, it's no easy task,
But I know a side to you that no one's ever seen.
I know why you are so afraid of your dreams,
Your life of solitude and constant insomnia,
Those lonely weeks you spent in California.
I know it all baby, I've always paid attention,
But you're a monster now, or so they mention.
So I have no choice, I need know,
I ask you in a low tone, cold and slow,

Where are we going? I could never really tell,
You respond darkly. **If we're lucky? Straight to hell.

4:17 A.M
   He gazed in my direction
   That awkward, gawky,
   Painter

4:18 A.M
   I blurted out my
   Greeting
   Uhm, hello..
   It was late
   I was nervous
   He was angelic

   Hey there
   His smile sliced
   Into me
   Inadvertently

4:19 A.M
    I sank into
    His eyes
    Blue as the sea
    His teeth
    Were an astonishing white
    Like foggy ice
    

4:22 A.M
    He had gone
    Out the door
    Swiftly vanished

4:25 A.M
    Calmed down
    Slowed my heart

    He was there

    Outside
    Cancer stick in hand
    Shivering in Winter
      
    Nervous again
    Cold tonight
    Smooth

4:26 A.M
    Blinking
    Sluggish
    He responded

    Cold every night
    When you're alone
    In this swarming
    City

4:27 A.M
    He stepped on his
    Cigarette

    And walked out
    Of my life

This world is ripping me to
Shreds
Someone has amputated my
Heart
With blood soaked hands
Gasping
I can't do this
Screaming
Get away from me
Pleading
Just leave me alone
Broken
Lock the doors, close the windows
Monster
I just want to live
Greed
Sick of the *******
Desperate
Get out of my head
Impossible
Negativity consumes my being
Relentless
There is no way
Out
Is there?

Smears of charcoal under my eyes
The white of my bones shines through my skin
Blood streams through the cracks in the floor
Horror behind me, horror above
Chained to the basement wall, ravenous
Awaiting my abductor, half curious
The door screams and creaks open
My body jumps, a frightened child
***** boots stomp slowly down the stairs
To the rhythm of my petrified heart

DEAD YET?
He bellows

My mousy chest no longer moves
Up and down
There is a sickening silence
Heart attack
Is there existence after this day?
No escape

He trudges closer, squinting at my shell
My once beautiful thin frame
Now resembling a Holocaust victim
Rib cage exposed, eyes locked

He sneers again,
I asked you a question

My voice box is being strangled
By the sadistic frog in my throat
The seconds tick as I find my words
Piece them together in my mind
And try my best to lock away my strength

You may be able..
Kick
To **** my body..
Steel toed boots
To slice me to bits..
Crack
But I promise you..
Another rib
You cannot..
Bleeding
****..
I can ******* decay
*My essence..