Men are my vice
I use them
And lose them

I'm an addict
who knows it's wrong
Until I need another hit

I take them late at night
The cover of darkness
Makes me feel safe

I forget about the world
And I feel free
Until I feel awful

I use them for control of my thoughts
And to prevent feelings
That I'd rather not feel

But reality catches up
As I drive home
And I feel *****

If people only knew
What I do in the dark
They'd see me differently

Everyone needs to cope
Some use alcohol, drugs
I cope with men

Men who don't care
Who don't know
What I'm there to ignore

So men are my vice
I use them
Then lose them

And though I feel
Wrong, bad, afterwards
I always go back

I'm too young to have such grown-up feelings
I need a grown-up drink to help me forget.
There's no way around my thoughts
So I push them away to the back of my mind.

But you can't fight a battle you won't win
You can't tie a straight line
Or or white-out a whisper
And I can't find the words to go back to you again

So here is a tale,
Epic, but true
Of my trip to So-Cal
Written down for you

It starts out in Salem
Such a fine town indeed
And 28 hours later,
From the train I was freed

Of this long ride
Not much can be said,
But for want of a better seat partner
I wished to smack him on the head.

For never such a pompous
Man have I met-
He fancied himself
Better than the rest

And when it came time
To un-board the train
My request for help with bags
Was met with disdain

To add grief to my mood
Once I got to the station
I found that my checked bags
Had not found their destination

But don't fret dear reader,
No, do not fear,
For my story gets better
of my two day stay here.

We came back the next day
My cousin and I
To find two boxes had arrived
The third still being sly

So to the beach we did roam
And many pictures we took
If you'd like to see them,
They're on my Facebook.

While in the water that noon
The ocean clear as day,
With my eyes I did spot
A baby sting ray!

While a marvelous sight,
One I'd never seen before,
I hopped out of the water
Lest my foot receive a sore.

After our play time,
We discovered hunger
And for my first time
Went to In-N-Out Burger

My dear cousin Stefanie
From the mother of a friend
Received many apples
So I pie I did blend!

All by myself
Was the recipe made
Crusts included,
with my memory's aid.

Once out of the oven
And cooled just quite right,
The deliciousness was evident
From the very first bite.

The next morning was my last
Of my trip to California
We thought to see Hollywood
Was a marvelous idea.

But oh the traffic-
We were not prepared
So from walking around
We were completely spared.

Visit we did,
But in drive-by form
So to leave for LAX
I did not long mourn.

Early we did arrive
To where from I would leave
Thanks to the carpool lane
Into which we did weave.

Inside the airport
I traveled alone
This was the first time
I had by myself flown.

Three hours of waiting
Before I got on the plane
Thank goodness I had my Kindle
To entertain my brain.

Once the plane had been boarded
My trip seemed quite short
It wasn't long until
We got into port.

From there it was Tanner
In his Honda Accord
Who picked me up from the airport
And to Newberg I was restored.

And so of my trip
I have but one thing to say:
I like Oregon weird!
California can keep its L.A.

It's not like I'd die without you.
I'm a realistic person,
I know there are more fish in the sea.
But I don't want to find them,
Even though I've reeled out my line
And cast my net in the water,
I still secretly hope I won't catch anything.

It's not like I can't be happy without you
Ever the optimist,
I can always find something to smile for.
But it doesn't stay on my face
It eventually slides off,
And my mask slips back on
Hardening, like stone
Trying to hide my broken heart.

It's not like I loved you
What is love, anyway?
Maybe I don't even know
Maybe it's something you have to feel
And when you feel it... you just know
And if that's the case...
Then I know.

I miss you
In the simplest way
Because you're not here.

It hurts.
I don't have words
For how much it hurts.

I felt like we were soulmates
But I don't even
Believe in soulmates.

My heart aches
Every single day
Without you.

Most days
I can ignore it
And pretend to live.

But I still can't think
About us not being together
Someday.

I am awoken by the rain.

The sound of it drumming against my window
And water hitting water as it splashes into puddles.
As my senses awake, I recognize the fuzzy feeling in my mouth;
Time to brush my teeth.

I get ready for the day and head outside
Where it is still raining.
I close my eyes as I step beneath the clouds.

I feel the coolness of water droplets land on my sleepy, warm skin
I take a deep breath and let the scent of everything fill my nose.
The lilacs and tulips in the yard
Mixed with the soft smell of dirt and the grass
And the air and the rain

That cool, refreshing smell
Like starting over.

Then I open my eyes
The clouds I see
Are a bittersweet gray
The same shade of his eyes at dusk.

The grass is the deepest shade of green I've ever seen it
Being highlighted by the dark light from the sky
It all was beautiful.

I take another look
And another deep breath
And head off for the day.

Not everyone sees what I see,
But I didn’t realize that you looked different to them,
That maybe it wasn’t so obvious
Like I thought it was.

This confused me
Because I thought I’d have to fight for you
But maybe I discovered my own Narnia;
Hidden, safe from others.

The ground I’m standing on isn’t even
Because I still don’t know what to think of this (of us)
I could ask, but I’ve asked before
Somehow I don’t think it would help.

I look at the moon and the stars and the grass
I smell the night air
And I feel the Universe is at peace.
Telling me don’t hold my breath, have patience.

This in-between step intrigues me
This is all new for me;
The happenings, the feelings, the communication,
And I have a front row seat to how this unfolds.

Would anybody really understand?
We’re just two lovers,
Trapped by our lives,
Waiting for that break in time.

I freeze
When I want to talk to you.
My heart pounds
When I think of you.

I care so deeply for you
More than I thought was possible without love.
My soul… misses you,
Longs for your touch.

Friendship is all you can give
And all I can ask for, for now.
But someday, there will come a day
And then, we’ll be together.