A mixture of lust and fear
I feel like I'm living in a haze
The memories pierce me when I'm least expecting it
I can't break free.

I regret everything, yet I would do it all again
You're like a poison that I'm addicted to
I like the way it burns down my throat
But I hate the feeling of choking

/

I have a stark longing for you
But I dilute it with drops of hesitancy and dashes of indecision

//

Sometimes I feel like we are both playing a game and I can never tell who is winning.
One minute I am playing you like a fiddle and the next minute I find myself being accidentally genuine.
I know you are strategically manipulating me most of the time but I catch glimpses of realness in you too .
I remind myself to stay guarded- to not get attached- this is just fun, right?
But then an authentic emotion stirs within me.
And I have never been one to stifle the movement of authenticity.

///

It feels authentic when you remember little things about me...and about us.
It feels authentic when I catch myself stammering for words because your kind eyes catch me off guard. And my mind flashes back to the way those green eyes would look at me right before we kissed.
It feels authentic when I find myself praying for you. Praying that you'll nail your job interview or have life-giving friendships or fall in love with the perfect girl.

It's moments like these that I realize I am losing this game of ours.
I try to push away the care that I feel for you because, frankly, it hurts
It is much easier to pretend that I'm apathetic and unattached
And sometimes I beat myself up for caring about you because you make it so **** hard to do.

////

If I know that you are not my future- why am I so intent on fitting you into my present?
There is a cruel irony in the way that I came crawling back.
I finally surfaced from the tumultuous waters of you, only to turn around and voluntarily plunge back in.

/////

And I know that you probably don't trust me
And I suspect that you don't experience the same care for me that I have for you
But sometimes I detect a flash of the longing that you have for me
You long for my attention and affection
You long for my encouragement and friendship
You long for my body to be wrapped up in yours- like slipping into a familiar pair of sweatpants
You long for me to long for you

/

but is that enough?

It hurts to not be somebody's first choice
To feel like an afterthought
It hurts when they tell you they care but their actions scream out: "you're worthless!"
It hurts when you sheepishly ask to cuddle and he pointedly sits on the couch across the room
It hurts when you feel like you valued the relationship more than he ever did
It hurts when you feel like a filler of a human
Something that he spent his time on until he could finally obtain someone better
It hurts when you start to wonder if there really is something inherently unlovable about who you are
There must be something fundamentally broken in me because every time a guy gets close enough to see inside, he backs away
Maybe if I had good skin and soft hair and toned abs
Maybe if my sense of humor was wittier
Or my passions were more beautiful
Or my nail beds weren't a disaster
Or if I cared for people better
Or if I was more confident in myself
Maybe then I would be lovable
Maybe then someone would value me as much as I value them
I know relationships are hard and love is a choice but there is a base level of adoration that people seem to have for their partners
Why have I never experienced that?
When will anyone look into my bruised, twisted heart and decide that it is worth choosing?
It hurts to not be somebody's first choice.

friendship
intimate, trustworthy, fun
the kind of friendship that I didn't question
he's like my brother I would tell people
and you were so good to me
you would hold me as I cried over other boys who broke me
you would take me on spontaneous doughnut runs
you would help me move out of my dorm- doing all of the heavy lifting
that's just who you were
you lifted things when they were too heavy for me to handle
you carried my burdens for nothing in return.

more than friendship?
intimate, confusing, fun
I remember that night on your couch so vividly
The way you brushed my hair behind my ear and told me all of the things that were special about me- the pieces of my heart that you loved
And you said that you would never hurt me or leave me alone
I remember feeling so certain- so sure about you
In a way that I had never felt about any other man
I remember letting myself be completely bare
We've been friends for years; he already knows all of my wounds, I thought
And I let myself fall, I really did
With every midnight conversation. Every passionate kiss. Every knowing smile you would give me from across the room.
With every passing day, I was becoming more and more yours
I would even picture the future, our future
My unguarded heart rendered my mind susceptible to thoughts such as, "what would a life with him look like?"

strangers
distant, sudden, decidedly un-fun
your decision crashed over me like a wave pounds the sand
it was not pretty or easy or anything like I had imagined it to be
the equation of my future calculated you as a constant- not a variable
but there it was: your decision to let me go without my permission.
you chose to walk out of my life in a way that hurt me more than any legitimate breakup ever could
my "shoulder to cry on" suddenly became the source of my tears.
my dream about the future suddenly became an all-too-present nightmare.
my best friend became a stranger.
and I was entirely unprepared for the impact of my fall.

When I was in 4th grade she called me “weird” and I believed it
When I was in 6th grade he called me “ugly” and I believed it
When I was in 7th grade she called me “worthless” and I believed it
When I was in 8th grade they called me a “*****” and I believed it
When I was in 10th grade she called me “fake” and I believed it
When I was in 11th grade they called me “desperate” and I believed it
When I was in 12th grade he called me “selfish” and I believed it

I seem to think that I’m just not good enough
Like I’m not worthy of being loved or cared for
I have a hard time believing I’m a beautiful person
I see the ugliness that is my heart and refuse to accept that my soul is a lovely thing

I also believe the lie that I cannot change
That I will always be a slave to my anxieties and shortcomings
That I couldn’t stop even if I tried
That I don’t really want to change

I believe the lie that this way of living on my own strength is more satisfying
That surrendering to God will let me down somehow
I’m scared to give up control of my life
I feel like I can’t give it all to Him- I need to hold at least a few strands of myself back

It’s hard for me to even imagine what total healing and surrender would look like
I’ve been tangled in webs of deceit for as long as I can remember
I listen to those lies about myself

I’ve made my home in a house of matchsticks and every time my heart breaks the force is enough of spark to set me on fire
I continue to self-destruct
I don’t even know how to trust God
How do I hand over my life into His hands?
Is there a special prayer or action I can do in order to totally surrender?
Why is it so much easier to trust myself instead of the One who knit me together?

I don’t like myself- you see- that’s a problem
But the Spirit living inside of me renders me worthy
I have inherited a lifetime of loveliness because I was created by an Artist
Not everyone that looks at me will recognize my beauty
However, that does not diminish the reality of it
I have been made worthy
I have been made lovely
These are facts- not opinions or fleeting emotions. This is truth.

When I stop believing the lies about myself- I feel free
I’m free to live the way I was created to live
I am not bound by shackles of addiction or self-hatred
I’M FREE and even though I thought rebellion made me “free” it only fueled the fire that welded my own chains
Ignoring and disobeying God is not freedom- it’s self-destruction

I cannot make myself happy
Nothing can satisfy the aching in the core of my being other than living in the shadow of the One who gave everything- sacrificed everything in the pursuit of my adulterous heart
I could never be more loved than I am right now in this very moment
I can never be more beautiful than how I was created
He will bring me joy, purpose, strength, conviction, peace, satisfaction, & LIFE

When I try to control my life, emotions, thoughts, and rebellious heart it yields pain and emptiness
When He is in control- I bloom.

I'm the kind of girl that boys like to forget about

they say that storms always pass
but it's been pouring for a month
thunder still rattles my bones
and I haven't seen the sun in weeks
what if this storm doesn't pass?
what if this is the kind of rain that soaks me and changes me
did I get struck by lightning?
every inch of my skin is burning
I have electrical tears
the storm is breaking me but, god, it is beautiful

missing you is like insomnia, nausea,
and headaches that won't go away
missing you is like being deflated
crumpled in a fetal position with no intentions of getting up
missing you is like trying to convince myself that I'm okay
"no really, I didn't even think about him today"
missing you is screaming because I can't get your smile out of my head
why do I care? stupid girl. get over it.
missing you is like losing a piece of myself
my carefree, wildflower, smiling, full-hearted self is missing
you took her with you when you said you didn't love me
missing you is wishing you missed me too.

this sinking feeling
of being forgotten
unwanted
neglected
like that abandoned doll house in your attic
dust collects
memories fade
and an entire universe is swallowed up by your disregard

/if nothing is wrong
why does everything hurt?

is there a reason why I can't imagine my life ten years from now?
people know what they're passionate about
I used to know what I was passionate about
until real life hit me like a truck
and shattered my dreams into fragments on the concrete of my self-doubt
why am I so afraid of my future yet so unsatisfied with my present?

too proud to admit my weakness
too weak to get better on my own

Maybe one day
The kisses will become customary
The gestures of romance will become expected
The late night conversations will become half-hearted
The dates will become obligatory
The feelings will become dry
The connection will become faulty.

But maybe one day
We will fall more in love minute by minute
And I will wake up to your stubble and morning mumblings
And every time we kiss will remind us of the first time
And your romantic gestures will never lose the ability to make my heart stutter
And the late night conversations will not have to end because we’ll talk until the sun embraces the horizon
And the dates will become hunting for a babysitter
And the feelings will flourish
And our connection will remain alive, fueled by the radiance of our Creator

sometimes I feel distant from You but I'm in the palm of your hand
sometimes I try to run away but I  never leave Your embrace
sometimes I try to conceal my tears but they never leave Your gaze

at first, I denied you.
refused to believe that someone like you would notice my camouflaged heart
suddenly, you saw me
and you understood why I was hiding

then I was terrified.
I struggled to push you away
but every time I began to drift, your smile would pull me back in like the tide
unyielding
I relished in the sensation of your gentle affection washing over me- cleansing my bruised heart

then I wasn't afraid anymore.
I allowed myself to heal
through your acceptance, I began to accept myself

my heart is still calloused, but it's becoming softer
my fists are still clenched, but my grip is loosened every time you slip your palm into mine
I will always be guarded- but you might just be the one who gets past the gates
And captures me.

{kay-tee} subj.
I am more than a GPA
I am more than an athletic performance
I am more than flawed skin & a nose that's too big
I am more than the number on the scale
I am more than the number of likes on a feed
I am more than the rumors say
I am more than my fears
More than my secrets
More than my mistakes
And more than my achievements
I am the sun
Ever-changing, always exploding
Too powerful to stare at directly
Nothing can define me without my consent

I pleaded with my heart not to fall but it dove headfirst anyways

do you ever feel
this sudden wave of happiness
that crashes over you and warms your core like apple cider & holidays

do you ever feel
this strong appreciation for someone
that you can't even put into words because they've always been there

do you ever feel
this clenching fist of loneliness
that you don't understand because you're in a room full of people

do you ever feel
this soaring flight of confidence
that propels you to speak your mind & express your ideas

do you ever feel
this shattering choke of anxiety
that fragments your thoughts & leaves you trembling in a puddle of your own salt

it is possible to feel stagnant in the midst of excitement, when everything is whirling around you so fast that you should be dizzy
but you are unaffected by the cyclone

and then the stress breaks over me like the ocean over a jagged rock and I can't breathe anymore

I never told you how much I cared about you
I never said how much I treasured your hand in mine
I never told you that I was terrified of losing you
I never said that I was naive enough to fall for you again and again
I never told you how it made me feel when you hugged her in front of me, pulling her in the way that the moon pulls the tide
I wanted to be the tide, I wanted to be in your orbit

loud, frantic yells in a language you don't understand
who is there
you can see the shadows and movements but you can't make out a face
maybe it's the men from the bar, back to steal you for the night
you cringe at the thought, digging black fingernails into the dirt
suddenly a glimmer of metal
bang
a scream
bang
then it is quiet
you tell yourself it is another nightmare and fall asleep
but when you wake up the next morning, the dream is still happening
no, nightmares are supposed to evaporate in the light of day
but the ****** bodies of your parents on the floor will not dissolve, no matter how many times you blink
there will be no funeral or answers
nobody cares
there is nobody to care
you are nobody

I used to think that nothing was worse than being unwanted by you
rejection was the black hole that devoured my every carefully-chosen word, my every thought-out action
even my smiles were planned, I programmed the muscles of my face to produce a silent film- for your viewing pleasure
the only Oscar that my performance desired was your attention
but then I got it.
and then you took it away.
and now I realize that you do not hang the stars, I do.
I am in control of a constellation of emotions, bursting like a supernova behind my eyes
everything is changing and I am changing but I am here and you are not and if you come back it's too late because I'm already lost in space