do you ever feel
this sudden wave of happiness
that crashes over you and warms your core like apple cider & holidays

do you ever feel
this strong appreciation for someone
that you can't even put into words because they've always been there

do you ever feel
this clenching fist of loneliness
that you don't understand because you're in a room full of people

do you ever feel
this soaring flight of confidence
that propels you to speak your mind & express your ideas

do you ever feel
this shattering choke of anxiety
that fragments your thoughts & leaves you trembling in a puddle of your own salt

it is possible to feel stagnant in the midst of excitement, when everything is whirling around you so fast that you should be dizzy
but you are unaffected by the cyclone

and then the stress breaks over me like the ocean over a jagged rock and I can't breathe anymore

I never told you how much I cared about you
I never said how much I treasured your hand in mine
I never told you that I was terrified of losing you
I never said that I was naive enough to fall for you again and again
I never told you how it made me feel when you hugged her in front of me, pulling her in the way that the moon pulls the tide
I wanted to be the tide, I wanted to be in your orbit

loud, frantic yells in a language you don't understand
who is there
you can see the shadows and movements but you can't make out a face
maybe it's the men from the bar, back to steal you for the night
you cringe at the thought, digging black fingernails into the dirt
suddenly a glimmer of metal
bang
a scream
bang
then it is quiet
you tell yourself it is another nightmare and fall asleep
but when you wake up the next morning, the dream is still happening
no, nightmares are supposed to evaporate in the light of day
but the ****** bodies of your parents on the floor will not dissolve, no matter how many times you blink
there will be no funeral or answers
nobody cares
there is nobody to care
you are nobody

I used to think that nothing was worse than being unwanted by you
rejection was the black hole that devoured my every carefully-chosen word, my every thought-out action
even my smiles were planned, I programmed the muscles of my face to produce a silent film- for your viewing pleasure
the only Oscar that my performance desired was your attention
but then I got it.
and then you took it away.
and now I realize that you do not hang the stars, I do.
I am in control of a constellation of emotions, bursting like a supernova behind my eyes
everything is changing and I am changing but I am here and you are not and if you come back it's too late because I'm already lost in space