friendship
intimate, trustworthy, fun
the kind of friendship that I didn't question
he's like my brother I would tell people
and you were so good to me
you would hold me as I cried over other boys who broke me
you would take me on spontaneous doughnut runs
you would help me move out of my dorm- doing all of the heavy lifting
that's just who you were
you lifted things when they were too heavy for me to handle
you carried my burdens for nothing in return.
more than friendship?
intimate, confusing, fun
I remember that night on your couch so vividly
The way you brushed my hair behind my ear and told me all of the things that were special about me- the pieces of my heart that you loved
And you said that you would never hurt me or leave me alone
I remember feeling so certain- so sure about you
In a way that I had never felt about any other man
I remember letting myself be completely bare
We've been friends for years; he already knows all of my wounds, I thought
And I let myself fall, I really did
With every midnight conversation. Every passionate kiss. Every knowing smile you would give me from across the room.
With every passing day, I was becoming more and more yours
I would even picture the future, our future
My unguarded heart rendered my mind susceptible to thoughts such as, "what would a life with him look like?"
strangers
distant, sudden, decidedly un-fun
your decision crashed over me like a wave pounds the sand
it was not pretty or easy or anything like I had imagined it to be
the equation of my future calculated you as a constant- not a variable
but there it was: your decision to let me go without my permission.
you chose to walk out of my life in a way that hurt me more than any legitimate breakup ever could
my "shoulder to cry on" suddenly became the source of my tears.
my dream about the future suddenly became an all-too-present nightmare.
my best friend became a stranger.
and I was entirely unprepared for the impact of my fall.
an ode to the past few months of my life lol