i have so much inside of me, my ribs crack open to show fields and fields of beautiful gardens of the most exotic flowers i have yet to discover. and these people walk through these fields hand-in-hand with me, plucking the petals off my beautiful flowers.

"oh, it’s okay. it’s just one petal. it was an accident." and i forgive.

but it happens again, and again, person after person, one petal.

one petal.

one petal.

and now i sit here with these partially destroyed daisies and empty stems that no one is going to accept as a gift.

but what i don’t understand is, why do you ask for the key to the garden if you have no intention of watering it? why do you walk though nature if your only plan is to destroy? why must you visit a place with destruction on your mind? how could you see something so innocent, a place with vibrant potential budding upon green leaves, and walk away with your vision in gray.

you say you love the sunshine, but you thrive in the rain. you close your curtains each morning at the thought of the sunrise and at the idea of a new day.

ultimately, i am the one to blame for sharing the blossoms within me with those who are not deserving. maybe that makes me naive, but maybe that makes me the stronger human being. because though they leave with pieces of me, they return to their monochromatic world with a piece of my flower.

"come here, you’re too far away"

yes, i am keeping my distance,

i have learned my lesson, you have taught me so well.

i have learned not to play with fire, and your skin is an inferno i know all too well.

i refuse to kiss my own blisters again, wrapping them in the one night stands of other lovers i know nothing of. this is what my healing is made of.

so when you come back to me with apologies, but all i see is the worn out deception in your eyes.

you play it out so well, the “i need some time, i’m not sure, i need space” card, the time the space it takes to find your way down into someone else’s world. i cannot be your back up plan again.

i am not a second string, i am an entire orchestra all on my own.

please do not be reluctant to sing along, but don’t you dare silence my voice; i’m not going to burn in your book of forgotten nights.

i am the kind of girl who deserves a ring, i am the kind of girl who walks down the aisle in a white dress while the choir sings, i am the girl who deserves your everything; and if you don’t believe that is me, please do not hesitate to leave.

my body is an empty shell,

a cave of stalagmites with history on the walls,

and my heartbeat echoes your name within me.

your silence is sitting on my chest like dead weight,

and your voice is lethal in my veins.

i never wanted to write about you leaving.

please don’t touch me.

i’ve lost all feeling in my body.

i cannot tell if you are scratching at my flesh,

or caressing the skin i once had.

i consider both to be the same.

fingertips burn like cigarettes,

lips sting like venom,

bodies slice like blades.

please don’t touch me,

for i’ve lost all sense of comfort.

a warm bed has become a prison

and a held hand has become a shackle.

i no longer know what it’s like to be freed.


all this has become a truth-

being that i remember soft skin and a gentle touch,

but not in the form of love.

i want you, glossy eyed and smiling.

warm, and forgetful.

i want you in the morning with the messy hair

and at night with the sleeping breaths.

i want you in the summer when your skin turns

and in the winter when your body is hidden.

i want you every way possible

**but i do not want this.

Being both the sunshine and the rain;

Holding everything in your hands,

but hindered by the scars on your skin

that not many are able to see.

I see.

(Only because i have them, too.)

Blind by biterness. crippled by forgotten words.

But i still linger to distract for reaction.

i’m overwhelmed and i’m swallowing all the words i don’t want to say

and every day i feel things that i don’t want to feel

and every night i dream things i never thought i’d dream

but you will never know because i don’t want to say.

i can’t understand what is happening in my heart or my head

they are constantly conflicted because

i want nothing more than a new body by my side

and words that match the passion.

i haven’t held a promised hand in so long

that i don’t remember how it feels to wake up secure in someone.

but

i crave the security in you.

i’ve been fighting the same war since spring

let go, let go, just wait.

battles always won by opposing body

bringing me further into the woods, i’m so lost.