You've left me without
the capacity to care
***** my trust and left it just
Lying there.

Racking
Ransacking
Looking for a
Reason. Any reason.

You ****** me
****** me over
****** her,
in your head.

I'm fatigued, and I'm
Jaded, and I'm
Betrayed beyond repair
And for all the king's horses...

I thought you had changed.

You’re upset,
So everything is
Okay.

I don’t know if I’m happy;
because I didn’t remember right away,
Or upset;
because I definitely feel weighted.

“It’s just a number,” I reassure;
just a number and just a boy,
And everything;
(Almost everything) that I’m missing.
That I lost.

I don’t know if I like that I;
remember, as I do,
Or if;
I like the privacy of it.
Of knowing.
Of you not knowing.

I do feel something, I don’t feel safe;
in the knowledge that I’d still take you back,
But you’ll never ask.

Broken and left,
but left by force
And now it's murky,
I can't see the course.

With you, without you,
You think you know better
But my feelings are contained,
in an unwritten letter.

The communication age,
is too much for me to bear
There's nothing I can do,
Without a reminder of you there.

In one way, in all ways,
in any way you can
You're sorry, you love me,
I'm ruining our plan.

I'm trying to keep sane,
Trying to just stay alright
But I feel like I'll surrender,
to the weakest of your fights.

I'm supposed to just go back to you,
Cause you've got "so much left to give,"
"You can't just move on,
and forget the life we planned to live."

I haven't forgotten
You've just turned it rotten

It's almost two weeks,
"It feels like two years!"
It feels like
two
minutes.
Maybe it's your ego
Maybe it's my body
Maybe we can forget it
and just
move
on.
"I can live without him,
I don't NEED to be treated
that way."
But I want to wash your hair
And that'd be less awkward
if we were
together.
I want to make your feet better
I want to make you feel better.
I want to bake together,
cookies and treats
I want to bake together,
in the foreign sun's heat.
I want you to learn
How to give me a massage
Because I know
that it'll make YOU feel good
inside.
**** it.
******* it.
We're meant to be
together.

It's not jealousy,
He's mine, I'm his,
But still I don't like,
How pretty she is.

I can't take it,
Don't want to shake it.
Give me a fast-forward button,
Or a reason not to need one.

You slap my hand and then we’re soulmates,
With “i love you” on a screen
And a hammer on a string.
It’s a secret mission,
A written-out scene.
It’s an undisclosed location,
And we’re shrouded in smoke, and
3am mist, and
Each other’s giddy company.
It’s fire in your eyes, and
It’s blood in my mouth, but
I volunteered to be your victim.
So I smile at Temptation,
And Danger licks her lips.

How come I always,
Get so caught up?
Wrong people,
Wrong places,
Half-empty cup.

You seemed an exception,
Like things were finally right.
I never,
No, never,
Even put up a fight.

I wish I had, now,
I could’ve had so much more.
If I could only,
If only,
Have just walked out that door.

With just a simple “sorry,”
You left a hollow in my chest.
I understand,
Please, understand,
You have to “do what’s best.”

And then there we both were,
Civility a struggle.
There’s her,
There’s always her,
I’m too much for you to juggle.

So all I’ve got now,
Are your footprints on my heart.
I miss you,
So much now,
Let’s go back to the start.

Drinking, smoking, skipping college,
Getting into fights that you don't start,
You put play before your work,
But that's just the way you are.

"Get out of my sight" or off the stage,
Your wink is soft, your anger's hard,
It seems to most, you've lost control,
But that's just the way you are.

I don't fit in, I never have,
You rebuke me, leave a mark,
Chancer, messing, cheeky, sly,
But that's just the way you are.

Yet all of this, and all of you'd
Miss half your worth by far,
It's senseless and you won't agree,
But that's just the way you are.

"How did she end up with him?"
And when did all this start?
Your play is work you want to keep,
But that's just the way you are.

And so we'll wait to tell the world,
Our lethargic, secret plan.
Sure, I could take it in my stride,
But that's not the way I am.

The shower doors won't close properly,
and neither will
my eyes.
The water's getting in
The soap's getting in
The fear's
setting
in.
"He wanted her."
Past tense, I tell myself,
Let It Go.
And I have to, cause the water's
running cold.

I'm grumpy, upset, annoyed at you,
I'm in a bad mood
again.
Angry? No, not angry. Never quite
angry. Never (quite.)
He loves me, he keeps telling me.
"He tells you all the time."

I don't know why
I Need this doubt.
But it makes me need to
Try.

I think I’ve found your heart
And it’s beating me senseless.

Even so,
I love that you asked.
Just because you shouldn’t, but also because
I like
to think
it really does work.
You’re wild, and
untamed, and
electrically charged, but I want to be your battery.
We misspell words to look like your name,
But it can’t be as good as the real thing, or
you, and it doesn’t match up.
We like the same things,
But only when
it matters, and also when
we’ll get in trouble.
I want you to be serious but I think it might
Hurt
And not in the way your kisses do.
I want you to find me, beat me up,
And make it better with your teeth and your hidden heart.

Sturdy, solid and utterly
Unbreakable, it's meant to be
Forever. It's going to be
Forever. It's a fact,
Or so we take it.
Crystal clear,
And yet strong as diamond.
Time is not a problem. Time is not an
Issue.
Of which we have
None.

Tie a knot in my bedpost
And bury my feet in your floor,
With yellow hands
And fanged eyes in your smile.
I don’t want to let go,
But forgive me if I ask.
Sometimes
I miss you,
Even when you’re right here.

"You smell like chocolate."
Yes, but
You smell just the same
As you always have. And
It makes me forget
That I'm not
Supposed
To care.

I'm half over you, but
Still trying to get
Under.
Don't let me.
I'd just blame you.

Two years past, and
one year since.
But it's the latter we celebrate,
the former is
whispered. It was
Confusion and Cruelty.
It was apologies, and
betrayal.
We're safe, now.
I'm safe, and
I feel so. In your arms,
out of your arms,
but they're never far away.
Tá domhan úrnua againn,
and we won't mess it up.
We don't fear the future.
We recall without worry.
Now is harder, but we're saving it
for later.
There's so much to do
and so much to not,
and we've intertwined individuality.
I can't see the border,
but I don't really try.

We're safe now.

You have me convinced,
Just by admitting you wonder.
A bit of you… just a little bit…
Yet still more,
Than ever I could have hoped.

Lifetimes ago, had only I known,
When I am older…
But what of now?
You're persuasive.
So much more than you know.

Lost in a desert of rights and wrongs,
With a list of pros and a list of cons.
I can't quite tell my left from right,
But I can't stand here figuring it out all night.

I know what you need, and I know what you want,
Yet you're stubbornly wearing these terms back-to-front.
You confuse me, you use me,  you tell me it's Love,
But falling for your charms is something I could be above.

So I'll make myself happy, in my own ****** way,
Even though you won't support me, no matter what you say.
Leave him alone, leave me alone, please just let us be,
And you can do what you want, without a word from me.

For the first time in forever, I can feel a sort of trust,
But it isn't meant for you, and it's certainly not for "us."
I want to cut you out of me, for more than just right now,
And for the first time in forever, I'm starting to see how.

Let me climb into your lap
And kiss your eyes closed
Because I love the way they shine
And I don’t want them looking
When I follow your rules
And you break mine.

I can't be alone,
So I'm cradled, I'm held,
But my feet are just left
Dangling.

You're nothing to me, you're
Nothing to me.
You're nothing
To me, you're necessary.

I need you to be here,
I need you to go.
And I need to leave, and be
On my own.

But I don't know how!
To do things my way,
I don't know how
To not depend.

I'm clinging, I'm hanging, I'm
Clutching at straws.
I shake, pry open
My own clamped jaws.

And as I walk away again,
So much of me dies.
Forever the girl
With the sad eyes.

Just the other morning I watched a blackbird.
It flitted through the unexpected sunshine,
Drawn, as they are, to the feeder in my garden.
This one, though, overshot its path.
It was flying so fast,
It didn't see the glass.
Death was instantaneous.

This morning I saw death of another kind.
Ethereal, yet just as unexpected.
"Maybe I got complacent, maybe I didn't think."
And the centre of my body is flickering.
I didn't expect to find flaw,
I couldn't have seen the fall.
Death comes slowly

and now it's down to you.

Shake on it, high five, and then
Seal it with a kiss.
"Greatest Couple Ever"
With a grin or a metal face.

And we're so very close now, but it's
Baby Steps and uncertainty.
Because you're in love with ideas, and I'm
In love with impossibility.

Dance me to the sound
Of everything we could have, but don’t.
Whisper to me the sweet everythings
Of anger, and hatred, betrayal
And technical terms.
Take my hand in yours;
Give me a button sequence,
And write your name.
Switch song and try sing along.
But it’s called the future,
And you don’t know the words.

And you're going to stage me, you said.
Us, and you'd love me to go along
to it - with it, but I don't want to
put you off.
They'll share our secrets, unknowingly.
They all will.
Medicine cabinets in the rain,
collecting water, dripping
secrets, and were you a song
you'd hold significance.
Somehow.

I wonder how she's feeling,
And if she'll ever know.
I'll invite her to the wedding,
And see if she will go.

It's as soon as you leave, that
The Worry
sets
in.
It's never been there, it's always
been there.
Because I know just what
You're capable of.
I know too much, I don't know
enough, but still
More than I should.
And as you lay there, sleeping,
I know that this
is how
it's meant to be, it has to be, it Needs
to be.
It Needs to be.

It's what I wanted,
What I always wanted.
Always.
(That's what I keep telling myself;
repeating it.
Repeating.)

But now I don't think,
that I want it anymore.
I think.
It's scary, and it's
difficult, and it's
Full of Meaning.
I do still want
it.
And this makes it easier.

To justify.

You are where the wild begins
You’re the stub of all my sins
You’re the steps around the bend
You are how the world must end.