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2.4k · Dec 2013
mummy.
katie Dec 2013
I know
I'm your second chance
at life.
I'm the second you.
Pressure.
I'm not doing too well
and neither are you.

4 kids. Depressed. Hopeless. Crying under the stars.

I cut. I purge. I fast. I cry. I keep too many secrets.

we were meant for each other.
We just weren't meant to be.
1.7k · Jan 2014
disgust
katie Jan 2014
To fill an empty mind
with an emptier stomach.
my brain does not belong to me
it belongs to the creatures who chain my mind
torture my freedom of thought
and cackle at my appetite in their chokey of secrets.
killing my mother friends and lover
with the secrets
they make me keep
locked inside my mind.
i want the smell and taste and texture and idea of food.
i do not want to eat
what i don't deserve.

the guilt sorrow and anger stirs my stew
or lies rumours and inevitable attention seeking.

"attention seeking"
what attention is worth this way?
no fame no fortune
not even beauty.
just disgust.
pure disgust on all parts.

I'm sorry i cause these fights.
I'm sorry you can't love me.
Its not your fault.
I'm sorry you have to look at me.
I'm sorry you see my thighs and stomach.
I'm sorry my broken mind won't let us be.
I'm sorry my lips are sealed.
I'm sorry I can't make you understand.

what could i have done in a past life
to deserve
this body
this mind?
1.5k · Jan 2014
pure flesh
katie Jan 2014
I found you in the hum of a dying july
in the sleeping age of stinging summer days
the panic of daylight savings
and a fear of the dark.
you settle for me like you settle for the cheapest pair of socks when you're in a hurry.
everyone's in their own hurries.
all you needed was something to put your flesh into.
all I wanted was someone to spill my soul out to.
my own vat of whispers and lies was somehow overflowing.
you don't love me.
in every secret your green eyes whisper
every preserved thought
you tell me you don't love me.
behind every flutter of my eyelash
flick of my hair
tousle of my skirts that you never notice
or tear i withhold that you couldn't give a **** about
there is a girl quivering
scared of womanhood and scared of manhood.
assaulted in the dark of a summers midnight
both a rarity.
you don't ask. You don't care. You don't love me.
you lie.
i lie.
we all lie.
but none of us truly love.
that's what 17 years and 6 months with you has taught me.

we touch we kiss we sing we dance
my tongue on yours
your hands in mine
my thighs round you
your **** soft as a babies laugh.
because we are purely flesh.
i wouldn't tell you my secrets
if my life ******* depended on it.
so don't give me your ****.
you dwell on her.
like a fly on ****.
you love her.
but you settle for someone who doesn't love you.
this is *******.

i once read that soul mates find each other because
soul mates seek shelter in the same places.
we found each other in the dark.
i do not seek shelter there.
1.5k · Jan 2014
a small lingering nuisance
katie Jan 2014
Hi there, I'm a bruise.
I'm a pretty colour and a funny shape
I'm a little cloud of your broken blood vessels.
ive been punched into your flesh
perhaps an accident.
perhaps fate.

maybe I'm here to express an anger with the world
maybe I'm a product of boredom or self-hatred
maybe I'm here to annoy your parents
maybe I'm here to show everyone you don't care about looks
maybe I'm here because your addicted to pain the way im addicted to you.

i crave your blood to give me my pretty colour
you'll forget about me in a week
you're my everything; i wouldn't be here without you
im a small mark on your upper thigh or arm.
im bright and purple proud to be a part of you
you hide me away because you're secretly ashamed.

you'll go on to discover your own greatness
and forget about the little bruise on your life.
the crazy ***** who pulled you down like an anchor
for a few months.

i will happily fade from your skins
from your life.
i will happily disappear and let you go
because i need you more than you need me.
you'll sail your ship to brilliance
and forget about that little bruise.
ill never forget you.
1.5k · Dec 2013
ugh boots
katie Dec 2013
lets go for a Starbucks and instagram our every move;
lets document our lives via Facebook photo filter;
lets make cocktails that we'll never drink and only photograph and that we'll stir with sticks we'd rather stab into each others eyes;
lets stretch our skin into smiles so noone will say but they thought you were friends.
lets drink lambrini because she doesn't like *****;
lets not ask if she doesn't like ***** because she might show some human emotion or express feeling about her parents' loveless marriage and her tutu barbie pink childhood;
lets go to parties and not remember them
because we didn't do anything except pose for flashes for people we don't like but strive to satisfy;

lets paint our lips with the colour of secrets:
untold tales of how mummy and daddy hate each other;
or how girls are more attractive than boys;
or that Oscar Wilde will always be hotter than Justin Bieber.

the art of being a "white" girl.
white because there can be no colour in a dictatorship.
she strings her puppets,
has them clap their hands and polish her shoes
when really
WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR
1.3k · Dec 2013
The Bathtub.
katie Dec 2013
Privacy to sing;
             to think;
             to dance;
             to slice.

to be or not to be

left with my thoughts
let them stir themselves
like a spoilt stew
or limp, useless, worthless, rotten meat
that's good for nothing.
dead and left for
flies and worms;

i hath made worms meat of me.

deserted and alone
with my inner most thoughts;
                                desires;
                                wants;
                                passions;  

My sacred groove
My sanctity
My hollow alter and
Ceramic pool of most holiest
tap water.
Locked.

Where noone can capture
my hunchback, deformed, depressed
thoughts and passions
As I Cry
Sanctity.

where they cannot be killed
where i can bow so stubborn knees
but
not regret the effects of mine crimes?

help angels, make assay.

i am naked
i am relieved
i am pleasured
i am truthful
in this hollow tub of release
i thank whoever invented indoor plumbing
for my madness and sanity

for all that glitters is not gold.
1.3k · Dec 2013
Untitled
katie Dec 2013
To be a Mrs Joe
or become a lady
Havisham?
I weep for him
I weep for him
I weep for him and me.
I lose tears salted with his stress
or his concealed thoughts plugging up
his brilliant mind
i weep
about him, about me
about us

there's no shame in being pure
we're all pure at once
there's no shame.
To him there is.
in the doubts of his voice and tongue
there is shame.

i love him.

i love him with everything i have
everything i see
everything i believe or know
i willingly give to him but
he loves me not.
ill slip him some purple petals
dipped in yellow stigmas or become
a ghost of a girlfriend.
a ghoul of a lover.

one insignificant link in a long shackled chain of
exs
forever bound in his vast memory and mind
as
"*****" "cow" "****" "ungrateful" "unworthy"

Am I Cleoparra?
Mrs Joe? Havisham?
Estella?

I have no twinkling green eyes
i have no slender waist or
vast, indefeatable wit
i have no enigmatic undeniable beauty
That would quake the heavens and make angels sing and string Apollo's lyre
or beam such light that would Diana's breast
i am insignificant
.unspecial.
he is special.

i believe in no such god
but he would be my proof
my tear of hope
a small ray of belief and defiance
tearing apart a black unbelieving universe

i am a passing pair of peepers
he'll see a million as insignificant as i

ill only know a love like this
once.
For him.

he should live forever
he will
if not this world in a wasteland

am i Estella?
Cleopatra? Mrs Joe?
Miss Havisham?
1.2k · Jan 2014
s a d
katie Jan 2014
Sunshine yawns, stretches and cracks through the sullen black out curtains of december.
it shudders my eyes to see what's like an earthquake in the sky.
mighty cries of yellow and gold speed through the coal of my horizon like a bamboo vine
like the wrinkles and ***** of an old school football beaten and broken by the ***** shoes of nasty schoolboys
frightening the mighty oppressors.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I walk
I with a capital I because the quake of light resolves my sadness for a second or two.

a stillness in the air that
all that is lost is lost
and all that is won is won
and all we can do is rejoice in the now.

the light
presses the skeletons of naked wintered trees onto the bus' window
now pale and murky with the last of the black frost.
their bony fingers wrapped around my bus with the natural cradle of a mother to her new born babe.
I am one.
white puffs of yes tickle the big blue pond of nothingness while
steel bands of gold stretch across what was once such a dark and frightening place where i would become withered and broken as a plant beside a patient,
dying with them.
stretches over me like I'm looking up from beneath the bridge
instead of down to the sea below.

the sunlight washes an old town in gold
making it clean again.
the darkness is over and the new has begun.
all we have to do
hell, all we can do
is absorb it.
experience it.
survive it.
my pestering thoughts join me in looking across at what has been the source or so many sleepless nights for me and others;
together in peace for a few tender moments,
a football game in 1914, Christmas day.
January is now
spring is now
life is now.
he is here.
sunlight has awoken and is laughing with me once more.
I am in love.
and I am happy.

the bells of spring
peel like the layers of darkness above my head.
life is infinite once more
and the sunlight dances on the grave of sadness
and the world plays in major chord again.
katie Dec 2013
There is no great guide and conductor
taking you through some great plan.
you wont get through any golden gates
because you were scared into doing good.
chances are chances and wishes are wishes,
not a preplanned destiny.
Do things because theyre right
not because some character in the clouds
told you to.

guide yourself through good and bad
have faith in that maybe we're responsible
for our own greatness.
have faith in us as a species and not a
sim-ulated play mate.

i sleep with a light on
because I'm scared of the dark.
my mind tells me there are dangers of the dark.
sleeping in the dark wont hurt me.
in many ways the dark is my light.
you might think so too.
katie Jan 2014
It will be a hot day in July.
the kind that cuddles you.
like a padded cell.
insulation.
ill have lost maybe another 20/30lbs
i still wont have a good excuse in McDonalds
but these morons, who even cares what they think.
its just dust between their ears.  
ill take my scotch and my cigarettes
with me.
we'll have our usual 8 hours of
non-stop
drinking.
Tequila.
*****.
Scotch.
Wines.
Fishbowls.
C­ocktails.
kissing laughing *** drugs
flashes of scars from a flare of a skirt but
people are too polite to save anyone's life.
Tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.
she told me a few months back that i should see someone.
we fell out.
because she knew.
and i couldn't make her crazy too
i love her too much.
the best friend i ever had.
Ill tell all my friends i love them.
Ill say goodbye to him.
and that ill love him
forever.
no matter what.
ill take some more pills.
all the pills you could dream of.
50? Maybe 100?
like a kid in a candy shop.
ill feel my escape route appear
like a tunnel the baddies would use in ****** Doo.
it will appear
and tunnel through my veins.
i wont cry.
ill watch the stars until they disappear.
and that's my plan.

The Rest Is Silence.
845 · Jan 2014
lurking.
katie Jan 2014
Hair tied tightly in her mothers favourite pleats
as tight as the chains that aren't there.
A pretty white sundress dress
for a pretty pure girl
living in the so-called summer of her life.

A ****** touch strokes across her chest
a touch that doesn't belong to her
an *****
black as the coal she would've got for christmas
if saints existed.
cross her heart and hope hope hope to die.

a little black book called the mind
buttoned, fastened and chained
so her demons don't escape.
tormenting her freewill and appetite.
enough.
her poor mother.
if she knew they'd get her too.
keeps them locked behind her ribs and eyes.
a prisoner, master of her own dungeon.
a tormented soul
an angel living among demons
white wings torn and tainted
by their words and actions.
evil.

every man, woman and child for themselves.
you don't know who or what
is lurking.
you're not alone.
noone can hear you scream from the space inside your mind.

.
840 · Dec 2013
alphabet bandages
katie Dec 2013
folding the pages to an escape
consume the clarity
worth the calories?
cut cut cut
you ate. You stupid *****.

the edible woman.
girl, interrupted.

my eyes track along the shapes of my sanctity
a little train to my escape
i run as fast as my eyes can carry me.
isolated in my alphabets

my bell jar.

the Grecian shapes have fenced around me
but I'm snug as a gun.
and i cannot force myself to my own conceit.

Seamus Heaney
Shakespeare

my true friends.
listen to me. Speak to me
through their squiggles and stories.
who don't ask me to eat.
826 · Jan 2014
summertime
katie Jan 2014
Let it be summer.
let me drown myself in the hot sweet summer warmth
where the air is hot
and the dragon in my lungs' fire is challenged with the light and warmth of the nighttime.
let me drink and dance and ****
let me not **** him.
lies.
that's what we tell each other.
that's what we tell ourselves.
with my lips
i cannot lie.
i am honest.
with my eyes i can tell stories you wouldn't imagine in your wildest dreams.
let me look up to see the sun kissing me goodnight through the skeletons of trees and dreams of my own future.
let me dance and jump and be happy.
let me rejoice in that I'm not dead yet
and at that moment in time i don't seek to be.
let me remains infinite in that moment forever.
799 · Dec 2013
the key to eternal freedom
katie Dec 2013
The stuff of bliss
keep it
in your breast.

The stuff that makes you thunder with laughter
when you fall or dampen or **** or burp;
the stuff that makes you spread your lips
when they kiss you;
the stuff that makes your priorities
surround sneaking out to see the moon
or desiring to blister in the sun just to have a touch of another land;
the magic that means you don't take life
seriously at all;
that makes you cry, laugh and scream with anger.

keep the magic that makes you express
pound against your ribs, under your breast.
until it dies with you.
790 · Jan 2014
1/2
katie Jan 2014
1/2
In my minds eye
if i let myself see 25
ill have a small apartment
do a questionable amount of drugs
drink an understandable quantity of spirits
and be the happiest I'll ever be.
living on ***** and a small wage
let the world run through my fingers
quick sand
we'll all laugh and drink and ****
make stories for grand kids
that will never be.
the happiest time of my existence.
And for the life of a sad soul
i can never imagine you there.
I'm sorry.
729 · Feb 2014
what happened
katie Feb 2014
What happend
to the days when we'd hold hands
and have conversations that flowed
like my crimson river that would
never infect our relationship.
what happend to
when id feel your cold hands travel
up my spine and not care
that i got shivers from them.
what happend to
the time when id fall asleep on your chest
but you'd kiss my forehead
just before i dosed off completely.
what happend to when all my
bad dreams had you as a hero
and when all my naughty dreams had
you as a bad boy.
what happend to when you'd
play with my curls and tell me i was pretty
or say i didn't need to stop eating again.
what happend to when you'd
text goodnight or
apologise for falling asleep without saying goodnight.

notice none of these are questions,
because we both ******* know
what happend.
i happend.
you happend.
she happend.
717 · Jan 2014
idk
katie Jan 2014
idk
You've never taken bad news well
I've never been that good at creating bad news.
I live to please and
you live to hear how pleasant you are.
how could this not work?

My apparent appetite for destruction shone through.

i live to protect you.
i wrap my scarred arms around you
preserve your untouched innocence.
but who protects me in such a land of gods and monsters?
noone.
not you.

so why do i find it so hard to say goodbye?
we do nothing for each other.
you feed off me like a leech
i lay and let you like roadkill.
this needs to end.

but who will end it all?
677 · Jan 2014
sorry
katie Jan 2014
The pulsing goo in my skull
torn between
my better judgement and
my human nature.
i ward you off
but i crave you near.
i apologise for my mixed emotions.
i want to protect you
but my pulse sends out an echo
for comfort.
i want to be held
but i slip into the tall shadow of
human nature.
i don't know how to end this
my mind tells me to
end it but keep it going.
i don't know what to
do or say.
I'm just
sorry sorry sorry.
669 · Jan 2014
the innocent guilty
katie Jan 2014
Killing me.
that's what you're doing.
making parallels.
using parallels.

take those parallels.
scrunch them up.
wrap them up in your fist
call them your own
keep them warm in your hand
in your safety
drive them secretly insane.
your innocence.
my mind.

take your squiggled straight lines.
reapply them.
that's what you're really doing to me.
(killing becomes "kissing" when you "scrunch" the l shapes (the parallels))
662 · Dec 2013
l'armour
katie Dec 2013
Lost in you.
like Alice lost in her burrow.
falling, falling
uncontrollable.
embracing your gravity.

i bury my head in your chest.
your smell enters my lungs.
ill keep it locked there forever.
Comfort.
your hand strokes under the old wool that covers me;
your bare skin on mine.
Your hand feeling the ridges of my spine
that i wish would protrude more.
I wish I was perfect for you.

i adore your touch.
I crave your lips.
Speaking singing kissing quarrelling.
i burrow into you like the rabbit into it's home.
i feel safe and protected.
I am.
You are.

My protector.
My force field. Protecting me against the world.
You kiss my cheekbones and collarbones
unknowing that they're my best features
because they are visible, tangible,
evidence.
feeling your kiss is euphoria.
your touch could end the world.
i love you.

i can fall into you.
i can collapse.

I can unfold all my secrets
as if you were to pick a colour and number for me to tell you if you'd be rich some day.
Teenage lovers.
Lost in lust and so the called meaningless poetry of a fresh and first love's so keen sting.

I demolish all walls and guards.
I lose all control. But i feel safe.

you know i don't eat,
you know I'm ******* crazy.
you know in searching for my own controls.
you come back still.
my protector.
my sweet and only love.
650 · Feb 2014
the innocence
katie Feb 2014
Days that would last for weeks
the hot heavens glaring down
on our small confused bodies.
being an aries, the year of the rat, the sign of the ram:
it all meant something.
i let those years fall through my
chubby untouched hands.
craving the hour id lose my virginity
have my first sip of teenage love
and burn my tongue.
i miss not worrying all the time.
if my hair fell out it was because
my sisters braided it too tight.
if i cried it was for bambi's mum
or a skint knee.
boys were for racing and climbing with.
i had a *** bottom and a poo bottom.
i didn't know my dad and I didn't have to.
my mum was my everything.
my mum never cried.
she didn't even have a first name.
i crave Velcro on my pink power-puff-girl shows
that lit up when i raced the boys,
when swear words were forbidden,
and baby's came from seeds, implanted via special bellybutton key.
i was tall and thin with dark hair and dark eyes.
these were just things.
spots were marks my sister got and hormones were a foreign country.
i didn't care about my thighs or my hair or my teeth
or the colours i wore or the size of my waist.
i wanted to race on my scooter
racing from dragons and robbers and wizards and dinosaurs
into the realms of boyfriends, *******, spots and ***.
i thought it would be magical to be in such a hurricane of adolescence.
but my dragons and light up trainers are a magic we only taste one.
i crave the innocence.
624 · Dec 2013
the hunger games
katie Dec 2013
These lightning bolts
these forks of electricity
what drove Billy Elliot to dance
is driving me to be happy

hunger pains;
the closest to magic ill ever know

the closest to wonder ill ever feel

5 or 6 days
no food
just numbers
just food

addicted to the pain
that crippled me in two
that sheds salt from my eyes
it means its working
all my hard work is paying off.
ill become skinnier
less of a beast
less of a fat ape
less of a life potato.

drop a few pounds
bragging about the time i fasted for 8 days and
lost 16lbs.
beautiful.

collar bones
jaw bones
ribs
hips
femurs
transform me.
613 · Jan 2014
Untitled
katie Jan 2014
Torn limb from limb
trying to keep this chain together for you
shackling to the prison of my mind
just to see you smile.
every fibre of my being
used in this patchwork quilt
that I'm desperately trying to stitch
when i should be stitching my wrists back together.
a party of one
i stay awake at night
while you nestle in my patchwork creation.
602 · Jan 2014
idk
katie Jan 2014
idk
You've never taken bad news well
I've never been that good at creating bad news.
I live to please and
you live to hear how pleasant you are.
how could this not work?

My apparent appetite for destruction shone through.

i live to protect you.
i wrap my scarred arms around you
preserve your untouched innocence.
but who protects me in such a land of gods and monsters?
noone.
not you.

so why do i find it so hard to say goodbye?
we do nothing for each other.
you feed off me like a leech
i lay and let you like roadkill.
this needs to end.

but who will end it all?
584 · Dec 2013
craig
katie Dec 2013
i need Your hand in mine forever.
i crave your thumb's pulse breathing on mine.
you say you love me too.
our thumbs entwined;
they can break these bricks
they can set us free
from all the *******.
550 · Jan 2014
time
katie Jan 2014
I want it to be summertime
i yearn for the carefree says before
the stress panic and fists around my essential organs clench once more.
but that's the trick with life.
Time.
Time is a shallow swamp you must wade through.
It takes as long as it wants and we are all
pawns in its game.
all we can do is spend it wisely.
or drink yourself into a fuzzy grave.
katie Dec 2013
i still feel the urge
of the clear water of escape and roughly 90 sleepy circles,
and the call of the shiny one who shows me my own
haemoglobin.
i still want to float away to the clouds in silence
in the still air of tranquility of nothingness
i still yearn to be nothingness
to become the air we breath

but i cant bare to leave you.
not here.
540 · Dec 2013
c u next Tuesday xo
katie Dec 2013
i embarrass him.
its obvious
the lies. the glances.
i know.

all i can do is stop eating again
and  jog for a few more hours.
but even then he'd think i was a freak.

he doesn't care about
what these boys have done to me.
scaring me half to death.
he doesn't care i wont eat for 4 days before i see him.

i just embarrass him.
that's all he wants to know.
that's all he cares about.
496 · Dec 2013
Rhona.
katie Dec 2013
She cries.
why
i don't know
why
a terrible sister.
My Baby.

Her little earths;
sky blues, criss-crossed like what is
a lime electric bolt
darting, swimming
round a black hole
dilated in the dark
as she weeps
they become inflamed little earths
floating in the lava of her distress.

passion of
sadness anger happiness guilt
i do not know.
her soft white cheeks
now puffed and flushed

she breathes heavily
disguises her body's cries for help
wiping her button nose.
now wet.
her own winter.
she weeps i don't know why

i ask
i make jokes about mutual dislikes

she smiles;
she slips her fair lips
into a bended shape
lets her eyebrows drop down when she thinks i wont look
her beautiful blues watering with her gloss
release one last drop of her ocean

a whole tsunami to me.

she weeps.
my throat chokes up
i love her
she cannot be sad
i love her.
My Baby
sister.
i love her.
im a terrible protector.
i love her i must
protect her.
450 · Mar 2014
Untitled
katie Mar 2014
To die
to sleep no more, we say,
to end the heartache.
to **** one's self
to end the heartache.
selfish of me
to want to die
to **** myself
but selfish of you
to blame me for your discomfort,
i have too much discomfort of my own,
but im happy to share.
the rest is silence.
selfish of me to want to end the torment
morally correct of you to revive me back into
this life.
interrupted in the music of being seventeen.
the summer of my life
is too hot.
i stick to myself
the bubble i exist in
grows bigger hotter clamier.

i suffocate.
i take 50 paracetemol and a half bottle to bed.
i **** myself every day.
im already dead.
im selfish.
but its fine for you to want to keep me here.
you suffocate inmorally correct of you to revive me back into
this life.
interrupted in the music of being seventeen.
the summer of my life
is too hot.
i stick to myself
the bubble i exist in
grows bigger hotter clamier.

i suffocate.
i take 50 paracetemol and a half bottle to bed.
i **** myself every day.
im already dead.
im selfish.
but its fine for you to want to keep me here.
you suffocate in your guilt
a summertime sadness.
430 · Dec 2013
infinitely
katie Dec 2013
Everything.
i love everything about you.

each Fluttering Blonde Eyelash
grant wishes that i can only hope of

each crease in your Lips
every rib of their soft pink kisses leave

each flicker of your Blue Green Silver Yellow Eyes
smiling at me without moving your Mouth.

i love your Hands
find their way around
my waste
without your eyes
despite its disgusting 9 meter span.

i love how You know what im thinking
or atleast the things i let my eyes tell you.

i love Everything about you.
i love You.

Infinitely.
428 · Mar 2014
eating the apple of Craig
katie Mar 2014
Original sin.
female sin.
my fault.
i take your sweet ripening self
your blossoming fruit
and i crush it down to the vinegar of an old soul.
what should sweeten the summer of your life
leaves a bad taste in both our mouthes.
with each new crunch i lose
my apple chewing teeth.
you can't won't don't
touch me
i couldn't wouldn't shouldn't
end this.
ripen me. nourish me. fuel me.
my knight who doesn't know it
and never will.
ill love you forever, Craig.
im sorry sorry sorry.
396 · Dec 2013
Untitled
katie Dec 2013
With every fragment and fibre of my being brain body soul and spirit
I love you and I'll die for you.
You don't need to love me back.
You can hate me.
But this love exists inside of me;
a most dark and dorset place.

You don't need to love me back.
Because we existed once.
at one point.
And That's all i really need.

— The End —