The pulsing goo in my skull
torn between
my better judgement and
my human nature.
i ward you off
but i crave you near.
i apologise for my mixed emotions.
i want to protect you
but my pulse sends out an echo
for comfort.
i want to be held
but i slip into the tall shadow of
human nature.
i don't know how to end this
my mind tells me to
end it but keep it going.
i don't know what to
do or say.
I'm just
sorry sorry sorry.

In my minds eye
if i let myself see 25
ill have a small apartment
do a questionable amount of drugs
drink an understandable quantity of spirits
and be the happiest I'll ever be.
living on ***** and a small wage
let the world run through my fingers
quick sand
we'll all laugh and drink and ****
make stories for grand kids
that will never be.
the happiest time of my existence.
And for the life of a sad soul
i can never imagine you there.
I'm sorry.

Torn limb from limb
trying to keep this chain together for you
shackling to the prison of my mind
just to see you smile.
every fibre of my being
used in this patchwork quilt
that I'm desperately trying to stitch
when i should be stitching my wrists back together.
a party of one
i stay awake at night
while you nestle in my patchwork creation.

Let it be summer.
let me drown myself in the hot sweet summer warmth
where the air is hot
and the dragon in my lungs' fire is challenged with the light and warmth of the nighttime.
let me drink and dance and ****
let me not **** him.
lies.
that's what we tell each other.
that's what we tell ourselves.
with my lips
i cannot lie.
i am honest.
with my eyes i can tell stories you wouldn't imagine in your wildest dreams.
let me look up to see the sun kissing me goodnight through the skeletons of trees and dreams of my own future.
let me dance and jump and be happy.
let me rejoice in that I'm not dead yet
and at that moment in time i don't seek to be.
let me remains infinite in that moment forever.

I found you in the hum of a dying july
in the sleeping age of stinging summer days
the panic of daylight savings
and a fear of the dark.
you settle for me like you settle for the cheapest pair of socks when you're in a hurry.
everyone's in their own hurries.
all you needed was something to put your flesh into.
all I wanted was someone to spill my soul out to.
my own vat of whispers and lies was somehow overflowing.
you don't love me.
in every secret your green eyes whisper
every preserved thought
you tell me you don't love me.
behind every flutter of my eyelash
flick of my hair
tousle of my skirts that you never notice
or tear i withhold that you couldn't give a **** about
there is a girl quivering
scared of womanhood and scared of manhood.
assaulted in the dark of a summers midnight
both a rarity.
you don't ask. You don't care. You don't love me.
you lie.
i lie.
we all lie.
but none of us truly love.
that's what 17 years and 6 months with you has taught me.

we touch we kiss we sing we dance
my tongue on yours
your hands in mine
my thighs round you
your **** soft as a babies laugh.
because we are purely flesh.
i wouldn't tell you my secrets
if my life ******* depended on it.
so don't give me your ****.
you dwell on her.
like a fly on ****.
you love her.
but you settle for someone who doesn't love you.
this is *******.

i once read that soul mates find each other because
soul mates seek shelter in the same places.
we found each other in the dark.
i do not seek shelter there.