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katie Jan 2014
It will be a hot day in July.
the kind that cuddles you.
like a padded cell.
insulation.
ill have lost maybe another 20/30lbs
i still wont have a good excuse in McDonalds
but these morons, who even cares what they think.
its just dust between their ears.  
ill take my scotch and my cigarettes
with me.
we'll have our usual 8 hours of
non-stop
drinking.
Tequila.
*****.
Scotch.
Wines.
Fishbowls.
C­ocktails.
kissing laughing *** drugs
flashes of scars from a flare of a skirt but
people are too polite to save anyone's life.
Tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.
she told me a few months back that i should see someone.
we fell out.
because she knew.
and i couldn't make her crazy too
i love her too much.
the best friend i ever had.
Ill tell all my friends i love them.
Ill say goodbye to him.
and that ill love him
forever.
no matter what.
ill take some more pills.
all the pills you could dream of.
50? Maybe 100?
like a kid in a candy shop.
ill feel my escape route appear
like a tunnel the baddies would use in ****** Doo.
it will appear
and tunnel through my veins.
i wont cry.
ill watch the stars until they disappear.
and that's my plan.

The Rest Is Silence.
katie Jan 2014
Killing me.
that's what you're doing.
making parallels.
using parallels.

take those parallels.
scrunch them up.
wrap them up in your fist
call them your own
keep them warm in your hand
in your safety
drive them secretly insane.
your innocence.
my mind.

take your squiggled straight lines.
reapply them.
that's what you're really doing to me.
(killing becomes "kissing" when you "scrunch" the l shapes (the parallels))
katie Jan 2014
Sunshine yawns, stretches and cracks through the sullen black out curtains of december.
it shudders my eyes to see what's like an earthquake in the sky.
mighty cries of yellow and gold speed through the coal of my horizon like a bamboo vine
like the wrinkles and ***** of an old school football beaten and broken by the ***** shoes of nasty schoolboys
frightening the mighty oppressors.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I walk
I with a capital I because the quake of light resolves my sadness for a second or two.

a stillness in the air that
all that is lost is lost
and all that is won is won
and all we can do is rejoice in the now.

the light
presses the skeletons of naked wintered trees onto the bus' window
now pale and murky with the last of the black frost.
their bony fingers wrapped around my bus with the natural cradle of a mother to her new born babe.
I am one.
white puffs of yes tickle the big blue pond of nothingness while
steel bands of gold stretch across what was once such a dark and frightening place where i would become withered and broken as a plant beside a patient,
dying with them.
stretches over me like I'm looking up from beneath the bridge
instead of down to the sea below.

the sunlight washes an old town in gold
making it clean again.
the darkness is over and the new has begun.
all we have to do
hell, all we can do
is absorb it.
experience it.
survive it.
my pestering thoughts join me in looking across at what has been the source or so many sleepless nights for me and others;
together in peace for a few tender moments,
a football game in 1914, Christmas day.
January is now
spring is now
life is now.
he is here.
sunlight has awoken and is laughing with me once more.
I am in love.
and I am happy.

the bells of spring
peel like the layers of darkness above my head.
life is infinite once more
and the sunlight dances on the grave of sadness
and the world plays in major chord again.
katie Jan 2014
Hi there, I'm a bruise.
I'm a pretty colour and a funny shape
I'm a little cloud of your broken blood vessels.
ive been punched into your flesh
perhaps an accident.
perhaps fate.

maybe I'm here to express an anger with the world
maybe I'm a product of boredom or self-hatred
maybe I'm here to annoy your parents
maybe I'm here to show everyone you don't care about looks
maybe I'm here because your addicted to pain the way im addicted to you.

i crave your blood to give me my pretty colour
you'll forget about me in a week
you're my everything; i wouldn't be here without you
im a small mark on your upper thigh or arm.
im bright and purple proud to be a part of you
you hide me away because you're secretly ashamed.

you'll go on to discover your own greatness
and forget about the little bruise on your life.
the crazy ***** who pulled you down like an anchor
for a few months.

i will happily fade from your skins
from your life.
i will happily disappear and let you go
because i need you more than you need me.
you'll sail your ship to brilliance
and forget about that little bruise.
ill never forget you.
katie Dec 2013
There is no great guide and conductor
taking you through some great plan.
you wont get through any golden gates
because you were scared into doing good.
chances are chances and wishes are wishes,
not a preplanned destiny.
Do things because theyre right
not because some character in the clouds
told you to.

guide yourself through good and bad
have faith in that maybe we're responsible
for our own greatness.
have faith in us as a species and not a
sim-ulated play mate.

i sleep with a light on
because I'm scared of the dark.
my mind tells me there are dangers of the dark.
sleeping in the dark wont hurt me.
in many ways the dark is my light.
you might think so too.
katie Dec 2013
The stuff of bliss
keep it
in your breast.

The stuff that makes you thunder with laughter
when you fall or dampen or **** or burp;
the stuff that makes you spread your lips
when they kiss you;
the stuff that makes your priorities
surround sneaking out to see the moon
or desiring to blister in the sun just to have a touch of another land;
the magic that means you don't take life
seriously at all;
that makes you cry, laugh and scream with anger.

keep the magic that makes you express
pound against your ribs, under your breast.
until it dies with you.
katie Dec 2013
i embarrass him.
its obvious
the lies. the glances.
i know.

all i can do is stop eating again
and  jog for a few more hours.
but even then he'd think i was a freak.

he doesn't care about
what these boys have done to me.
scaring me half to death.
he doesn't care i wont eat for 4 days before i see him.

i just embarrass him.
that's all he wants to know.
that's all he cares about.
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