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Kathy Z Mar 2013
One headphone in.
Hum and sing.
Tilt head back-breathe in air.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Breathe.
Change song-
Reach for bag.
Don’t shake.
Be strong.
Yeah, right.
Tears falling-flow-
Stop.
Wipe them away.
Freeze.
Door opens.
Stop crying, god ******!
“M_?”
Fingers tremble.
You’re pathetic.
“Need help?”
Shake head.
Yes.
“…Let me open the window for you.”
Blink.
Sit down.
Chair creaks.
“Must be boring being stuck in the hospital for so long.”
Force smile.
“I would be bored to death if it were me.”
Awkward laugh.
What the hell do you know?
“So..I brought some flowers.”
Shrug.
Thank you.
Look around.
“Wow..this room reminds me of-“
Stop talking.
“One day, you and me will-“
I don’t care anymore.
“Hey-“
LEAVE ME ALONE!
“You know, I had this dream last night-“
So did I.
“I dreamed-“
What would my eternity be?
“You and me together-“
Is that it?
Sigh.
Lean back in chair.
“You know, people said that pain made you stronger.”
Close eyes.
Don’t react.
“What do you think?”
No.
“Why?”
…Who the hell says that pain makes you stronger? Pain will **** you, consume you, spit you out until there’s nothing left but ashes. That’s just a piece of *******-
“Don’t look so sad.”
Scoff.
“There are people out there who really love you.”
Lies.
“…If you want to cry, go ahead and cry.”
Silence.
Silvery wetness at the eyes-
Why are you crying?
“It- it- I can’t stand that- that-“
Sniffle.
“You’re holding all your pain in-
you can’t-
can’t let it go at all....."
Gasp.
"That’s why-
If you don’t cry-
I’ll cry in your place.
I’ll cry for you!”
Soft smile.
Idiot. I’m crying too.
“I’ll cry-“
For you.
*But..don’t you think that a smile is a more beautiful expression?
Kathy Z Mar 2013
Forever Delayed

The sky's awash in blood,

Railroad tracks encircle the land

The only thing that feels real is the knife of my breath-

will the world end in ice or fire?

All the sins I've committed tip the scales in favor of hell.

I beg your warmth, once more, anyway

The last train back, is forever delayed-

I run blindly, stumbling through wilting flowers,

Hands clamped over ears to stop that shrill scream-

What is it!?

Why are you following me?!  

"I can't see a thing" I scream, I cry,

searching desperately for words to live by,

tell me do you care, do you care-

at all?

I'm thrown to the side with nothing but

broken mirrors-

falling, falling, into the dark pit-

I can't summon enough tears to cry-

To tell you it's okay, it's okay-

That would be a lie.

All the broken things I've bled for-

so close...so close now.

But as my fingers graze them-

clocks mock-Too late! Too late!

You're already an adult!

~X~
"If you must begin something, then go all the way, for if you begin and quit, the unfinished business you have left behind will haunt you for all time. The path to love is like getting on a train you cannot get off. You ride on and on."
Kathy Z Mar 2013
The gentle light of dusk creeps upon the barren plains...

please hold my hand, if only for awhile.

Memories, hopes, dreams, where do I start?

I'll wait for you tommorrow by yesterday's river.

There is no right answer in life.

If I were to be hated in the end, if I was to be hated by the person I loved, then I decided these the first to hate before that happened.

Every book and fairy tale has a end, for better or worse.

If you want that rare happy ending, you must carve it out yourself.

Please embrace me, and make me laugh once more.

Even a child grows with pain.

Run, run, and cling to life. Only monsters can survive in this world.

Through this endless maze I wander aimlessly, looking for a place where I can finally sing.

And if you find someone precious to you, never let go of their hand, so you can see their warm smile eternally.

If this is to be my latest and final song, let me call it out with you here!

Walk through the ashes of your failures and learn how to regret.

When was that day when we were together?

Can't I twist time, to relieve that day?

All the lies that I've told until now, all the truths I've told until now, I've been worried about which outweighed which, and stopped searching.

Each human is bound by what they define as reality...but can we say that each man is living in his own world? Pain. Terror. Heaven. Hell. Which one tips the scale of life?

So please, just live with a smile.

If possible, I would like to cry with joy. But..I am afraid to say these words, for they may turn you away.

How do I know what to live for?

There is no prince or princess in this fairy tale.

Sometimes..you have to be your own hero.
Kathy Z Mar 2013
The soft smell of Jasmine...

A gentle crinkle of eyes.

A small smile...

Always alone....

Forgotten

Shunned.

Unknown.

Is there any to remember?

There was none to leave a voicemail in your ever empty messaging system.

No one to smile at you and breathe, "Hey.."

No one to make you feel "loved".

"Happy."

"Wanted." Those were all  foreign words to you.

But there was one time that I alone remember...

Your paintbrush rapidly staining the ivy canvas.

The quick dart of your sharp green eyes across the war of color.

The splatter of light paint on your snow white shirt.

The undisguised passion in your face as you felt a blazing happiness.

I still have that painting you drew.

Perched upon my desk.

It gathered attention...

warmed by the sun,

welcomed by society.

Do you still remember that meaningless story we listened to?

We laughed together, yeah?

The warmth of those hands...

The unreachable place that you're in will soon disappear.

Tell me you're in pain.

Tell me you're lonely.

I'll find you anywhere!

The words "Please don't leave me alone.."

Aren't we sharing one soul?

Life has withered away, too, this year

Before long, I’ve grown impatient for spring’s arrival

While listening to the chains of life

Continuing to bud in the light



But the sadness that continues to fall...

changes into pure white snow.

I keep looking at the sky.

Even if I, the only holder of your memory in this word,

disappear,

You'll live on through your painting.

I can't remember what happened anymore,

but if I try to close my eyes, I hear someone's laughing voice.

For some reason, that is my most precious treasure. But such a meeting...

A parting will happen again.

One day, when we were walking home together,

Laughing, we held each other's hands.

I felt like it would go on forever.

Your last words,"thank you for everything"

continue to echo.

This person that you are now...

have you become more beautiful?
Kathy Z Mar 2013
I run to the edge...but stop before I fall.

The thin thread of quivering life doesn't snap...yet.

This once beautiful world has become twisted and humane.

I wish I could remember how it once was. But I only know, how it will be.

If someone asked me if I wanted to see the past or the future, could I reply?

The words are torn out of my mouth.

The days go by like nothing.

But who am I to stop the clock of time?

I long for a pair of arms to hold me and murmur,

"It's okay."

And then I'll cry without regret.

But only the howl of the wind answers my call..

Peace, joy, happiness, love...what are they?

Cruel human emotions that only cause pain.

What will be and what cannot, there is a fine line between the two,

that I cannot cross.

Even though I do not believe in superstition, I hold a rosary against my chest, to guard against night.

"I wish I had wings."

My unspoken wish wails through the sky.

But do wishes come true?

I touch my cheek. What is the true value of beauty?

I thought I once knew.

Inside the core of the fruit?

Or the glistening skin of the apple?

Even if I die tomorrow, everything will go on.

Nothing will change.

But I hope, by writing this song, I can leave a memory somewhere on this earth to be remembered.

I wish that I could believe in the naive truth that happiness is something "eternal".

But what are wishes, in this demented universe?
Kathy Z Mar 2013
Ode to Sky

Ode to a person who was always smiling,

Even though they weren’t happy.



Ode to a person who I loved, who helped me through my nights,

Even though it was their last sun.



Ode to a smiling figure on the cliff, who laughed until their dying day.



Ode to a graceful hand that pulled me out,

That showed me who I was,

And who I was meant to be.



Ode to the memories that haven’t slipped away,

Still locked inside my heart,

With the face of an angel,

A shattered eye,

A broken mirror.



Ode to the happiness that was spread without a second thought,

Only for you to look down and say, “Oh, there’s no more.”



Ode to your gentle fingers,

Your sweet smile,

Awkwardly tying,

The red ribbon,

In my hair.



Ode to heart, that I couldn’t realize, until too late,

Was broken.



Ode to a house, in which lived a picture perfect family,

That was shattered, far too soon.



Ode to someone that I looked up and ran to,

A person who I strived to be like, a person who didn’t care for themselves,

A person…who hated their destiny and everything in it.



Ode to thoughts,

That allow me to keep going, even though there was no destination.

That never let me break down, because your memory didn’t let me.



Ode to a world,

Where perfection was considered a necessity,

A world…that destroyed you.

If you were born in another universe, would you have been happy?



Ode to a ocean,

That waxes and wanes, not caring  at all,

That you’re gone.



Ode to me,

Reaching to your hand, but only finding air,

To hold.



Ode to a bird,

Flying above, and me, lying there on the grass,

Wondering if you’re finally free.



Ode to a happy day,

When we were eating ice cream together,

Sweating and laughing in the sunshine.



Ode to this ode, that allows me to finally cry,

On paper.

— The End —