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Imma keep
screamin' at these
brick walls.

All day.
Every day.

While my clock is still
    tick
    tick
    tick-ing
.
I will be
all black
&
nothing more.

Until they
bury me underneath
the fresh black
****.
Soiled,
wet dreams
&
nightmare realities.

Of a life
that starts
later.

For now,
I am
only
One wing out the cocoon.
Before they were mothers
Leto and Niobe
had been the most
devoted of friends
I’m falling through the sky
As time quickly passes by
The blood ribbons fall from my wrists
My heart is aching and my stomach twists.

You think you know me, but you don't
You think you feel for me, but you won't
You have your world and your own life
And I have this darkness and a knife.

You're always smiling every day
I'm always crying the pain away
You pick me up when I fall
But throw me down when I can't handle it all.

I'm the sinner, you're the saint
You cover mistakes, with white paint
But my mistakes can't seem to hide
Because my words are colored tie-dye.

You think you're cool, but you're not
You think I'm stupid, but I’m really caught
Caught in the tide of the sea
The sea of emotion, but you won't carry me.

You make me feel like I am dead
But I still bleed the color red
Why does my heart ache like this so?
Because you're my mother, and I can't tell you to go.
SSK<3  AKA: Valerie
Marooned

Vapid beauty of this room
Frothing carpet, ocean blue
One wall me, the other you
What lies between is residue

Scribed on soggy, shipwrecked parchment
Questions asked, time forgotten
Who are we?
What do we know?
Into these questions Summer flows
And thrashes at your Autumn’s brinks
Yearlong they torment my brain
Infringing on every season

If not for the manic scheme
To love and having loved be loved
This correspondence to a distant land
With stars, more numerous and brightly lit
Than my burgeoning highway exit
Would by no means have left my hand

But if, against all odds, it will prevail
Extolling truth’s folly, my sorrowful tale
Quells with reason my groundless pride
At having docked on your passionless harbor
Unloading platonic cargo during our youth’s ebbing tide
Must not create union of body or mind
You swallow my horizon, like the sun twilight
Though, one need not chase that orange orb for tomorrow

In this night without fortitude, lewd humor consumes me
Singing with the mouth on my head and your voice inside
I plunge into darkness
Skimming its silky surface
Before zipping it behind me

Shall I drown, as I have lived?
In vain, my dreams your subjects
Taken for ransom in your heart’s Tripoli
Not surmising recompense, I forfeit this
A note belying resonance
Of my heart’s last echoed throe
One desperate effort, giving up
Feed every vestige to the void
Wading, torso encumbered
Each sullen relic of your memory
Falls to the deep’s frigid ebony
Then, only too late am I cognizant
That my own breath is tribute yet spent
Therefore if I were to float or swim
I’d give you every ounce of who I am
Convince you to relinquish me
From your tepid, spurning sea
Then lying beneath moist underbrush
Slowly, breathe no more
MMX

This is basically a revision of my poem Anstoss

My recitation here:
http://youtu.be/v7LdsUwUCEM
They are strangers now, swinging back and forth.
There are no fireworks, not of the romantic kind.
They are simply strangers, at a park.

One is a daredevil, one is shy;
One likes the merry-go-round, and the other? The swings.

If stars could talk, they’d prophesize such a love story.

In the beginning, she was running, and he was chasing.
At the ending, he was laughing, but she was crying.

In the beginning, there aren’t many words.
Just tickles, and shouts, and blushing cheeks.
Rips in shorts, grass stains on shirts. Promises, too.
Promises of, “If you won’t tell my mom, I won’t tell yours.”

At the ending, close to the ending, she is tired.
So he pushes her on the swing, makes her laugh.
And then he makes her fall.

So she pushes him around and around,
around and around on the merry-go-round.
And when she doesn’t stop, when he falls,
he calls her a name she’s never heard of.

“You’re nothing but a bully,”
followed with, “Well, you’re…
you’re nothing but a *****.”

You’re nothing, she hears. You’re nothing but a *****.
You’re nothing, he hears. You’re nothing but a bully.
“How do you know that word?” As they walk, side by side.

“My dad calls my mom that on Saturday nights,”
as they walk, hand in dirt-covered hand.
“At least I didn’t swing a bottle at you.”
blame it on photographic inspiration.
do something for me, okay?
tell my story at my funeral.
you’re gonna want to say no,
but how do you say no to a dead girl?
you can’t say no to me anyway, can you?

that’s my girl.
you never could.
so, will you tell them?
will you tell everyone
the reason i’m this way?

the reason my hands are useless,
sewn onto my wrists for show?
the reason you see me beside you,
femoral artery on display?
the reason my eyes stay glassy,
hyperfocused on nothing at all?

will you tell them of all
the things you were there for,
the things you saw,
the things you heard?
how you were the only witness,
every step of the way?

i think you will.
tell it all.
[we won’t mention that
when i needed you most,
at the end,
you weren’t there for me either.]

why didn’t you help me?
why didn’t you tell anyone about
all my razorblades, all my pills?

they were practically hand-fed to me,
and where were you?

right beside me, but not where you needed to be.
not helping me, only protecting me.
you protected me to death.

oh, did that hurt?
my apologies.
i guess i’m bitter.

anyway, the last thing i wanted to say?
is thank you.

thanks for finally letting me go.
originally written in november of 2009. final editing on may 3rd.
There is something about regret.
There is something about guilt.
There is something about honesty.

You lose the first two,
when you gain the second.

So my sleepless nights,
and my melancholy days,
have vanished.

I'd rather die than live a lie.
I've always been told honesty is the best policy,
but I guess that only applies when you want to hear it.

And it's funny,
but there hasn't been any tears this time.
At least, not until you see the truth.
Sunday, August 8th.
She asked me to tell her story for you all today.
I wanted to say no, but how do you say no to a dead girl?
I didn’t think you could, either.
So here I am.

But I've been thinking- we all know her story.
You’ve been fed her story by her caring, devoted parents.
So I’m going to tell you my story.

I was with her every step of the way.
[Except when it mattered, except for at the end.]
I was there when her caring, devoted parents called her a liar,
called her a thief, and called her a ****.
[Then lovingly announced it was a character building exercise. ]

I was there when instead of getting help for their daughter
as she repeatedly cut and destroyed her body,
they praised her, bought her new razorblades,
picked up her various painkillers.

Oh yes, her parents are real gems,
ladies and gentlemen.
They were very involved in Jamie’s life.
Always made sure she had
everything she wanted.

You know what?
They spoiled her to death.

Oh, too soon for suicide humor?
My apologies. I guess I’m bitter.
The last thing I need to say is,
Jamie wanted me to thank you all.

She wanted to thank you all for letting her go.
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