It feels so good to let go. Though the pain shot through my chest, though my hands were left red, though my cheeks were stained with tears, it felt so good to let go. When you left all the hurt left with you and as it poured out my feet left the ground. There was nothing holding me down. No words, no fears, no worries, no gravity once you left. I am flying without you. My heart is lighter than ever now that it doesn't have to hold you up. I can breathe deep breaths without my chest being pulled back in. I can finally look the clouds in the eyes and say "let it out." I've been walking among the stars and i can't believe i ever left.

People have it all wrong. Books have it all wrong. The expectations are all wrong. Love is not a feeling of these insane highs and happiness beyond belief. What goes up must come down and I don’t think people realize that when they’re 10 feet above the clouds. There are gonna be valleys after your peaks and they feel much less than love. Love is more of a constant thing. Its comfort. It feels like pajamas and hot baths and your mom’s homemade mac and cheese. It’s a security blanket to hide under when the whole world is falling apart behind your eyes. It’s simple and warm and strong and every beautiful word under the sun and maybe even above it. Who knows? All I know is that I’m content with our ant hills of highs and our cracks in the side walk of lows and the smooth lines that walk between. I am comfortable in this constant love.

You can't treat people the way you want to be treated. And you definitely cant love people the way you want to be loved. Because while you may want affection, others may want space. While you may want silence, others may want wisdom. While you may want gifts, others may prefer time. I think thats why so many relationships fail. You convince yourselves you just weren't meant for each other. None of us were made for another. We were made for ourselves. We have created this idea of "soul mates" because we feel incomplete. But each and every one of us has a heart that beats on its own. Lungs that take in air, eyes that see clearly, hands meant to move... on their own. Loving someone is not necessity, loving someone is luxury. Selfless luxury. It is a commitment and a choice. It takes work. Discover what language love speaks to them in, and sing them songs in it each day. We are capable of loving anyone, but we must first be willing to learn.

"True love never did run smooth."* Nothing has ever run smooth, has it? Life is water with waves and tides and depths and no part of it has ever run smooth. Lines are blurred in this big blue ocean and nothing is ever certain. How can we be so sure when there is so much left unknown. Miles and miles and miles ahead are things we would never dream of. Miles of prose to be heard, miles of sky to be touched, miles of eyes never met, and miles of dreams to be made. They stretch out ahead of us but we can never see just past the horizon. I hope you are still here, just past my horizon.

And i have always been a happy person. You look up synonyms for the word "happy" and you get results like, carefree, and lighthearted, but that is definitely not me. I'm happy, but my heart stays heavy and my head filled with cares. I stay up for so long that when i come down, i come down hard. I come down with weights tied to my feet and the feeling of falling has always terrified me. I come down with these thoughts that i can't seem to shake and they play over and over in my head like a broken record. I become a person that i don't like, one that i dont recognize.  It makes me wonder if that's who i really am, underneath it all. That's what terrifies me the most, and that is why i get back up again.

Theres a lump in my throat
And i could not tell you why
Everything i seem to do
Is never enough to me

Every word i speak
And every move i make
Is wrong
Through these hazel eyes

So when you ask me
"Whats wrong?"
The only word that comes to mind is
"Me."

My eyes have seen too much pain and too much suffering. My ears have heard too many sobs and too many "it will be okay's." My heart has felt too many emotions and my body too many sympathetic hugs. Things are falling apart here. People are falling apart here. The best people I've ever known, forced to live under the scariest circumstances. Sometimes they don't live. Sometimes they're put out of their misery. But their pain isn't gone, only passed on to the people around them. Things are falling apart here. My heart is falling apart here. I hurt for the people that hurt and even more so for the people who have to watch them hurt. I have been in that place. I have been in those hospital rooms, feeling helpless. I have held hands as cold as ice and looked into eyes as distant as the stars. I have that hurt inside of me, hurting for everyone else around me. Things are falling apart here. The only thing you can do is hold yourself together.