I want to write about joy
I want to remember how I felt weeks ago
I want to be thankful
But why does this feel so painful?
Why cant I see rainbows?
Life is so beautiful but we always focus on the pitiful
My heart and my soul feel alone
But I wanna find peace on my own
Not thinking about what Im lacking
Or comparing myself with the masses
I wanna call happy my home
I want to leave these anxious thoughts
And start meditating more
And exercise a bunch
Today I cried but tomorrow I want to kiss the sky

Woke up with anxiety in my bed
I can't leave my fears for dead
I keep thinking about things I don't have but I want
I keep thinking about being lonely instead
I wanna be positive and feel like the rest
I wanna be happy and joyful
But my thoughts won't leave me
They won't go
I wanna enjoy this vacation I wanted for so long
I need to exercise more
To in the present moment
But I have my energy underground
My piercing won't work
My headaches are saying hello
Life is hard but some people have it worse
Why can I just be thankful, oh Lord?!

It's tough to feel this pain
Without any reason or someone to explain
I lie awake thinking it was my mistake
I come to dream the daith will heal my head
But for some reason today I got a migraine
It seems to help everyone but myself
Should I be paying this, is it my fate?
I feel like there's a spell somewhere
I'm damaged, my friend
And on this sleepless night
I cry, I dont wanna fell like a victim
But Im tired of trying, of surviving
Of being in pain and trying to hide it
And people dont understand when I explain
I feel so alone again

I try to shut the demons that cry
I try to make you feel safe
I try to manifest that you are okay
But it never seems to help
I have done reiki, meditation, and more
Still, you feel like you don't deserve anything at all
I'm tired of living with your shadow
Since I can't control that you are so shallow
Please help me figure out what is it that you want
How can I heal this heart of mine
That you are so attached
I can't disconnect from you or the past
I wish I could turn back time
To prevent the feeling when you felt like you needed to die

I remember as a kid you suffered a lot
You pushed me away
I thought you hated my guts
You said I wasn't good enough
I felt like that for a while
Little did I know those feelings stayed with me till this age
Now, I can only accept crumbs from people that don't deserve me
Mom, I forgive you because you didn't know better
You just expressed the anger that you felt
I wanna learn how to love myself
And feel valuable again
I know you've changed
I know you want the best for me
I need to let the past go and this is the reason I write you this poem

I play this music and it brings me something
Something that I cannot find in the silence
The void that I'm feeling tastes like misery
The missing people, the broken feelings
This sorrow might be gone tomorrow
But today is all I have and I feel hollow
I got things going on but I still hear nothing
That sound, that moment in time
Feels like iron in my mouth
Then I think it's all in my mind
These thoughts I hide
Another day, another hardwired pessimistic outlook on life
Please, let it all be gone any time soon
I wanna feel the music and I want to hear the birds singing in tune
I want it all, I wanna be free.

I was only 16 and I had seen you once more with your fist on my mom.
Such a macho thing to do, such a savage
With no remorse you beat her up
I had nowhere else to go, I wasnt going to hide in the closet no more
I felt that I needed to defend my mom
I said, "please stop!" But you ran towards me with rage and attacked me also.
You hit me hard but not hard enough
I still remember that day as the tears fall down from my face
I thought I had let this go
I thought I was okay since you called the next day and said what you regret
You could barely speak, your voice was broken
I forgive you ,I do
I dont know what you went through, that made this you.