i was stripped
of the heart
that i used to write with

the wine
still fuels me
but i come up empty

how
can you lose
something that made you?

i could sleep
or i could drink
tomorrow will be achy just the same

my body is heavy
as my heart now
i am balanced
in a way

my blood, warm
and my glass half empty
im sorry
for seeing it that way

you always wish
i saw things different
i just wish
you would see me

i think that maybe
i’ve been meaning to write this
for a while

i haven’t written much
since your warm hands
wrapped around me in the night
and i pushed them off

i didn’t know
how to love myself
i didn’t know
how to hold your love
i didn’t know
what it was

i still don’t
but i still think of you
of the home we built
and tore apart

you were
the first
piece of my puzzle
the one i lost

The thing about love
Is that nobody even
Knows what it is

I thought I did
A few times

Once, when bangs
Were brushed out of my eyes
By soft hands

Another time
When I kissed the wrong person

Usually
I was all wrong

Now
You lay in my bed
My windowsill
Is a soft light-box
That flickers candle light
Onto your smooth skin
Your eyes are always smiling.

I don't know if this is love
Though I do love it.

That's all I need to know.

Love is not a soothing thing
It is more a ruling thing
Taking over me
But this is not love

I don't know it well enough to be.

This is infatuation.

This is every
brittle bone
in my body
trying to push you away
and my heart singing
hallelujah
when I don't even believe
in a God

Your names sounds
Holy
Your fingertips
Know me
I'm breaking
Slowly

you left me with nothing
but a roll of undeveloped kodak film
your beautiful
acetate
face
gleaming in the sunlight
from your window on nelson
do you remember that day?

i cried about you
last night in bed
my lover understood
(or so he said)

You wrote poems
Of lovers
Tracing maps on your skin
Highways
To a new high
Secrets kisses lined
Rivers of ecstasy
Newly discovered
An illusion:
Colonial,
Therefore dry and heartless
Your skin screamed
And sometime after
Even with rivers and roads
Traced by
Unfamiliar hands
Your heart lay still
Even Silent

You felt it again
Palpitations
Twisted
Enormous
Passion

New love
Was only recycled emotion
So you recycled your body
To be used by many
Boring
Heartless
Colonial Men
Then set off to find new places
A new surface
To hide beneath

You said it was only
Your love of exploration
Of the new
That drove you to commit
These mindless acts
As you secretly
Tried to forget
The places you’d been

And you thought maybe
If you
Filled the map enough
You’d cover up your past
Maybe if you
Gave your soul away
In tiny pieces
Distributed evenly
One day
There would be
Nothing left
No countries
No surrenders
No divisions of land
Just still
Water


Still
The scars of endless maps
Are deep
On your skin


2011