I've been known to
write stories
Instead of moving
Like my bending wrist
Knows just what she's
doing
Reality is there
Smothered under a blanket
Of scribbles and drawings
Some hopeful dreams
I think I made this
More than it was
Meant to be

(Writing
about writing
is so cliche)

But I cling to my words
Like I'm dangling
High up off the ground
Holding tight to the edge of
Serif-fonted letters

I always thought you knew me better.

And I've always tried to see the light
but in doing so
I never saw the darkness
For what it was

I’ve got a thirst for a life that I can’t live
And i’m stuck in my head again
I guess it’ll all have only ever been daydreams
And when they find my body
They’ll say reality tore her apart at the seams
Her hands were too small
To catch all the rain that fell
So she drowned in a river
Of empty pain
I didn’t know it was possible
To feel empty
And to hurt
At once
My limbs sting
With everything
I never was
With never having been enough
And you’ll say
Baby (maybe)
How could you do this?
And I’ll whisper
From my ***** grave
I loved you just the same
I love you just the same
Sometimes
Life
Is just too much
Were getting overpopulated you know
Too many of us here
It’s a big planet you know
Give it a hundred years maybe
And we’ll all be gone
You can forget about great-grandchildren
I’m doing us a favor you know
One less person on the planet
I don’t want to live insignificantly
I had big things planned
I was going to do everything
And more
I don’t know how I ever believed this when I have trouble walking out the door
Or taking a crowded bus
Or looking someone in the eye
I’m doing us a favor you know
I only ever caused you pain
And dismay
And you only ever pushed me away.

Do you even have emotions?
Do your blue eyes
Point nowhere but to a Dead Sea
Is your white chest
Empty
Do you even think about me?

This is not love
Not even lust
But do you feel a thing?

Four in the morning
On a friday night
It appears I've fallen again
into
a deep
trap of promiscuity
I used to run from myself
and cling to a stranger's skin
like velcro
I used to sleep with the lights on
If I didn't have
A body to hold

I haven't hit the ground
This is a pretty long fall






November 2012

It's been a while
Since I've spent so much time with the night
It's dark arms
Wrapped around me
It's awful jaws
Whispering the past

So many burdens
I've been
To so many people
I used to feel sad
I miss it
Now I only feel guilt

They want me to feel numb
Shove divalproec down my throat and
Wash it down with cipralex
They're calling it a disease
But I feel like I already am one

might be
manic
in
a panic
racing
mind

scattered
songs
inside my
soul are
shrill
unkind

Funny how
I dreamt of you
Once
What your skin
might feel like
under my palms
Forbidden

Funny how
I grew out of it
Funny how
I told you
I wasn't interested
That I was
a loyal woman

Weeks later
we drink with friends
the soft trickle
of *** as it
cleanses my lips
and runs down my throat
the soft trickle
of inebriation
starts to roll in
joyful laughter
in a scummy bar
i spoke of him
quite a bit
you smile
agree
and i say
"you're a good friend"

funny how
friendliness is misinterpreted
even through
declaration of devotion
to my lover
who awaits me at home
even through
the words "i trust you"
muttered
as you lift me off the ground
promising to get me somewhere warm
and safe
as i'm vomiting
shaking
in the cold
barely aware of where i am
or how many little glass cups
i've emptied
to empty myself
how many
tiny white straws
i've used up
how many pumps
my stomach
probably needs

Funny how
in what felt like a haze
an odd dream
I didn't scream "NO"
just
drunkenly
laid
there
naked
as you
enter me
let you
turn me over
and make me feel
small

Funny how
I "learned"
growing up
about consent
all the times
my mom told me
to stand my ground
and then
all the times
fear created silence
but "****"
was never perpetrated
so i stay
quiet
shamed
violated
I guess you could say it's complicated.

By the way, that's not what I meant by "I trust you."