Dreams unobtained swirl through my cluttered mind
As I survey the souls surrounding me.
I see so much love and hurt and emotions too strong for names.
Some of which I want to be part of.
Right now, I have no idea how to manuver my way through this hallway of life
Do I stand up and tell?
Or do I hide behind my lies and stretched truths?
I don't know anything anymore
Because you say normal people don't do what it is I do.
Why I am trapped in this glass jar of confusion?
I guess I don't have the confidence to break through.

Tell me what's wrong
Tell me why you give me these nervous glances in the hallways
Cross your arms and look away.
Are you worried?
Unsure of how to talk to me?
Well, my skinny jeans and sweater classmate
I am happy to chat.
I am apt to say hello to you.....
But I guess I'm worried too.
Do you have hard feelings because of the Venus flytrap I pulled us into
The scary thread I wove with the needle labelled SUICIDE?
Do not worry, for that tapestry has long been torn in half.
I'd just like to be friendly.

Meeting someone who finally cared
Made my heart beam little rays of sunshine through my nerves.
I wanted to be the person you admired as well.

I was at a point in my life
Everything was changing.
I was transitioning from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Yet being the ditz I can be,
I let my fingers type out the words
"I was contemplating suicide."
Thinking only that'd you'd think someone who was in such a "dark" place
Could be a friend.

I now consider myself a monstrous idiot for not stopping my ravenous little digits
And thinking.
What would this cause me?

It caused me a long afternoon in a counselor's busy office
A long night in the hospital meant for those who actually were hurting
And an even longer day at school afterwards.
It caused me to worry everyone
When it was only my selfish little desires of being "that" girl.
The one who's been through so much, who's so cool because she's survived the pain
The one who is nevertheless on the edge.
When I wasn't.

I want to give you my complete, utter, sincere apology
For making your heart beat faster for the wrong reason.
For making your mind shake with worry.

It's about time they invented the time machine, don't you think?

Tonight is one of those nights
Where I just want to be with you.
I want to hold your hand
And run my fingers through your hair.
I want to be close to you
I want to feel your lips on mine

You make life worth living.

Holding hands behind the curtains
We talk of everything and nothing.

I can tell you're trying somewhat hard to impress me.
Doing funny, sometimes outrageous things to see me grin.

But do you really like me ?
I've heard rumors that you are after a different girl.

Trust me, I have nothing against her. She's quite a person.
But the mixed messages you leave in my emotional mail box
Confuse me.

So give me a sign to follow
Along the road leading up to your heart.
And maybe I'll come visit you.

Can we go back in time
To the day we met
One person unhappy,
The other shy.
Approaching me
You ask if you can sit.
I say sure, truthfully not caring who sat where.
You begin a conversation with me, asking what's up.
I say, I'm not feeling well. I'm tearing up.
You ask, why.
I explain.
Problems with idiots, naturally.
We talk about our likes and dislikes
We part, exchange numbers.

That week
We talk once more.
I feel, for some mind boggling reason
That I have to
Impress
you.
So I lie.
The worst mistake of my life.

The next day, I'm called into an office.
I meet the frightened faces of my parents
and a bored looking counselor.
I ask, why I am here.
I find that my lie sparked pain that took a long time to get over.

You cared about me
obviously.
But now, it seems you want your distance.

Have it your way.

Because I'm done pining after you, even as a friend.

Though...I wish things were different.

I guess I'm the third wheel
Trailing behind you two as we wander our way to lunch
Trying to match your pace.

If only I had someone who would let me in
Let me walk next to them
Hold my hand and smile at me

I think I'd be happy then.
But for now
Who knows where I'll go.