You all give out these knives to a conscience
Hiding behind your computer screens.
Beating me down
Laughing at my expense.
Not getting that I can be who ever the **** I want to be.

So what if I am ugly.
Your personality is too.

Even though I seem to have a solid exterior, an iron curtain around my feelings
My heart is crying.
You don't know where I have been
What scars and pain I still bear.

You call me
Ugly
Fat
Wannabe
*****
Hypocrite
Judgmental
Horrible Artist.

They hurt.
I know you know this.
You just hate me.

The reasons aren't always clear.

But it hurts just the same.

You all give out these knives to a conscience
Hiding behind your computer screens.
Beating me down
Laughing at my expense.
Not getting that I can be who ever the **** I want to be.

So what if I am ugly.
Your personality is too.

Even though I seem to have a solid exterior, an iron curtain around my feelings
My heart is crying.
You don't know where I have been
What scars and pain I still bear.

You call me
Ugly
Fat
Wannabe
*****
Hypocrite
Judgmental
Horrible Artist.

They hurt.
I know you know this.
You just hate me.

The reasons aren't always clear.

But it hurts just the same.

I wish you'd tell me I'm beautiful as well.
You find ways around saying the truth
That you don't care about me.
You tell me I'm myself and that's how you like it.
But then you tell the other girls they're gorgeous
Without giving a second thought to how I might be feeling.
Do you think that I don't care about my appearance
Just because I'm not as shallow as the others ?
I might have different morals then them.
But every female wants to hear that's she as pretty as pretty gets.

You seem to have a better relationship with them.
Is it because we started out on the wrong foot ?
Lies and hopeful dreams don't mix in this case.
So please, give me a sign that I matter to you.

Because you do matter to me.

I am sick of the way I'm treated.
Tricked, thrown in the trash like a piece of chewed up gum.
Being cheated into thinking utter lies.
I am no marionette any longer.
I live by my own rules
And I break them as I please.
It doesn't matter if I am cast from the little island of society.
I've been living on the rocks anyway.
I'd rather be independent than popular and queenly.
I leave behind the liars
Evil-doers
Users
Abusers.
I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you.
You're the flu, he's cholera, and she's AIDS.
Give me my freedom vaccine now.
The side effects aren't important.

Yes, I have problems.
I have ADHD. Depression. Once suicidal, twice suicidal. Lonely. Barely any friends.  Reject. Misfit.
But do you know what I don't have that you have ?
Boundaries. Walls to break down. People holding me back.  Fears.
Do you know what I have that you don't have ?
Esteem.  Confidence. The energy to go on.
You know, kid, you can do better than you are now. You can overcome the people that are preventing you from blossoming into a freakin' superstar.
You can drown them in your voice, in your music, in your words, your creativity.
You can do whatever it takes to get to the top. I don't mean the social ladder, I mean the success ladder.
You can do it.
I did, so you can.

As of today
My life is split in two.
There are the calm, uneventful days
Of lazy, relaxed words.
Then there are the days
Where the seven deadly sins, plus a sprinkling of tears
Drown me.
I struggle to keep my head above the surface
To stay alive.
Sometimes I  am successful
Others, the evils hold me down until
My heart stops and my lungs are filled with past regrets.
I scream silently.
The world goes dark
All my small truths are overridden by my horrid actions and feelings.
My life is being ****** out by the long since faded lies
The corset strings of existence are ever so tight now.
I am only human.
But that is not enough.
I now live in my own little sea of desperation.

[[ This is more of a letter than a poem. ]]

Hey.
So yea, I get it.
I took it too far.
And when the whole
SUICIDE
Thing exploded over our heads
Everything got twisted and warped.
I'm sorry, you know.
I was too eager to have someone there for me.
It's a trait of mine I suppose.
Lust and Envy are my sins that are displayed most obviously.
Hopefully we can remain friends
And not fall from grace again.
And when I say I love you
Do you know I mean that I just think you're amazing ?