somewhere
in this vast oasis of home
party streamers of the heart
faded stuck to the walls
pale pinks like the sinking sun
drowning in it’s own image
below the horizon
i feel that’s us
where we belong
laughing through our shame
the night calls without names
into the last party of the decades
rushed into goodtimes and struggles
flushed away into pollution
tv  static    nuclear radiation
here on this couch of your parents
orange and yellow
brown
from some era I can never understand
or touch
as with each moment some new invention is formed
the past  is squashed
we strum along to the hum
of a world
never quite ours
but here we are


5/27/11
1258pm fri

...............his
between    chains & carnations
my silent disavowal to the night
the tethered  ropes of humanity
the pulp that ripens & rots
   before the first bite
    before he get’s to have it all
     the promise of an america   (lost era)
    we all fall
       amongst the bricks & poets
   the machines & hoplessness
     the starvation of the heart
            once we could all
  finally reach across
the earth
    it falls
it ruins of rhyme
with too much reason
  too much of everything
      left the future with nothing
yet here we lay
     dreaming of a big pay day
   ******* hope
    from between my legs
i love you
i love you
         ‘til I go away



6/12/11
b4 midnite sunday

1/17/10

dopesick boy
make me dope sick
his black in the blue
eyes vanish
he vanishes
the skeletal frame
of his guitar
& all the almosts
that got shot
cause he shot up
the broken window in time
the self steams out of in
the night
his black & blu eyes
pinned
pinned wings in a glass
case
another face
wings evaporate
dust where a boy once sat
holdng my hand in love

toothless junkies
        rifle through trinkets
             hearts leaking tar
           onto the bus’s gummed out floor
hoodied heads bow
             begging for a break
    or a stake in the heart
        or a steak
          half burnt trees flay   flash by      pray         for one less day
                 dogs chase
           the beat up clunker                                        yellow
        gnashing blindly
         at the machinery
         screaming dust
              in the world’s
                 face
         I hate Mondays



4/19/11

There's horns and heartache in every direction a ***** smile in the sirens that echo through the alleys bricked or stuccod into self martyrd silence at a world that is only a glossy poster of its former self an hour glass up everybodys nose some torn pantyhose hope I'm smiling in my 4x4 a beam watching the people turnstyle through despair and ecstasy I'm painted white but I'm full of termites and I love this mirage world despite all the anyways and brick roads that lead to cliffs and cliffs that lead to lovers and lovers that leave for sunrise and railroad ties  me unholy headed in every direction that leads to nowhere everywhere but like I said I love this mirage

1/19/10


I’m  a concrete rose, you’re a midnight
Horse
Wild flame mane black ripple me with ur touch
Rotted crowns fall 2 dust
Beneath your steed stomp feet
Our masters
Gouge their eyes out
I’m cleched in ur sweat
My concrete turns 2 rivers flowing
Death
Wet night
Midnight
My midnight horse
My voice

i escaped the trailer home
to the make shift rodeo
toothful gagglers &
not so pretty hollars
boys
i rush up the bleachers
squishing cans beneath
each jump                               CRRRUNCH!
i want to go to the
top
find the place
where
goodness
calls

an old sweaty man's hand grabs my trousers
PULL FREE
PULL FREE
.. i can't
his wrinkles shimmer chrome
the shiny belt buckle big n' bold
the pain of a world too ordered
to make people like me silent
he is pulling me down to sit
pulling me hard
my jeans are sliding
black
i wriggle
wriggle
always mama tried to make me sit
the teacher
the politician
my eyes hurt from all this looking
at things not right
i wriggle
the sun is sharp
that place where the shadow meets the crawl
i wriggle
and make a straight hand
bruce lee myself free
his teeth grimace and drip
i unwriggle him from my dreams

& climb straight up the big light at the top

a stadium of nowhere

big hatted heros

the swirl of dust

the crumbs of

discount cookies
the texas sky





cries no mercy

ridin' wild with the broken down trannies in zoot suits n' water pistols aimin' to capture the sun from ten feet underground i swear it's darker than my gut insides crawlin' around in the glitter and filth i caught me diseased wealth heartache and small pond fame i caught me a sugarless daddy and a stage name i caught me a gutter and a song but still i wonder  how to walk but i can sure sweet talk sssssssslither love

daddy was dead & i liked being used
I shoulda probly taken a shower
Rinse off the fog I drew on invisibility
   & youth
         & barrel gun'd eeyes
           that mirrored only dice
                & worlds of ice & rust
                          & sweet white dust
                                    & tattooed drums

                                                          their
                                            pumping           pain

                                                   into my
                                                     sweet sweat
                                                            16 yr. old
                                                                   frame
        there i was
                on some polar bear closed shop rug
                       midnight.
                             naked.  he had taken my
                                          clothes off.
                                           I didn't wanna ****.
            i wanted to cuddle this stranger
          cuddle the fluffy bear beneath my back
       under the body i refused to look @
               his hand on his belt buckle.  caching
                 zip.  daddies last breath.  1 blk

     away.  15 min.s   b4    here now i lay
                   prayers in the grave
                              men smothering my face
                                       unshaven memory.
                                             mind games.

Cadilac cars
              & black.
          fast.
                         yards
              pass
     yellow dotted lines
        smack
        tire
        speed.
Curves.

taste the sunset
       sweat the sunless years
   the graffiti    shift. Shock.
boom.
1/4/10

the vroom.
the legend to all
       10 boys who will ever
   know my name
remember the night
     the tight dress of pch
curves
black lacquered love
wet fast wicked unwanted.
black lacquered love
         asphalt crumbles to sea
mesmerized & deep
This night belongs 2 me. This night belongs 2 me

i wanna lounge with the cats as a bad boy barkin @ bricks DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO pickin' toe jam strumming guitar but here in my khaki and cubicle that all seems so far

words lay
naked & afraid
across the carpet
burnt & loved
2 ft. away
the things i should say
a slammed door
the stillness crawls
all over
spindley legs darkness
invisible
stuck in the throat
like a rope
a liars bed
burning eternally
where do i go
i don’t know

6/13/11

Hello ceiling
caving in
worldwind heart
Internally
Eternally
falling
the bad boys r whistling through my door    "phooo"
the bankers screaming through the phone
pictures of naked girls on the screen
dancing
old coffee spilt on my bedstand
strangers
strangers that live in me
peeling the paint
reminding me there is a big break
around the corner
coming to rescue me with giant winged teeth
swirling around my head
around the corner
& the piles of unpaid envelopes
don't mean a thing
don't let those whistlers in

my view      from the window
Brick walls
Plastic flowers

Why did I have 2 turn in2 a woman
Why couldn't it have been a bird or spider web
I am silence in the explosion
The space between worm and seed
in the apple
A gasp to flee
From the tree
What can I hide beneath
Why must I see
Rain
Sky
Fleeting




4/8/10
Where shadow meets sea

broken in paradise
the love(r) that wears a knife
the dreams that smoke between the nights
stale in a room of wonder
glitter dancing in the gutter
I’m calling for you I’m screaming
please be nice
please love me
please please please
a broken record of a woman
alone in a ruin
of mildewed furs and bad aftertastes
sunrise
sunset
it’s all the same
a waste

******* and no chase
thrill
stupid
**** **** **** **** ****
love that hits you like a truck
dying in the middle of the road
carcass picked on bones
begging for more
begging
come home

The suburban myths of childhood splayed on her naked chest
The stones of her mothers guilt closing her in
Her highschool cartoon bedspread beneath her back where I'm standing I don't know what she wants for me to listen or attack her jeans off to make her sing her song while I sweat on her she is shivering from heat and malfunctionous desires cracked fate
I am growing weak with boredoms temptations to have my way
My hands around her crumbling names
Swirling her skin to silence the pain
Creamy russian white and peach on display
She doesn't want to be a wife or gay but these things happen anyway
Another day in th oc
Little orange houses all in a row
Wishing with them we could play dominoes

The asian man
Down the street
Who tries to commit suicide
Every few weeks
Finally
Almost made it
Instead of cops
It was paramedics
His body bandaged seeping red
His family crying
The little kids
With the big yellow ball and a big red star
Lips held firm
Heads
High
Would never forgive him
Though he may survive

and the traffic
rush's by

feelin' wild like runnin in the trees jumpin from the slums of the mind the oily quick sand hands called silence and control, america, how i wish u'd unbigbrother urself and support the artists, but that would require slime'ing away from big bank funding, corporates drugging us zombies called humanity... to be an artist at times can be so liberating and so uncertain. hello eviction notice, hello

the prophecies of a junk yard princess
16 ****** and high
no alibuy bye
I’m a junkyard millionaire
I’m a freeway square to nowhere
a junk dog captain
a lover to lose
a loser to love
a shining piece of junk in the sky
to pry for a night
some secret that’s a lie
some secret I’ll let you buy
I’m dangling from a tree
the shadow is only me
nothing
nothing u see

2.10.10

with my head behind a cloud
thoughts ping pong around  
drown
drown
loserdom in a stip mall parking lot
kicks against the curb
three quarters and a fist
life a near miss
sweat steaming the distortions of the face
cops handy mans hookers and housewives
l.a., l.a. l.a. paved my brain
a candy bar and a bar and a heat wave
and a drawn on face
l.a., l.a. l.a. paved my brain
and a tic tac toe hopscotch foot tied race
l.a., l.a. l.a. paved my brain
to an anvil off the top of the capitol building beauty night line daytime sky sky orange high
touch me
somebody
reach out and ***** out my stutter heart time cvrime buy buy buy
not buy me anything
feel me something
feel
what?
who am i
satturday or Tuesday or Noday
cement
pavement
horse drawn nowhere
freeways
freeways
thunder

4/5/10
219pm

clinging to the night like a wet sheet
naked beneath it’s sweat dirt & stare
dreamin’ of nowhere   runnin’ runnin’
all of us movin’ movin’ movin
to whatever was out there
a great unanswered scream


--------
I was starin’ at all the imperfections
of an orange    shapes, dents, pocks
nobody cares
    as long as it’s juicy

----------------------------

there was a street light
& all of us were movin movin’
dancing on shingles singles
bangles of tigers
claws & smiles
   fashionable dresses all torn like the moon
  sometimes I feel like I don’t know
where i’m supposed to be
       & if i do know i don’t
know how to get there

footstep, footstep
at least you’ll be
somewhere


----------------------

the car is blasting
boom boom boom
we all b movin’ movin’
parkin’ lot party
& then
   i twirl
        i twirl so fast
     flashes of blue satin
  black jeans, plastic
rings, beercans
       skin, rhythms i
  twirl    spreading
my arms  his eyes
        stop
        his eyes


6/12/11

Hello ghost
Singing in my ear
Caressing my face

Slow.

Slower



Free falling my heart
Free basing my hope
The tethered rope
Of love
The sand storm stealing
The image from my tongue
Though the impressions forever there
Sweet death
****** despair

oh sweet world, shiver into me
your claws& diamond dust
the last sweet dance
tender romance black
on the clock
the jaw of luck  the chainsaw &
the melody  the love &
disbelief  the betrayal
& the bloom, the laughter
after doom   the broken
ballroom   the earthquakes
& the prayer   the family
& the stairs collapsing the light
glimmer & glare   the utter
despair &   goodness
breathing me in
spinning me round

sometimes I’m up

sometimes it’s down
& when the wisdom is found

the cycle will go on

cyclone, dawn,

& ground

death,
rebirth
& all the causes
of
everyone

i walk out the door and it's a living anti drug ad---- grannies in pink with scars up and down their legs, youth with ******* glasses chewin' out their teeth chumpin' for my change to score, leathered out n' shot up tracked all all over ***** men swaying with grins beating their heads against walls calling for MORE MORE MORE...  just one more score... skeletal grave home... street sleeping slums of lonliness

I drew his cartridges of loaded hope and daddy’s dancing shoes from his piano too many women n’ ***** bluez that cut of coyote teeth on his mirror in lipstick
A portrait of a saint
A portrait of a ******
A portrait of love and death
A portrait of humanity
I’m alive
I    th e   stra n g e r
I the collapsible paraplegic
I the daughter of the govenor and the daughter wailing sax

His mirror melted into red wax
Of confusion
In this open room bathroom where he is lying behind me invisible through all the lipstick he bought me that is drawn all over his reflection, my reflection, this place, this death sentence, the rest of my life to lead after 16 on my own, I can only hear the image screech I used to be behind me
26 wires into different parts of him to machines that make him breathe
candy colored computer heart pumps and wicked adreneniline bumps and heart breaks and candy necklaces and bad legs and I don’t know this now but in three days after a year of this ******* he’ll be gone
stroke.
Here I go.
Again.
On my own



1/10/2010

Cockroaches on cracked floors
***** fuzz amps and holes in boys
Dolly strung in girls hanging from a bulb
Sways on the cement I'm a troll
Wrestling with blindfolds back knives and lost homes
I curl on the couch
Red broken leather
Fall into a mouse trap
Half smoked dreams
Curling fingernails up my thighs
Half forgotten lullabies
Reaching for the sky
Don't fetch me
I'm still alive

the space between living & not
a thunder bold fire bird   bird
leather skirt
wife beater shirt
******* on the neon    suckin’ on the moon
black black black
liner
    everywhere
so fast down sunsets
riding
everything full throttle
  don’t bottle ( she/me)
her up
louder LOUDER
don’t wanna hear the
world falling
all over
       & over

John has a fresh pressed shirt
waits on the corner for her
her who smells like another woman/her
there’s no justice to love he thinks
tugging at his loafers with the back of his guilt  
mothers forbidding
he’s too young for such fast woman she yelps

time melts the pavement
he flips his nickel
the rumble old car rave
the ground shakes                                 he sees   the familiar
a flash fast smile
lipstickless
    it "phooo" nickel smack lands on heads
he jumps in the passenger
          seat

& off    off
               off

   to get off

    to get lost

  in something he’s not
     nor will ever be

a woman


free




6/13/11

To my maybe baby
I’ll stalk u like the moon
The cat whispers to the grasses to
sway in the noon
That the sweet rain fingers to caress
out full the blooms
Of wild indigo and white knighted
striped maroon
That dance u in the fields to take off
ur shoes
And scent ur sweat with lavender
and croon
U to always be watching and over me
like the melody moon

Into u
I’m so in2u



1/9/10

Lost between here and there
A roadless road
Some cactus whiplash sun juice dry hope heaved onto an omlette of cow brains and mothers stale toast warnings. A gingham curtain on a beat up pickup truck / home shakes its dust in the desert wind where nothing runs only lives

dessimating my free will
with my hand between my legs                                     sweaty n cold
and my the pinball
hungering for holes and big scores
in some beaten down alley
at the end of every road
my fathers crooked smile and a jand job
the ghost, the lover of yesterday
that american dream sinking in the credit hole
so dddeeeep it sunk beneath the bone
stings like the word no
blinding elephants
riding the tital wave
earth
there is no captain
only karma
holding us captive
a taste of our sewers
on the sweet ladies lips
ooo.
   look.
      ****.

today was the day
the broken boys rolled me like dice
tumbleweeding me onto
the suburban curbs
where i cried and cry for night
a place to hide truth
knowing that i know & knew
what boys like that could do
zoo my heart
with caged rapture
spit up my skirt
with laughter
we all knew
what we were after
spilling thrills
scrawling broken
wills
with spraypainted
walls & spread
legs   ..sea saw see saw

momentary fishbowl celebrity
look up
the sun is so bright
i hate the sun light
i hate seeing who i am
and knowing what i've done
"brrring brrring"
"look out!  SCRUB"
scowls twisted on their face
i lurch forward
tires flicker on cement
heart fries on pavement
my legs are stiff as 30 day old dog ****
neighbors bike by
swerve in butterflies around my mind
the sign on my mediocre face reads nobody
i'm picking up all the change
that flew from my pockets
when i decided to be bad
money sweaty in my palms
the teenage gutter angst song

I live in the land of concrete and flowers
of broken dreams that dazzle on gower
the end of america
The edge of the pacific
where the mad fEver rush
rolls the last minute carney hopes
in the sea swallowed by
Foam, gasp, foam, spread, foam, butter legs, sand *****, scabs, toxic waste, castles, meltdowns, stock crashes, dance parties, heroes, well -theives disguised as them, cardboard castles o **** n drugs n poverty,
some promise that one in several million will b truly rich beautiful and free enough to complain about meaning
Hello my ***** luv
That throws me up
After its feasted my youth into apathy
Hello oligarchy
Homeland
Birth place of so many things I lust after
Broken concrete flowers peak through
Some neon sunrise
A prop to be used
a marketing strategy of humanity
living the dead end dream

I'm hittin up the stereo
Marching sonogram graphic woman
***** stance
*******
No chance
No safe
No save
What aim
Broken arrow
***** dance
***** dream
Disko life
****** into lights
******* the grime off the green
The grim off the screen
The brakes off the scream
Watch it
Closely
Gone

Awkward n 15 year olds stroll with thrift minks and mismatched flowerd lace klunk grandma heels and a thrill in their eyes.

Everything
Trips to a slow melody
The glass’d out kids
Magician away their keys
I’m lying on the floor
In a backwards dream
Fragmented, distant
Reaching 4 me
The beauty
Of love & disappointment
Couch cushions sprawled all Over the empty room of empty kids and lost hero’s singing through a tube
Somewhere along the way we stopped being young
& all this fun turns to stupid self annihilation
& my burnt out friends pass like clouds & evaporate

Burnt plastic and sweettarts
Exhaust and high stripped knee sox
The sun in the elevator sun
13 and high
Tossed to the side
Suburban lies
Nobody wants me even me
Especially me
Ill bet the gods
All odds against
This puny lie of a girl
A trashcan eulogy
Of mens greasy hands and beauty magazines I can't be
A doughnut I shouldn't eat
A home with no sweet
A school that's a street
Winding in circles
Around dogmatic beliefs
Whatever that means
I don't know who the **** I'm supposed to be
A tooth of ragged scream
Yeah 13
This is me
Yeah 13 **** me
Yeah 13
I'm done with everything
I could drive all night if I had a car
Listening to that sick rock n roll
I'd **** a girl if I only knew how
I'd go to sf and live with my party sister if only she’d let me
I can twist on my floor
Slam all the doors
Crawl to the beat
Abandoned truth un noosed in this distant melody
I roll between my ribs
It'll be ok
At least I hope I is
When I'm 18
And I I can leave
The ***** truths of parasite parenting
I will b
B free
Yeah maybe someday
Eyeliner
Bubblegum
And a rock band
someday
less heartache
I can’t wait

his rawhide leather
my death wish
burning on a guitar
string
screaming my mouth
black boots
sparrow lips


oil stains
his fingernails are clean
mine aren't

Men hunting Men
Desire mixed in their molotav cocktails
a righteous dissatisfaction on each side
a twinkling dusk falling behind ruby hillsides
limbs and religions sway in the tide
Of the rupturing world
each wondering how will we
make it

& why



night undresses
her ******* are perfect
A slow dance towards the edge
A serenade of gravity dislodging itself
All the little creatures in the play
love money beauty grenades








survival of the most depraved
ah
here comes another day

1/20/10


thrill me
oh dangle tooth will
& chop shop boy
& chop suey love
  rain spilling in the park
a child in the dark
lost on the broken bench
beneath the old iron light
green, hungry, oh
want
thrill me
dying flame thrill
ill with ur 1 way so down
highway
paving the sound    track of our death

A man wailing chintown on his horn in the rain
Loose change spills from my brain
thoughts evaporate
as I scrounge for a meal and a mayday
marbeled stars dizzy under my feet
the million times walked over vine street dreams
the rocks in the gut
the things I can't speak
i see
        a broken down reality painted in gold leaf
           a mansion set face in front of a sewer
Dear hollywood,
       The everlasting last minute maneuver

I want to share u with all the world
but we must keep to eachothers pockets
sniffing in our secrets
laughing at the darkness



I roll into u
from the nowhere in which I came
and all that does not matter
suddenly matters again



I stare for hours
at this possibility

how can we touch forever


for ever   ever for ever

how can we stay good

when we are those who corrupt?



morning spills all over
lap it up
red flowers in a vase
droop
black hair
urs
all over the place
mirrors in my mouth
have a taste
this pretend world we have
is far too great


to make me go out
and face the day

sat 104am july 9 2011

4/8/10


oh
carve out the night
the thieving ghosts of stone hours
memories memories memories
languid sonnets, melodies
of swaying love to the
knife in the neck
& the kiss in the breath
somewhere between
darker & darker
the shine in
the face
b/w parted
legs

where we fall
like the fool
like the sun
like the dandelions
breath

into eachother
numb &screaming; w/ laughter
then jolted into knowing too much
of eachother
of this look on my face
that always get’s me into trouble
& the tongue of dawn
ascends us upon
a day tumbled
weary & in love

I go off in your skin
u go off
wearing my dress
covered in blood  lust  
loneliness
forgiveness
& us
we are us.

always

4/30/11

a.)

caves of women
     lips that swallow fruit
**** down holiness
strange tangled legs
     vines of disoriented youth



b)
i met her at a beauty supply shop
    smacking gum& bad bleach
  hum
cherry lipstick pink
        i grabbed her hand
& took her out back
amongst the dumpsters
& orchid trees
    
     the orchard of our sour tongues
swung like a noose
in the sea
           see
              unsee


her blue contacts dried

    a shovel by her side

       this is what it means to

      be alive

      wanting but not waiting to do die

shoveling out a tombstone name
trying to force yourself

backwards in time

to make people & beauty stay
   on the broken ground we lay

    asphalt & fertilizer

    the afternoon sun
stinging shadows on our

      eyes
red, blk, white
she is speaking
lips part      like a   c l a m
   braces shining with spit


the whole of human history
   in her imprint
“can you…”
     her soft fingers  stroke
       my face

indent stories
   slow mo
       i’m by her waiste
cars & dogs rustle
    brown clouds    shoot
from factories
& hover in our hearts
    her fingers taste like
     hunger & salt

“…. go faster?”
      fun so fast
hoping to make

   it       stop.
      (all)

lovely ladies bleeding
   sad rhythms fast times
       on the dance floor
     blind
by shakes & strange
oozy
        
drinks that drip trip     slow
                    & melody
      & beats
        of bad boys
          disko

       mama is dead
    she died on
the
        dance    floor
         big mama is
     dead
       she was queen
  in her
    head

but the drugs
  told her that

& now the sirens
         buzzard
         the fluorescents  trash  on
   people fly from windows
   fly home.

to beat
    the wrap
until next time
  
    which is already tonight

lost in time
lost in space
lost it all
lost my face

shivering through the afternoon
blue cloak on
no place no place

a green daffodil
wavers in the choice
of stand taller
or fall beneath the choir’s voice
they are everywhere ,
here

crumpled in my hand
letters
a dead man to a
going through the motions girl
I can see the disappointment now
even when I shut myself out
from all the noise

love
the railroad track I flay myself on
I’m glad u smashed me into ur front train
I go
just go
and fall off again




who r we
beneath these daggers
feel the real
the real
that thing with which u cannot bargain

1259amsaturday
7/9/11

Getting in cat fights at the ****** bars
Wearing torn dresses and too fast alarms  melody the howls and loose rhythms of heartaches sighs for lost men lost back to their valley bleached wives
Debbie slings her eyes @ detroit who stumbles through time unwanted and adored the door shakes the elevators escaped the beat drapes the gowns and nets and smokey dreams curl around everything...  Here have a drink of me

Here wandering hollywood where it eternally smells of **** and velvet the sun beating out last nights confetti into a melted submission of brown goo on pavement where 2000 girls dreams got run over by wrong ways today in this all or nothing place where the shadows of the palm trees etched through midnight hours in the smoke of denial a crown and an ugly mask. Yaoooooooooo.....  Waeeeooooooo.......

there’s a broken sword and a half sung song next to my grandmothers bed

beneath the sheer white curtains that slow dance hypnotical, shadows live family photos and unfinished books

a sun that sways into the soft orange then swoops to the deep blues and vanishes behind the white walls and glass I’m staring at

while curled in a u holding a white ball of blanketed warmth that snores and radiates history, trauma, love, and strength

the ancestors breathe their fingers in a tired ocean caress down our faces

the radio news is on telling stories of victories and poverty

nana is in my arms fragile

the woman who carried six kids through the dust and desert of broken through the open battlefields to some higher plain of survival

I see her hand, beautiful in its melancholy, perfect white sand dunes of skin, the days laughter still hugging to it

Today she has realized she is powerless over time and her body
So are we all, so are we all.

12/16/10
1115am