”how are you feeling?”

that question hovered above me

how am i feeling

i drown out my thoughts with the sounds of my hospital room
the

beep

beep

beep

echoes through me as i try to blink
how am i feeling

“i don't really, uh, know i guess“

the words trailed off
being quietly drowned out by
the

beep

beep

beep

“says you tried to hang yourself“

i twitched at the sound of that
the nurse's voice, mechanical almost but a tinge of concern slipped through

beep

beep

beep

“yeah“

my mouth dry and chest hollow
i couldn't feel anything
yet the tears came
a violent wave spilling from my eyes
i could feel her staring
possibly empathizing
or spacing out

lifting my arm to wipe the tears
i felt the IV move in my vein
i felt nauseous
watching the tube faintly move as i gently flexed my arm

“do you need anything? water? crackers?“

beep

beep

beep

“no, thank you“

deja vu
i sit up
body aches
eyes shift down

beep

beep

beep

feeling my neck where the rope had constricted
an indentation
feeling the rope's texture, i began to feel immaculately empty
like a sterile needle
like an operating room
like the pauses between the

beep

beep

beep

“i would like some water please“

i never thought that
someone could just walk right in
to my life and like

that

i am addicted
to the tenderness of your
touch and of your soul

how

can a simple glance
and the brushing of our skin
thaw my frozen heart

you

you are the part of
my heart that i thought was dead
lost within my ribs

tenderly

you pull me in and say
that a love like this shall never fade away

when i said to give me space
it didn't mean come closer
when i said to take me home
it didn't mean stay
when i said to get out
it didn't mean corner me
when i said to let me go
it didn't mean clench tighter
when i said don't kiss me
it didn't mean to cover me in your spit
when i screamed don't touch me there
it was not an invitation
when i cried and fought relentlessly
and begged you to just **** me
instead of stealing my innocence with your filthy hands
i meant it
i still desperately try to scrape and peel away at the disgusting handprints you left on me
no matter how hard i scrub and scream and cry
they just won't
*******
go
*away

you tell me of all your grand adventures
and how all the lights of the city look so peaceful
from far away
you boast of dazzling sunsets and gorgeous sunny days

but i want to stay inside
the city is ***** and the lights hurt my eyes
i never want to see the sun set because endings are too sad
and sunny days make me sick
i want rain
i want to be able to cry outside and let the floods wash away the pain

"but life is so beautiful on the other side" you said
and i looked into your eyes and with a bitter tone i whispered to you
"i don't ever want to watch the sun set"

it was then i realized i had been watching it gradually fade
the whole time

dear grandfather,

you left the television on
you left your flannel where you always put it
a bottle of your favorite soda still in the fridge
you also left your records here
but when i played them this time
the sound didn't hit me right
the crackling wasn't how i remembered it
as soon as the needle hit
the room grew colder
and a lot bigger

dear grandfather,

grandma doesn't sound the same anymore
she can only fake a smile
her humming has morphed into a sigh
the house is too quiet
i tried to play another record but
grandma said that some things should be left where they lay
i don't know what she's going to do with them
or your couch
or your flannel
or your soda
or the looming shadows in the corner of the family room where we used to gather

dear grandfather,

i'm quickly starting to settle into the fact that you're gone
forever

dear grandfather,

your records are still there
i haven't been able to gather the strength to play them
or even entertain the fact that they'll sound the same

dear grandpa,

this couch is too big
your flannel is growing thin
the soda is flat
the house is still cold

dear grandpa,

today i played some Elvis
and i swear that the crackling of the record synchronized with the cracking of my heart
and every bittersweet harmony coaxed the tears from my eyes

dear papa,
i swear i heard you humming along