Today is the kind of day
that begins at 4am
with a pit of anxiety
deep in your belly

The kind of day where
your son spills an entire
bowl of cereal with milk

Where your sister tells
you the trip you’ve been
planning for months
can not happen

Where your client
complains about your work
and then tries to make it
better with a hug and a
condescending pat on the back

Where you eat three day old
cold pizza for lunch
sitting in your car

The kind where others
point out how
beautiful the sky is
and you are so caught up
in your own grump that you
do not care one bit about the
wonders of the world we live in

The kind where the
anger in you bubbles so
thick you can feel it
in your blood
clogging your chest
lodging there like a fist
punching from the inside out

You know it will pass
But even that ****** you off
because who wants
another day
gone

i
can
feel
sunlight

i
can
laugh
again

my greatest fear is judgement
but
if
someone thinks less of me
for loving myself enough
to take a pill that saves my life

they
can eat
****

Don't panic
It's been a year
And then some over
You're crossing lines
Missing spirit
You've outgrown her

And you've said to God
“Give me hell
If I reject my own handed death
Through this mess
I will live free and well”

But when She drew the cross on your back
You felt your spine bend and crack
As it took your breath away
And the world left you alone
For you to atone
Blackening out your day

And God watched from Her place in the sky
Entertained
Would you live or die?
Outlined that cross
In bolder lines
Watched fall to your knees
Smiled
When you grit your teeth
Instead of screamed and cried
And reminded you of that out
Over and over in your head

And you said
“Take a piece of me
And plant it under your holy tree
Bury it in the deepest hole you can
And I may wonder if I'll be whole again
Take my ability to love and then
Cut away the the best parts of me
Even wicked to see the end”

She replied
“Being of the dark
Standing bent and stark
Would you ever live again in the light?
You've traveled across my abyss
To find your way home
But even in this house of God
You would remain alone

You know the of tome
That's engraved in your bones
That fate would kiss you this way
Broken and marred
With all your scars
The light would never again love you anyway”

Then the sun that lit up your moon
Went out and made it new
Darkening those cursed eyes in your mirror
A mere ghost of you
Cut down to survive
And survive you do
Full of aching echo's
And pretend “I love you’s"

Your VCR static
Replaying that past
Again and again
Scorching your mind
The blood of your friends
To blur the lines from beginning to end

Don't panic
My friend
You won't die here
But you'll never feel alive again

You've made me laugh
You've made me cry.
But today I looked into your eyes.
Today I really saw you.
My whole world stopped,
And I let out a loving sigh.
You've saved me once or twice.
From myself I might say.
It's not easy loving me,
But you've done it so easily.
You've seen my darkest side
And you've heard my deepest secrets.
Still you hold onto my heart.
Even when you didn't always want to keep it.
I don't deserve you, love.
I probably never will,
But you're here with me still.
I've shoved and I've pushed
Scared of a love I've never had.
But you're still here with me.
You've finally made me see.
I'm grateful Just to have you.
You have loved me through and through.
The love that I owe you is long over due.

it's 10 at night and I'm out
with the familiar ache in my gut
craving to be anywhere(anyone) else

it's 12 in the morning
and I want to be high
so I won't care that
he only calls me when
it's 12 in the morning

it's 1:30 now
he's inside me
I don't think
I've ever felt
so *******
alone

Though the sun saves the will
to survive by being brighter
than both nostalgia and despair,
there is still no voice
for our lost bodies.

If we flip to the back of the book
because we hunger for a conclusion,
we will be surprised to find
that the word is not yet written.

We cover our bodies
in secret signs, because
we do not want to be righteous,
but we do want to be redeemed