I stare at myself in the mirror
Bloodshot eyes
I laugh, a familiar lump
Rising in my throat

Showers
Always the best time and place to cry
Why?
Maybe it's because the water falls to the ground, together with your tears

I step in
The cold water shocks me and I immediately relate
Cold, just like my empty, bare soul

Sometimes in the shower,
You never know if you've stopped crying
As your face is always damp

Slowly the water heats up and
The tears let loose
Ragged breathing, choked by the steam filling the bathroom

Lonely.
Helpless.
Disappointed.
Am I loved? Not anymore I think
But there is some warmth left
Only from the hot water running down my back

I know what you're thinking
'What an emotional kid", right?
But you can't hide the truth
That you were once finding comfort from your shower

I don’t have the energy
to convince people I’m not
worth leaving anymore. I used to,
I used to fight for everything I thought I was worth to the point
of being paralyzed by my own
pointless loyalty. But after so many
failed attempts at holding on to
friendships that had become one sided
I have come to the conclusion that
it’s just like sand slipping through
fingers. A futile endeavour that will
only leave you crippled with the
weight of knowing that you can’t
undo what’s already been done. You
can’t save what cannot be saved.
No matter who it is, no matter who
I wish it wasn’t, I have watched many people come and go
as they please in and out of my
life and in the end they always leave.
I think it’s a miracle if you can find
one person who does not leave you.
One person who you grow to love
and trust, who waters you until
you have blossomed into the most
beautiful and potent flower in all
of existence. One person
who does not save you
but helps you save
yourself. I have. And that
is the greatest gift of all.
Leave, leave, leave. Go ahead.
They all do.
And it’s alright. Because I found an
angel that will always be right
beside me even if right beside me
is a thousand miles
away.

There is no **** way
I am going to lose her
I'll have to be strong

Please **** me quickly
So I never feel guilty
For killing myself

I think if there is a god
He must make mistakes
Because there no way
I am meant to be
This lost

And I think I wasted
Too much energy
Pretending I love him
Because when I knelt in the chapel
My mouth spoke
"Amen"
But my mind
Thought nothing

And sometimes I think
That god is a metaphor
For the daydreams
We all have
But never really speak of
Because this world is a prison
And we're already in hell

None of this is to say
Of course
That if you died
I would not go back
To my lifeless "amen"

Because I need to believe
That you are watching over me
And not a lifeless corpse
Cold in the ground

I know I'm a coward.