Yesterday
Yesterday my girlfriend told me she was pregnant
At first I was kinda happy
Kids are great, right?
I always liked them

Today
Today I'm not so sure anymore
I'm sitting in my office
Staring at the screen
Not doing ****
Thinking about things
Waiting for a feeling
Panic. Anger. Disbelief.
Like a patient in a hospital after a routine check
Knowing that something's not right
Waiting for the doctor to talk about terminal cancer
Or Worse!

But nothing happens
I'm calm like a newborn
The more I think about it
The more I smile
And suddenly everything makes sense

Tomorrow
Tomorrow I will be a dad
I will take good care of him or her.
Teach him or her everything I know
Everything he or she needs to know about everything
Be there for him or her from the very beginning
I will be a good dad.
And I will love that child

As if it were my own.

You take the cold cuts
You cut the cheese
You open the glass of mayonnaise
And then you cut off slices of bread
Good bread
Fine bread
Bread which has lived a good life
Bread which has lived a long life
Which has been able to play
with other bread
down at the river
Bread which has never lied
or hurt other bread
Which has been decent
and honest
and faithful
and hard working
and good
Then you assemble the sandwich
And you eat it

You see it doesn't matter
how good bread has been
Cold cuts, cheese and mayonnaise
have been ******* all their life
Come tomorrow
they'll all be ****.

So this friend of mine comes up to me
And asks me if i can help him out
Sure, I say, what's up
He pulls out a gun from his back
And shoots me in the face
I suddenly wake up
And realize I'm in my bed
Kinda shocked I go to the kitchen
To grab a glass of water
Then the phone rings
I pick up the phone
When suddenly a car crashes
Trough the kitchen window
Crushing each and every bone in my body
I suddenly wake up
And realize I fell asleep
On a park-bench
The sun is shining
The sky is blue
It's a fantastic day
People are having fun in the park
When suddenly this guy in a trench-coat
Sitting on the park-bench next to me
Pulls the trigger
And blasts everything including me
To bits and pieces
I suddenly wake up
Please!
I'm in my office
It's lunch time
Everyone's getting ready to grab a bite
Please, no more!
Susan, from Accounting sees me
And asks if I want to join her for Sushi
Sure, I say, why not
We go and get some Sushi
Please stop!
She suddenly grabs a Chopstick
And stabs me in the ear
Over and over
I suddenly wake up
And then something happens
And then I die.
I suddenly wake up
And then something happens
And then I die.

A thousand deaths
won't make up for what I did to you.
But eventually I will learn
To live with it.

And so will you.

One day
I had this idea.
I wanted to be a better person.
Help others in need.
Try to be humble.
Hold out my hand to people ****** by fate.
Change the way I live.
Change the way I think.
About life.
About jobs.
About money.
About homosexuals.
About supermarkets.
About space rockets.
About apples.

One day
I woke up.
And I thought about life.
My life.
And what I would have to do to improve it.
To change it.
I thought long.
I thought hard.

One day
Maybe one day.
I will find the strength to
pull this off,
pull myself together,
turn my life around,
be a better person,
help others in need,
try to be humble,
hold out my hand to people ****** by fate.

Maybe one day.
But not now.

This fist
In your face
In your kidney
In your arrogance
In your lifestyle.

This foot
In your ribs
In your ***
In your hostility
In your wealth.

This finger
In your eyes
In your ears
Down your throat
To shut you up.

Don't talk
Don't say a word
Your sheer existence
Is an insult
To the universe.

If only I could find
The red button
To blast us all to
Bits and Pieces?

Silence.
At last.
Ever. Lasting. Silence.

While she's pouring the red wine
I am cutting the onions.
Some hot olive oil and a hot pan
and there's your sweet smell.

She hands me my wine glass
And I take a big sip.
1995 Elderton Shiraz.
What a wine!
Un-******-believable!

I drop some veal into the pan.
And some finely chopped garlic.
And some thyme.
I turn the meat over.
A few drops of white wine
And I tilt the pan.
The meat catches fire.
So does my sleeve.

She's screaming
From the top of her lungs.
I'm raising my hand
To calm her down.
But instead
I'm watching the flames
Turn my arm into a
Charred
And smoky
Mess.

A few days later
I am back home.
She's gone.
Thank god.

As I enter the kitchen
I see the pan.
It's still there.

Too bad my arm is wrapped
In Bandage.
I would love to cook me a steak.

Charred.
And Smoky.

The way it's supposed to be.

Dead people. Everywhere. Literally.
They don't know it. Yet.
But each and everyone of them
Will witness
The ultimate ending.
The end of their journey.
The last exit.
Some sooner. Some later.

But not me.
I am immortal.
Invincible.
Indestructible.
Unbreakable.

Once the second last person on earth
draws their last breath
I will be the last man standing.
That will be the end
of all.

No newspapers.
No chocolate bars.
No football games.
No prison rapes.
No weddings.
No 4 course meals.
No bull riding.
No marathon running.
No coffee.
No drugs.
No jobs.
Nothing.

Just me.

He's yelling
right in my face.
I did this wrong.
I did that wrong.
He is considering
letting me go.
A fake smile
is all it takes
to keep my job.
'Yes, sir.'
'No, sir.'
'It won't happen again, sir.'
I think about his wife.
His car.
His house.
His dog.
His parents.
And how they brought him up.
Spoiled his ***
every ******* chance
they got.
I keep my mouth shut
decide to smile
and return to my desk.
It's not his fault.
His ******* parents
simply didn't know
how to beat some decency
into their son.

A monster.

That's what she called me.

For not listening to her.
For not hugging her every once in a while.
For not caring about her needs.
For being bored when she's talking about her job.
For not pretending to be happy.
For not liking her parents.
For not cleaning the kitchen after I prepared dinner.
For not holding her after ***.

Kinda funny
if you think about it.

There are men
beating the living ****
out of their wives.
******* other women
behind their backs.
Being cruel to them
every
chance
they get.

But I'm the monster.

Women.

You have to marry them
to forget them.

What do you want from me?
Can't be the money
Can't be the riches

Why do you love me?
Can't be the wits
Can't be the laughter

Why are you looking at me like that?
Can't be the looks
Can't be the smile

Each time you're telling me
That you love me
That you need me
That I am everything
You ever wanted
All I want to do is
Hit your beautiful face
As hard as I can

I don't want anyone
To look at me like that

It makes it harder for me
To simply walk away

A Friend of mine
has this mongoloid son
Wait
you're not supposed to say
mongoloid
Down syndrome
That's what they call it

Last night I paid him a visit
That little ******
was all over me
poking me
sniffing me
touching me
My friend laughed
and told me
his son liked me
He thought it was cute
I only wanted to
brake that little
fingers of his
for messing up my hair

What?!
I have to like his ***
just because he's *******?!

If I could
travel back in time
what would I do?

Would I **** ****** as a baby
to prevent him growing into a
mass murdering maniac?

Would I try to warn
New York City
on September 10th 2001?

Would I keep my mother
from getting on that bus
that killed her in an accident?

Or would I re-live a day
so many times
until I had figured out a way
to get into Zoe's pants
who works in a
coffee-shop nearby?

I don't know
I'd probably just
go back to last night
and check
where I left my ******'
car keys

Saving the world...
it's just not worth it

I had a girlfriend once
we talked about
movies and
music and
politics and
***
I don't even remember
how we got together
it just seemed logical
for me to be with her
I kinda liked her
One day
out of curiosity
I decided to take a closer look
at her cell-phone
just to find out
that she had an affair
with some other guy
I threw her out of my apartment
that very day
She cried
She begged me
She got mad
I told her to *******
When she left
I felt bad
for an hour or two
But then
I moved on with my life
Yesterday I ran into her brother
He told me that she had died
in a car accident
That made me sad
for a minute or two
I guess Karma never forgets
an address

To know
what you want to do
with the rest of your life
is like
winning the lottery
but knowing
that you won't be able to do it
for whatever reason
is like
the lottery ticket
you lost.

Travis Bickle and Kurt Cobain
are sitting in a Diner
and drinking coffee.
"I couldn't take it anymore", says Travis
"so I went in there and shot them all."
Kurt silently drinks his coffee.
"Life has a tendency to kick you in the *****
every chance it gets.", Travis sighs.
Kurt takes a bite from his
apple pie
and flushes it down with some more coffee.
"The hole in my neck
still hurts sometimes.", Travis continues.
"Man, that really hurt."
Kurt throws a few bucks
on the counter and
slides down slowly from his stool.
"******' *****.", he whispers
as he leaves the diner.
The waitress takes the money
and moves on to the kitchen.
Her name is Chantalle.
She has breast-cancer
but does not know it yet.
Life has a tendency to kick you
whether you have ***** or not.