Yesterday
Yesterday my girlfriend told me she was pregnant
At first I was kinda happy
Kids are great, right?
I always liked them

Today
Today I'm not so sure anymore
I'm sitting in my office
Staring at the screen
Not doing ****
Thinking about things
Waiting for a feeling
Panic. Anger. Disbelief.
Like a patient in a hospital after a routine check
Knowing that something's not right
Waiting for the doctor to talk about terminal cancer
Or Worse!

But nothing happens
I'm calm like a newborn
The more I think about it
The more I smile
And suddenly everything makes sense

Tomorrow
Tomorrow I will be a dad
I will take good care of him or her.
Teach him or her everything I know
Everything he or she needs to know about everything
Be there for him or her from the very beginning
I will be a good dad.
And I will love that child

As if it were my own.

You take the cold cuts
You cut the cheese
You open the glass of mayonnaise
And then you cut off slices of bread
Good bread
Fine bread
Bread which has lived a good life
Bread which has lived a long life
Which has been able to play
with other bread
down at the river
Bread which has never lied
or hurt other bread
Which has been decent
and honest
and faithful
and hard working
and good
Then you assemble the sandwich
And you eat it

You see it doesn't matter
how good bread has been
Cold cuts, cheese and mayonnaise
have been ******* all their life
Come tomorrow
they'll all be ****.

So this friend of mine comes up to me
And asks me if i can help him out
Sure, I say, what's up
He pulls out a gun from his back
And shoots me in the face
I suddenly wake up
And realize I'm in my bed
Kinda shocked I go to the kitchen
To grab a glass of water
Then the phone rings
I pick up the phone
When suddenly a car crashes
Trough the kitchen window
Crushing each and every bone in my body
I suddenly wake up
And realize I fell asleep
On a park-bench
The sun is shining
The sky is blue
It's a fantastic day
People are having fun in the park
When suddenly this guy in a trench-coat
Sitting on the park-bench next to me
Pulls the trigger
And blasts everything including me
To bits and pieces
I suddenly wake up
Please!
I'm in my office
It's lunch time
Everyone's getting ready to grab a bite
Please, no more!
Susan, from Accounting sees me
And asks if I want to join her for Sushi
Sure, I say, why not
We go and get some Sushi
Please stop!
She suddenly grabs a Chopstick
And stabs me in the ear
Over and over
I suddenly wake up
And then something happens
And then I die.
I suddenly wake up
And then something happens
And then I die.

A thousand deaths
won't make up for what I did to you.
But eventually I will learn
To live with it.

And so will you.

One day
I had this idea.
I wanted to be a better person.
Help others in need.
Try to be humble.
Hold out my hand to people ****** by fate.
Change the way I live.
Change the way I think.
About life.
About jobs.
About money.
About homosexuals.
About supermarkets.
About space rockets.
About apples.

One day
I woke up.
And I thought about life.
My life.
And what I would have to do to improve it.
To change it.
I thought long.
I thought hard.

One day
Maybe one day.
I will find the strength to
pull this off,
pull myself together,
turn my life around,
be a better person,
help others in need,
try to be humble,
hold out my hand to people ****** by fate.

Maybe one day.
But not now.

This fist
In your face
In your kidney
In your arrogance
In your lifestyle.

This foot
In your ribs
In your ***
In your hostility
In your wealth.

This finger
In your eyes
In your ears
Down your throat
To shut you up.

Don't talk
Don't say a word
Your sheer existence
Is an insult
To the universe.

If only I could find
The red button
To blast us all to
Bits and Pieces?

Silence.
At last.
Ever. Lasting. Silence.

While she's pouring the red wine
I am cutting the onions.
Some hot olive oil and a hot pan
and there's your sweet smell.

She hands me my wine glass
And I take a big sip.
1995 Elderton Shiraz.
What a wine!
Un-******-believable!

I drop some veal into the pan.
And some finely chopped garlic.
And some thyme.
I turn the meat over.
A few drops of white wine
And I tilt the pan.
The meat catches fire.
So does my sleeve.

She's screaming
From the top of her lungs.
I'm raising my hand
To calm her down.
But instead
I'm watching the flames
Turn my arm into a
Charred
And smoky
Mess.

A few days later
I am back home.
She's gone.
Thank god.

As I enter the kitchen
I see the pan.
It's still there.

Too bad my arm is wrapped
In Bandage.
I would love to cook me a steak.

Charred.
And Smoky.

The way it's supposed to be.

Dead people. Everywhere. Literally.
They don't know it. Yet.
But each and everyone of them
Will witness
The ultimate ending.
The end of their journey.
The last exit.
Some sooner. Some later.

But not me.
I am immortal.
Invincible.
Indestructible.
Unbreakable.

Once the second last person on earth
draws their last breath
I will be the last man standing.
That will be the end
of all.

No newspapers.
No chocolate bars.
No football games.
No prison rapes.
No weddings.
No 4 course meals.
No bull riding.
No marathon running.
No coffee.
No drugs.
No jobs.
Nothing.

Just me.