Tiny hole inside my heart.
Feels so black.
Not pure and red.
Once was gaping.
So hard to hide.
To mend.
Overflowing with tears.
So hard to comprehend.
Tried to mend.
Layer after layer.
Becoming tattered.
It's closing now.
Time healing all wounds.
Black hole so old and faded.
Once large and gaping.
Memories fade inside our heart.
All that's left is a tiny black hole.
And scar tissue.

I am a work of art,
A colorful canvas now shaded gray,
I am suddenly clueless in my own dementia,
Wrinkled paper mache,
Stories to tell but long forgotten,
Faded memories make me smile,
My complex concentration so frustrating,
Everything should be a no brainer but it's not,
Peace of mind is a struggle inside my head,
My visual perception is altered and is watercolored and muted,
Youth was a blunder to me,
I have more wrinkles but fewer doubts,
My fear is my vanity,
Growing old is a privilege, denied by many.
Not I.  
I am a classic beauty.

What a sad feeling,
Of summer days passed,
Breath on the windows now,
Winds blowing and unraveling of the leaves,
Shades of orange,
Chilliness in the air,
Breathing in the scent of autumn's time,
And remembering summer days passed.

Listen to me.
So much to say.
Covers her ears.
Like autism.
Pretending to shut everyone out.
Truths to be heard.
But I keep yelling.
Dying to be heard.
What will you do when you hear no more yelling.

Empty box
empty brain space
free rent in your head
like the last chip in a bag
last drop of milk but enough for your coffee.
looking for just one pen
and finding a whole bunch.

Involuntary pain and sensation
The emotional suffering of its goodbye
Too chronic to articulate
Seeing is not believing they mixed up the words
Hanging on like my limb
Pain in my heart, empty of blood
I am cognitive but confused and euphoric
I feel it, yet missing
I see the hallucination of oneself
Trauma to the heart
I feel it. Yet missing
The phantom pain
You are gone but I still feel the pain

Tears are remnants of our emotions.
Our tears are from our sadness or perhaps our gladness.
The bitter saltiness of our tears sting our face and remind us of our pain.
The pain is inflicted upon us by ourselves or by others.
Some leaves scars, some do not.
Some scars diminish, and some stay for eternity.
Our scars are our constant reminder of our suffering.
The pain in our heart is that which noone sees, but it nonetheless
leaves scar tissue.
Scar tissue builds up like brick and mortar, layers upon layers,
until we uncover the true meaning of our source of pain and suffering.
This leads to our true meaning of truth and our belief of why we are here.
Some never believe their purpose and their scars begin to show to the outside world.
They do not uncover their purpose, their hurt, their pain, their sorrow, their suffering, their grief.
Their true path to their happiness is just beyond the gate.
Yet it is clouded with obstacles.
They say they are happy, but they hide behind their false beliefs.
They fail to stop and and smell the roses and just love one another.

I close my eyes for deep slumber.
There he appears.
No winged Angel.
He is but real.
Crooked smile.
Eyes on me.
I want to reach out and touch him.
I do.
We kiss, pure bliss.
The sweet taste.
Sweetness.
Can you taste in your sleep?
Pure heaven
I wake up.
I am alone.
He is not there.
My mouth tastes sweet.

I have no love of a funeral,
women in their black watercolor faces,
pink and white roses, worthy of monet,
so much weeping,
avoidance of the loved ones,
so as not to have their face etched in our mind,
all are in perpetual slow motion,
endless parade of mourners,
so much grieving,
let us all rejoice for the living and not those passed,
so much easier in the land of the living.

That smell of crisp leaves.
Blowing, what a nuisance.
Reminders of death for me.
It is everywhere.
Beauty is there, but not to me.
I fake my amazement of the season.
Too much sadness, I tell myself.
Every year it is back.
Like a circle.
Then the cold.
Like a cold body in the ground.

I have sometimes been
wildly,
despairingly,
acutely, miserable.
But through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

So many years were upon us.
childhood memories of laughter.
Sun on our face, leaving sunburned bodies.
White shirts showing our tans.
Whispering our dreams to each other,
Looking up in the sky,
Sharing the covers like noone else was on earth
Curly hair, sweet smile, feeding my ego
couldnt imagine my life without you.
So many years have passed.
We still whisper our dreams to each other.
Only now they are of regret.
Things we promised, yet still undone.
Time is running out.
Our lines on our face we cant hide now.
Age has taken over,
But has not robbed us of our friendship.
Couldnt have imagined my life without you.
Sweet friend of mine.

That girl you never forget.
Smile that could pause a room.
So simple yet not plain.
She laughs with her head back.
Laughter is easy.
But alone is the time she fears.
So lucky is she.
To be liked.
Taking for granted her face.
Her admiration.
Wrapped in self pity.
Asking what is her purpose.
Shame on you.
Having so much.
Effortless beauty.
Selfless love.
Genorous spirit of time and effort.
Write about me she asks.
Not enough lines on a page.

Tiny hole inside my heart.
Feels so black.
Not pure and red.
Once was gaping.
So hard to hide.
To mend.
Overflowing with tears.
So hard to comprehend.
Tried to mend.
Layer after layer.
Becoming tattered.
It's closing now.
Time healing all wounds.
Black hole so old and faded.
Once large and gaping.
Memories fade inside our heart.
All that's left is a tiny black hole.
And scar tissue.

I am blinded by water
So many words I cannot see.
I keep writing.
Flows.
Like water.
Stings, not from salt.
But from pain.
Flowing all the pain out.
Stayed there forever it seems.
I dont need to see to know what is there.
I am blinded by my tears.

Time too short for the living.  Too long for the dying.
Time heals all pain, they say. But never really goes away.
Time changes with the seasons.  A season of intervals.
Time is dark to light.
Time is a mystery.
Time is somewhere you have to be.
Time is a second, a minute, an hour.
Time is infinity.  The duration.  An instant.
A time warp in the matrix.
Time is a phase in your life.
Time cannot be measured.
Too much time on your hands.
And in the end, there is never enough time.

You are dying, she tells me.
Should I care.
Should I forgive you.
Or spit on your grave.
Battle in my head.
Everyone deserves to die in peace.
With a piece of love.
With forgiveness.
With a prayer.
Where do you think you are going.
Its not about you.
Its never been.
I need peace.
Peace to go on.
I waited for this day.
Now it is almost here.
Are you deserving of your life?
Let me see your remorse.
Not what the ear hears, the lies.
Such fake tears.
Your trickery.
Such an evil task.
Your plan.
I do this for me, not for you.
The squeezing of my gut.
I want to release the pain.
Of so many years.
Feel the calm.
Lay here  flat with my arms outstretched.
Feel peace for myself.
A freedom.
From you.
Where do you think you are going.
Release me from your hell.
So I can finally have peace.

Impromptu
Concocted in my mind
Excitement or disappointment
Doe eyed and coy
**** and enticement
Heart a beating
And abeating
And abeating
A calmness
Sly smiles not a facade
Lackadaisical in emotion
Tethered doll am I
Seduction unnecessary
Unknown to our pairing
Anxiety unknown
What does it hold
All or nothing
The curiosity
Endless chatter
tastes so good
Stay

I look in the mirror and see not myself but the person I once knew.
I have become old.
Tired.
Withered.
Like a piece of driftwood someone picks up on the shore of the ocean and throws back into the sea.

Waves rolling like tears.
Reaching the shore and flooding me.
Tides in and out.
Like emotions in my heart.
Stay here with me sweet sea.
So I may feel the cleansing of your beauty
on my feet.
Washing away the hurt.
But seeing the clearness of your water.
Salt of your water, like salt of my tears.

Battling this whirlwind of emotions.
Of a madness of so many years.
So much pain.
Such remembrance.
A smile turns quick into anguish.
So much strength pulling me forward.
Yet I am so weak.
So worn.
It is time.
To see the light
Free my self from the brick wall.
See that light beyond it.
Gentle persuasion pushes me there.
Fear is still there.
I push through it.
I choose to be free now.
I have chosen forgiveness.

What goes on in that pretty little head.
Teetering back and forth.
Whispering and hearing voices.
Battling insanity.
Sometimes crystal clear.
Inside that box in your head.
Four sides with no key.
Seem so innocent.
Yet all the rage and fury ready to escape.
In time your wrath will be known.
Only you know.
Our nasty little experiment.
There is no remedy.
For your diagnosis.

Who are you?
That demon in my head.
Fear always there.
That dresser in front of my door.
Locking you out.
What a waste.
You took so much.
Gave back so little.
You say you are forgiven.
By whom may I ask.

Like a silhouette in the distance
Smaller and smaller
Windchimes in trees with no noise
Acorns seeding new trees
And rocks in shapes of hearts
Like wings soaring with no destination Seeking peace alone but not lonely
Seeing the summer sunset with closed eyes
Painting the landscape a beautiful shade
Feeling the wind on your skin naked to the earth
Calmness takes over in the hushed shhhh of noise
The sweet taste of your own breath
Smiling within but not for the seen
No calamity in your thoughts just peace
Calmness sets in listening to your breath softer and more shallow
No tears or sadness just fulfillment
No wounds to heal
The echo of your own heart you hear inside your skin
Until silence sets in
And you stop breathing

She is a prisoner in her own mind
Spinning circular
Hysteria rushes up in her
As water flows over her
Crouching fearful
**** feline
All her thoughts are a jargon
The hourglass never being turned over
Endless imprisonment in her own mind
The seductress
Her victimless crime
Cleansing her body like toxin release
Poison thoughts
Her energy is limitless yet she cannot move
Her heart her own warden
Madness in her own mind
But not visible to the outside
Hourglass still in limbo
Time is running out
In her own mind
She is a prisoner in her own body
And in her own mind

Gambling fool
The self righteous
Poisoned interior
Psychological warfare
Deal with the devil
Everyone grieves you
Yet you are alive
Living, dying, living, dying
Always searching for the neon color
Russian roulette
Bang, you're gone

How clever is she
Paintdrops fall
Clothes inside out
How clever is she
Pretty scarves adorn
Scars inside out
How clever is she
Sunshine hair
Distracts her pain
How clever is she
Pretty in pink
Always the brave one
How clever is she
Smile that can stop you in your tracks
Smile inside out
How clever is she
Pink is her color of cancer
Inside out

Revolving door of in and out
Elevator up with no top floor
Madness and chaos neverending
Cinnamon swirls in my head
Sweet and yet unfulfilled
Cycle of wash always on spin mode
Monotonous of the day into night
Inevitable door opening
Yet never closing
Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel
Just need a glimmer

Flowing skirt around and around
All the boys are looking
Her long red hair
Freckled face all aglowing
A ponytail girl all grown up
All the boys are looking
Pretty little barefoot girl
Little ponytail girl
All grown up
The boys are looking
Ponytail girl all grown up
Long red haired girl became a woman

In the storm of sailing uncertainty
All in our own boat
Riding our storm out
Light is in the distance
Blurred and faint light
Edging closer
Towards the shore
The end of the monstrosity
Of waves, of devastation
Light seems nearer
Then lost again in the clouds
And the fog
And the crashing waves
The wreckage on the shore
Too much to fathom
Restoration is an unseen miracle
Yet the light is near
Having faith
Gathering of souls
Celebration and gratefulness
Realization of what was lost in the wreckage
Rebuilding our boat
On to a new destination  
To better clear skies
And calm seas

No sound
Color of white
Invisible spectrum of light
Unseen but heard
Whiring in my head
Like a clear, muted dream
Pastels of white
My thoughts are fading
No ethereal presence
Simple white noise
No interruption of dreams
The universe getting smaller and smaller
Slumber is near
No sound
Just white noise

Sometimes I wake up
Crying out your name
No happy ever after
Please tell me you're not real
Sometimes i wake up screaming out your name
Do I adore you
Sometimes I wake up
Crying out your name
I remember when you were mine

In a pool of water we wade
Sun on our shoulders
Trickling through our fingers
Gracing our cheeks
Feeling devine
From our heaven above
Yet we fear the rain

River rising waterbound,
Plains afield on the other side,
Mountains wild,
Hysteria on a winters field,
Rusty water on a cold cold night,
Waterbound can't beholden,
Rising sun on the rivers edge
Rolling water arising,
In fields a rolling,
Might as well be dreaming,
Waterbound.

Do you think of me,
Tell me truly,
Do you dance with me,
Are the violins playing in the air,  
Do you think of me,
Do you dance with me everywhere,  
Are the the flurries falling,
Field of white,
This is the sound of voices,
Do you think of me,
This is the sound of all your love,
Do you think of me,
Song for all to hear,
Dance with me in the wind,
Just pretend that you are here,
Visions of you,
Do you think of me.
Restless thoughts tonight ,
Footprints on my mind,
Morning light see so clearly,
Within my soul,
Tell me truly,
Do you think of me..