I write to…
get out of my head
to rid me of dread
to understand
to be understood

I write…
how I’m feeling
or how I wish I felt
when my words are bad
when they are good

I write and…
it makes perfect sense
or makes no sense at all

I write…
to connect the dots
to find a clue
to get to a better me
to appreciate you

I write...
Because I have to

if i could go back in time
to a place before
your cancer
when all was fine

if i could have another
phone call, or email

another minute of
you saying "hey girlie"

another second of you asking
what was I doing?

i would take them
just to wish you

Happy Birthday

why do i still
daydream you will come to my door

why can't i
sleep at night

i toss and turn
and think of you

i miss you more than
you could ever know
and more than i could
ever say

unfertilized seeds of love
cherished, yet adored
for what they could have been

left in its pristine state

always loved
for its potential
but never allowed to grow

never to be soaring and strong
a force of nature

never to bear sweet succulent fruit

or to become a shelter when storms
abide

here i stand
on this dried out land

where seeds were sown
and love never grown

lies silent

i miss what could have been

busy like bees
we are

building lives
buying houses, cars and
impractical things

we go about our reality
like we
will live forever

but we won’t

we are temporal
and
will go the way of all time constricted beings
sooner or later

love who you want
eat that last bit of ice cream
live your life
love and be loved

I've caught the bouquet
But never got to be a bride

I let things
scare me out of
who I could have been...

I let fear
dictate too much of my life
and I've missed opportunities.

It's been this way for so long -
I think my walls will never
come down.

So I make myself comfortable
Or try to
In this place,
In this life that does not
Fit me

I take responsibility
For passively existing but it’s hard
Learning how to live.

the house is big
and silent
without you in it

no barking or howling
just uncharacteristically quiet.

i miss your
scruffy grey bearded face
and soft cinnamon colored fur

the sweet way you slept
seemingly without a care

but
looming as it always does
is the end

i knew it was coming
it never made it easier
knowing this

my friend kc, who still tried
even when his sight went
and his legs gave out

who still showed me flashes
of that little ball of fur
i fell in love with
so many years ago

then the time came and i had to let you go
but it feels like you are never far away from me

i expect you to be there

i still say goodnight
and tell you to sleep well

i say these things out of
habit - maybe

but i hope
that you can still hear me

when i say
love you man

it makes me feel
a little better

because i think you can