I’m feeling, some kinda way
Not sad exactly
Not happy either
I’m in that place
Where moodiness
Seems to reign supreme
And wanting to cry
Omnipresent
Is it the season
When feeling overwhelmed
Is the norm
And daydreaming for me
Is kinda like ****
I’m addicted to those
Visions in my head
Where perfection lies
He always loves me
My house is clean
And everything is everything
Today I am happiest in my head
As I lay on my pillow in my rarely
Made bed
I think of things you said
That make me smile
Even when I'm awake

In the murky realm of feelings
I am a stranger
It is hard for me to say how
Or what I am feeling
I realize
I am a relic
You see me as reserved
As cool and distant as the moon
I see me as observational
Watching and wondering
Always taking my time
Life moves much faster than I do
Sometimes
Which is why I miss opportunities
But one chance I don’t want to miss
Is you

Of us girls three,
You, me and Dee
You were the soul
Of our little trio.

The one who,
Would from time to time
Talk to us about the hereafter.

Little did we
Know, that as our soul
You would be the first to go.

And for all of our sadness and loss,
It only makes sense
That you would be the one who
Could put in a good word
Or maybe two.

You, who wanted to make sure
We knew God
Would get there first --
To make a place for
You, me and Dee.

I always thought
If I kept my head down
Avoided obvious dangers
And minded my own business
I'd be safe

But...
There is no such thing as safe
Life interferes with what you had planned
I never thought that I would be in this place
At this time and
I'm sad

I feel like there is a clock ticking
And I am running out of time
Which I did not make good use of
So I am, waiting for the other shoe to drop
Death

And I am scared
Not so much of dying...That is a gimme
But of not really living
Or loving
Or being loved

I just cannot seem to let myself be vulnerable
To let someone in
How does one do that?
Let down carefully crafted walls
Sometimes I think I am getting better at it
And then I take two steps back -

So, I like this guy
And I
Have used every angle
To explain why I shouldn't like him

I'm too old (for him)
He's too young (for me)
I'm fat
He's not
I'm not beautiful
He is
He is radiant
I am weary
I do not know why he likes me
I know why I like him

Outside of the
He is tall
And good looking
He is sweet
He takes care of things
He is  funny
He gives great hugs

Why I can't see past what I lack
To see what I may have
Is it so bad that I want him?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Yes when I think about age
Or size
No when I think about how I feel in his arms

What do I do?
I hate it when I don't see him
Over the moon when I do

How can I let go
When I am bracing myself for a fall?

Overcast and dreary
The weather aptly reflects my mood
Yet you permeate my thoughts

Nearer to me than the heavens
But still so far away
O radiant creature

Your countenance which rivals that of the sun
Brightens my existence

What agony it is to be so close to you
And not spill the secrets of my heart

Still I am silent

How can I speak to you of love when mine has been
Unrequited and from afar?

OK, I was upset - he said something
that stung
it smarted
ouch.

I wanted to run
but didn't
I felt my face change
my lips purse
my demeanor stiffen
did he notice?

He'd given me an orange earlier that day
now I wanted to stomp on it
crush it...
but what did that orange do to me?

I thought of giving it away
but did not
so it sat on my desk
until Friday.

When I finally looked at his picture and said
I'm not mad at you anymore
and meant it.

Later that afternoon in my office
I heard someone speak
but I was focused on helping someone at the time.

They spoke again, I turned around
and there he was.

We talked for a little while
and briefly I wondered if he noticed
the changes in my being that day
but then I thought of it no more.

He was here, I was not mad
and I realized
when I let go of feeling hurt
let go of being mad and decided to love him anyway.

God opened a window and it was my heart.

Hiding a tiger can be a fatality.

Human beings desiring the powers of God.
Attempt to usurp power from his creatures.

Wishing to have the stamina of the tiger.
Man destroys what he oft admires.

Instead of exaltation, these creatures face elimination.
Possession, man's obsession.

Be careful of what you admire.
Your desire could lead to your demise.

And as John F. Kennedy noted —
"those who foolishly sought power
by riding on the back of the tiger ended up inside".

Instead of lusting after his bones and hide.
Revere this animal's raw power, reclusive nature
and desire to survive.

Or, inside of the tiger you will reside.