I am happy for you
Really, I am
I smile for you and I am excited
When you tell me every modicum
Of how he looked the other day
Or your intentional conversations
But I cannot help but feel inside
Like it soon may be over for you
Like it was for me, it always was
And I never want that for you
I want him to be the one you marry
I really hope for your sake he is
I pray you never have to have your heart broken
I pray you never have to live without him
I pray you never feel rejected
But I know your man is different
You chose the right one the first time

I am an oyster shell, partially open under the cover of the waves
Yet once I feel your intent to pick me from the water approaching
I close myself up, and I tuck my true heart away
I do not permit love to enter, the emotion is encroaching

I know I have a pearl to offer some other
I have been building it up over the years
Little by little a shiny seal has formed a cover
Over the irritation that used to be here

Despite the way I shut down and feel disconnected
You are not unworthy of my affection, I just don't know
How to interpret my emotions for you, my mind is hectic
Nonetheless, my hands are clammy and my face glows

I don't know how it has gotten to this point
That I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I don't know what I want and I attach myself so readily
More readily than I want to let go, even if it is not right for me
Even if they give me an open invitation to stay or go
*Why do I feel the urge to stay even if my heart says run away?

I don't know how I feel in this moment
I want to explore it with you
I want to figure it out along the way
Stumbe upon it and grasp it if I so desire
Or if I don't, that is also okay
Just to experience what it means to be alive
What it means to be young and free
All the things that I feel don't have to be said
If I can't configure the words to say them
I don't owe an explanation for being me

I am afraid that your fingers
Would grasp mine
In the precise way
That his used to

And I am scared
That the inflection in your voice
Will resonate in my brain
As all the same

But, to tell you the truth
I don't want you to be him
I don't want to do the same things
With you that I did with him
After all, it never worked out
I'm just scared this won't either
And I'm scared that you're not the right one

What changed in those days?
The time we spent together
Was it the look in your eyes or the weather?
The heat of summer and long conversation?
Out until early morning
Discussing the way we both like
Sitting in cars during rainstorms
Being immersed by the water
Sitting silently in that moment
Letting the world fold around us

Yet it terrifies me to think that you'll be too close
I don't want to let you in
Subconsciously I have shut down my heart
You're knocking ever so patiently
I just have turned on a lamp
Feigning hospitality
When all I feel is hostility
Because I don't know how to remove the deadbolt
When you bring your hands to my heart
And I feel the thumping in my chest

I want to invite you in
To have a cup of coffee
Just to meet you halfway
To take a chance on something
It may be good
Or it may be devastating