The persistence I’ve felt
From resistance
The depth of the pressure
To have something till death
Past the point of actively choosing
Even when the love you’re
Supposed to love leaves you
Bleeding and bruising

I want something
Quiet
Something small
Something at peace
Some day
Spent at our place
Your eyes smiling down at me

I want something steady
Something without pretense
I want to keep going to sleep
And waking up next to you
As long as it makes sense

As long as we fit
As long as we both
Feel we belong
I’d rather have something
Really real
Than forcibly lifelong

My mom told me that
In the womb
I accidentally
Aspirated

Breathed in ****
By mistake

Who would have known
That would have set the tone
For the beginning of my life
I’ve spent a lot of time
Breathing in ****
That wasn’t mine

Cleaning up messes
I didn’t make
Hedging all the bets
I didn’t take
Throwing myself
To the wind
Instead of caution is
Where I’ve been risk adverse
Somehow the fear of
Toppling over other peoples’
Houses of cards
Seemed infinitely worse

I see I cast myself in the narrative
I understand my part to play
Set up and conditioned to placate
After that, it was a choice that I made

But I can’t handle it any longer
The glove no longer fits
I feel myself coughing it all up
I do no harm
But take no ****

I was headed for more of the same
The same ways of relating
Providing and caretaking
As if I had a little sign
Above my eyes saying
“Pick me!
I’ll give such little trouble
I’ll do it for free!
You can reap the rewards and
Throw the crumbs towards me
I’ll eat them up hungrily!”

Never stopping
Until I found myself propping
My body up at the doctors office
Her telling me more of the same
That I have one more piece to
Break off and give
If I wanted to live
Even it felt then
That I gave up on myself
Such a small *****
With such a big task
Like my bones may as well be paper
My skin may as well be glass

But I had this overwhelming need
To make it all cease
How do I stop the drumming
How do I stop the marching
The flitting of sand from
One chamber to the next
The ways in which life seemed
To keep happening to me
Instead of being an active participant
I guess I lost myself in it
Unconsciously accepting more of the same

More of the same feels numb
More of the same is a lukewarm bath
A bland meal
Filling but unsatisfying
Predictable and plain

Doing what is expected makes people happy
No one has questions
But with the unexpected,
There are suspicions
Superstitions
What happened when I shattered my own mirror
On purpose because I couldn’t stand
Other peoples reflections staring back at me?
Seven years of bad luck and the
Undeniable deep knowing
That I needed to start again
Or really, for the first time
Walking under a ladder was waking up
Spilling salt meant tossing the rule book
I was handed, over my left shoulder
Not lifting a glass to toast to my ex husband
Before my first sip
Let me finally enjoy myself before
Anyone else was able to
Now I know the flavor I possess
And refuse to be diluted
Good on my own
But even better when shared
Not shamed

No I could never
Let life pass me by
Subsisting on
More of the same

I am
So proud of
Who I’ve become
Who I’ve always been
I am someone
Who is
Flexible
Not malleable
Bendable
Without breaking
Resilient
And ever changing

Reflecting on
The path I’ve
Blazed
The ground I
Lit on fire
To forge a way out
For myself
I had to
Nurse
My own wounds
At the end of the day
No one is
Really there
To fix it all
For you

It’s as if
I had to spill myself
All over the floor
In order to sort
Out what was me
And what was foreign

There was so much time
Where I only saw grey
In my eyes

But
It’s been a year
And the cherry blossoms
Are beginning to bloom
The spring sun is warming
My face
It’s as if my monochrome
Has had rainbows
Put in its place

I’m in love
With the life
I have designed
I have hope
For a future
That’s unmistakably
Mine

Facing you at
A table for four
Don’t talk of it
Or
It would be
Disrespectful
To the game and
Por supuesto
I wish to win

Corona with lime
In hand
And
Por supuesto
Sal en la rim

Put it in the
Corner
Cup holder
Let’s begin

It’s reading
Without speaking
It’s assuming
Without knowing
Watching you place
Your strongest tile
First
I remember
Never to block
What you’ve built

I’ve only so many
I’ve only such time
Between the table and
You watching
With shifting blue eyes

I place what
I can
But
I can
Only read so much
I can
Only get so far
On my own

As if at some point
I need to
Fall blindly and
Trust
That you have the
Missing piece
To let you lead
As if we’re
Dancing
Silently

I tap the table
One more time
As if claiming defeat
Looking down
But then up
As I see
The last tile
Fall from your hands
Right in place
Perfectly

What a colorful and
Unhealthy thing I have
Had the
Roundabout
Thought process to
Concur that I’ve
Ensured my own
Security by
Planning my
Escape route through
Trying to conclude
How I’d
Press you out
Of the corners of
My mind that are
Already steeped in
Love potion
Number nine

What am I
Trying to prove?
Why do I have the illusion
That you would be so
Easy to remove?

It wouldn’t be a
Simple wash cycle
It would require a
Deep clean to
Strip you from me
Like fruit punch
Spilled on
My shirt at a kid’s
Birthday party
Making myself
Messy with you
Was way too
Much fun for my
White tee to handle
I’d do it again
Just to have the
Faded pink cotton
As a reminder

But why do I always
Think I’ll have to launder
You out of me?
Why do I,
In hard times,
Scare myself into
Thinking we’ll
Never last?

Am I preparing
Myself not to
Get hurt?
Because of how
Deep I’m already
Falling into and for you?
Why do I fear you
will push me away too?

It took a
Bottle of champagne
In between
Tiny sips of
Tequila
For me to whisper
That I loved you
In your ear
I pulled away and
Looked in your eyes
While I felt the
Room spinning and I
Told you I meant it
It wasn’t because
I was drunk or
That you kissed me
In a way
That made me forget
I was surrounded by people

It’s that I thought
The same thing sober
And celibate
Long before
My lips
Let me say it
And I let it go
In that moment
Even if I didn’t know
How you would react

I got messy then too
But you mopped me up
Held my hair
As I threw up
Put my clothes on
Kissed my head
And tucked me into bed

And yet I still try to retreat
Out of fear
How do you sense
My wobbling knees
And pick me up to
Draw me near

I had been waiting
For you to be different
For my whole life
You were all I had wanted

What happens to you
When you find yourself
Living an answered prayer
But still missing something

I tapped my fingers on tabletops
Sang ballads in the shower
I had no idea what it was
That made us incomplete

It wasn't always just so
There were so many times
I felt so full I could burst
And love would leak from within

But when I lacked, it was dark
I felt dry, like a locked empty home
I folded in to myself, origami swan
Creased and dog eared, not the first time

I loved the idea of life you told me
We could have had together
Did everything I could to help you
Get us there eventually

But I realized that eventually
You would still drown out
My little, little voice
Among the noise of your speakers

No matter how much money
You made, it would be the same
Chasing something that would
Never be enough in the end

I was waiting for you
To love and prioritize me
To see me for exactly who I was
Instead of who you had wished I would be

Someone who always loved you
Put you first and cherished your quirks
Who would have stayed but saw
That you would never change

You find no fault
In what you have done
It is me to blame
For not accepting partial love

I found out that what was
Missing all along was you
Truly respecting and cherishing me
As freely as I did it for you

So instead of waiting
For you to change, I did
“Mom, I am a rich man”
I changed into the partner I needed

Someone who cherishes me
Someone who protects me
Someone who puts me first
Someone who isn't afraid to be close to me