I didn’t know how
To explain it
To her
How do you fit
The world
In an envelope?
How do you distill
The serum
So potent
On fire
The searing sensations
I’ve found as the flaming
Roots of my
Desires

Solid as they
Seemed somehow
I found them
Sublimated
Into ether as I
Sat there lame
Trying to explain

But here again
I start anew

Have you ever found
Yourself hungry
To be consumed?
To get lost?
Consensually used?

To forget
You were even you?

To turn off the world
For a moment of time?

To dissolve into another
Distinct and divine?

To forget if the lips
Pressed together
Were even yours
Or theirs?

As if you lost track
Of where you end
And they begin?

To be alone
Together

How I could explain it
To someone who has never
Held it in their hands?

How can the wind
Be powerful
And invisible?
It’s evidence found
Only in the traces
Left behind
On those it touches

It embraced me
And I’ve never quite been
The same

Instead
I’ve been
Bent?
Shaped.
Eroded?
Sculpted.

The persistence I’ve felt
From resistance
The depth of the pressure
To have something till death
Past the point of actively choosing
Even when the love you’re
Supposed to love leaves you
Bleeding and bruising

I want something
Quiet
Something small
Something at peace
Some day
Spent at our place
Your eyes smiling down at me

I want something steady
Something without pretense
I want to keep going to sleep
And waking up next to you
As long as it makes sense

As long as we fit
As long as we both
Feel we belong
I’d rather have something
Really real
Than forcibly lifelong

My mom told me that
In the womb
I accidentally
Aspirated

Breathed in ****
By mistake

Who would have known
That would have set the tone
For the beginning of my life
I’ve spent a lot of time
Breathing in ****
That wasn’t mine

Cleaning up messes
I didn’t make
Hedging all the bets
I didn’t take
Throwing myself
To the wind
Instead of caution is
Where I’ve been risk adverse
Somehow the fear of
Toppling over other peoples’
Houses of cards
Seemed infinitely worse

I see I cast myself in the narrative
I understand my part to play
Set up and conditioned to placate
After that, it was a choice that I made

But I can’t handle it any longer
The glove no longer fits
I feel myself coughing it all up
I do no harm
But take no ****

I think of you
In the way I remember
Only and quite fondly
In times where I
Recollect on someone
Who has known me
In many stages and faces
Many facets in one
But if I equate you with home
It is in location alone
I wonder if I’d see
Your truck on the road
A minute away
From my parents’ house
And if I allow
Myself a minute to
Think on you
My heart yearns
To send a light to you
As a friend
Forgetting
The anger that bubbled up
Within me
It has subsided
And I’ve stopped imagining you
As someone that tried
To tear me down with time
I was simply searching
For something
In the wrong spot

And I heard the song
I walked towards you playing
I am going home soon
With fondness and knowledge
How life has shaped me
How I have shaped it
Of the magic I possess
Of what lives within you as well
And if I dwell on it too long
All I feel is softness for us two
A forgiveness that grew
Out of the cracks of our concrete
A flower I wish to give to you

I love you in the only way
I know how
Something I can do now
From afar, clean and pure
Secretly rooting and wishing for you
Washed and dried, I am sure
My oldest witness
My first of most
I wish you a life filled fully with
More highs than lows
I wish you a life of beauty
Of which you are proud
If I could extend this to you
If it is what you allow
This feeling of forgiveness
For you and for me
Redemption and healing
I wish this to you equally

I was headed for more of the same
The same ways of relating
Providing and caretaking
As if I had a little sign
Above my eyes saying
“Pick me!
I’ll give such little trouble
I’ll do it for free!
You can reap the rewards and
Throw the crumbs towards me
I’ll eat them up hungrily!”

Never stopping
Until I found myself propping
My body up at the doctors office
Her telling me more of the same
That I have one more piece to
Break off and give
If I wanted to live
Even it felt then
That I gave up on myself
Such a small *****
With such a big task
Like my bones may as well be paper
My skin may as well be glass

But I had this overwhelming need
To make it all cease
How do I stop the drumming
How do I stop the marching
The flitting of sand from
One chamber to the next
The ways in which life seemed
To keep happening to me
Instead of being an active participant
I guess I lost myself in it
Unconsciously accepting more of the same

More of the same feels numb
More of the same is a lukewarm bath
A bland meal
Filling but unsatisfying
Predictable and plain

Doing what is expected makes people happy
No one has questions
But with the unexpected,
There are suspicions
Superstitions
What happened when I shattered my own mirror
On purpose because I couldn’t stand
Other peoples reflections staring back at me?
Seven years of bad luck and the
Undeniable deep knowing
That I needed to start again
Or really, for the first time
Walking under a ladder was waking up
Spilling salt meant tossing the rule book
I was handed, over my left shoulder
Not lifting a glass to toast to my ex husband
Before my first sip
Let me finally enjoy myself before
Anyone else was able to
Now I know the flavor I possess
And refuse to be diluted
Good on my own
But even better when shared
Not shamed

No I could never
Let life pass me by
Subsisting on
More of the same

I am
So proud of
Who I’ve become
Who I’ve always been
I am someone
Who is
Flexible
Not malleable
Bendable
Without breaking
Resilient
And ever changing

Reflecting on
The path I’ve
Blazed
The ground I
Lit on fire
To forge a way out
For myself
I had to
Nurse
My own wounds
At the end of the day
No one is
Really there
To fix it all
For you

It’s as if
I had to spill myself
All over the floor
In order to sort
Out what was me
And what was foreign

There was so much time
Where I only saw grey
In my eyes

But
It’s been a year
And the cherry blossoms
Are beginning to bloom
The spring sun is warming
My face
It’s as if my monochrome
Has had rainbows
Put in its place

I’m in love
With the life
I have designed
I have hope
For a future
That’s unmistakably
Mine

Facing you at
A table for four
Don’t talk of it
Or
It would be
Disrespectful
To the game and
Por supuesto
I wish to win

Corona with lime
In hand
And
Por supuesto
Sal en la rim

Put it in the
Corner
Cup holder
Let’s begin

It’s reading
Without speaking
It’s assuming
Without knowing
Watching you place
Your strongest tile
First
I remember
Never to block
What you’ve built

I’ve only so many
I’ve only such time
Between the table and
You watching
With shifting blue eyes

I place what
I can
But
I can
Only read so much
I can
Only get so far
On my own

As if at some point
I need to
Fall blindly and
Trust
That you have the
Missing piece
To let you lead
As if we’re
Dancing
Silently

I tap the table
One more time
As if claiming defeat
Looking down
But then up
As I see
The last tile
Fall from your hands
Right in place
Perfectly