I was told it was beautiful
when i cried, sprawled out on the carpet
thump of my heart, chest to floor, chest to floor
nails scratching the seams

I remember that day
we looked at the stars through the windshield
and you said I sighed beautifully
so I sighed, and kissed you deeply

I remember the day you brought me coffee
in hopes of getting me out of bed
and you said i looked beautiful in the morning
my eyes small as slits and my throat coarse

Then the day came
you were silent as a dear
tiptoeing on leaves with utter fear
your humiliated face stained white
you said I was beautiful

And I scratched my fingers into the carpet
eyes as small as slits, wet with tears
my throat unable to speak,
anything but a small sigh

take a hit and pass it on
pass and hit hand to lips, hand to lips
and watch the smoke rise into the vent
watch it swirl up, making its way into the sky
where it will mix with the air above us
watch the people, eyes like zombies
watch the chemical creation of the living dead
for some, it does not create
for those who touch lips to rolling papers and experience fits of spastic heartbeat
frozen in the state of panic enclosed in the alternate reality of disaster
catastrophe
memories.
we create fire, so let it burn, baby
let it seep into your lungs
an unwanted visitor on the inside
a wanted visitor in the time of things
so if you want to let it burn, baby
let it burn.
but remember zombies aren't meant to walk the Earth
or at least not the one we live in.

Hollow:
like the pitcher you used to pour me my drink
Scared:
as you walk towards me like a demon; possessed
Frozen:
like the ice you used to keep the alcohol just the right temperature

Until i pass out on your bed like a baby at nap time
Time has gone by, you're scared and you even cry
Your uncle cried too
You drove me back home as if we were mourning the death of christ
And I walked out
And I walked
And I walked
I walked through my front porch with makeup smudged
Eyes of a raccoon, unnoticed as I make my way upstairs
Blind, as I shower away the marks, the pain, the evidence
And I fall asleep again, on my bed
like a baby at nap time
Awake:
and I see your name on the screen of my phone
Sorry, you say.
And I hangup.
I put my phone on my dresser, and I scream into my pillow:
How could I be so stupid
How could I be so ignorant, mindless, dense
How could I watch myself be taken?
Well guess what?
You didn't take a THING from me
My soul is bound to me and my heart is kept safely in its case
Like your football trophy
You can take my virginity, but you can NEVER take my dignity
And I stand tall
And a year later I stand tall
And I grow older and move past those sleepless nights
And I fall asleep in my bed
like a baby at nap time
Because I can sleep, knowing that you will be the one left with the pain
Glass shards from your trophy fly through the room like bullets
And your heart breaks for it.
And you suffer sleepless nights for each and every women who fell onto your mattress.

It's about time that I realize it is inevitable
Gulping down one last breath of air
And with that, one last beautiful exhale
Trees know, for they are awake, always listening
They are the ones who show us that death has its colors.
The leaves are beautiful, baby
They pile up in the backyard
A compiled mass of lovely death
And we rejoice.
Like seasons, we have our time and it will come
Sometimes without further notice.
Like leaves, we will become part of the Earth
Each of us with different colors
My favorite color was always green
The color of life, and joy
But baby, thank you for allowing me realize
That the other colors are stunning.

I have problems with eating, sleeping, living
Existing.
I’m confused as to why people stick around
My head is ******
Perhaps inserted off balance in my skull
Living a life of its own,
That’s not mine.

I’m afraid to go to the doctor
Because I know he will finally say
There is something terribly wrong with you
And a match will light,
A catastrophe will begin,
And I’ve never been able to handle catastrophes.

And I will cry
But this is the only way
To get this “thing” out of myself
Because then the illness will be the problem
Not me.
And my reason for in-existence will be its fault
And I will sail away on an empty boat
With the tragedy out of my hands

And I’m so afraid of life
And I’m afraid of existence, in-existence
And I’m afraid to be gone from this world
The only place I know
But then again, sometimes it doesn’t feel like home.

An unnoticed magnetic effect
Soft words, and sullen glances
His persuasive being takes in my soul
And I am powerless

Hand to hand I am guided
His words merely noise
Where my mind creates the words
Apprehension, panic, guilt
Expressionless, feeble, and lost

There is no way out
I hear the latch on the door lock
Suddenly I am trapped
My thoughts fill the empty space in the room

Large hands move objects around
And travel to the crevices of my body
With no way out I stay silent and still
A chill is sent up my spine

I close my eyes and feel his body pressed up against my chest
My mind takes over my being
My echoing screams startle us both
My arms push him forcefully
My legs make a run for the door
Kicking objects
Kicking legs
Jimmying locks
I’m free

Stop one second in time
And think “what could become of this?”
Or make what could have been reality
Don’t settle for a life jacket
When you can have the red sea
Why did you come to me so suddenly
Why did you enter my life and allow me to love you
Because I don't see a reason why you can’t stay
I need someone to tell me I’m worth it
But I want to choose that person
I want that person to be you.
Hold me through it all
I can and will stand tall
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before
Where have you been?